Opinionation

Gum Gum Gummies

2012-02-11T21:44:00.001+08:00

Blackcurrant-flavored gummies from Germany

I love candy of all kinds. I've always loved sweets from the moment I first discovered them, despite my parents' best efforts. They were into having us eating healthily so popular breakfast cereals and most sweets were banned. The only kind of allowable cookies were these organic fruit and whole-grain oat ones that were sweetened with honey. NOT very good.

Once I developed my milk allergy, many of my favorite sweets became off-limits, including ice cream, cookies, candy bars (I still miss Snicker's and Reese's Peanut Butter cups), cake, truffles, etc. But luckily sugar is still OK, so I have switched my candy consumption to sugar bombs like Mentos, candy corn, jelly beans and my very most favorite, gummies!

I am obsessed with gummy candy and eat it probably 5 out of 7 days. (The guy at the nearby convenience store recognizes me now, and greets me with "Buying some gummy candy?" in his Singaporean Indian accent.) I prefer it fresh (=not stale, it's too chewy then), fruit flavored, and without sugar coating (interferes with the smooth gummy texture). In Shanghai there was a particular brand called QQTang (this means "Chewy sugar") that I ate all the time, like 3 times/day sometimes. Grape was the best flavor (blueberry was the second best). I was really happy to discover that many stores in Singapore also have QQTang.

The Singapore candy scene is quite good, because they have imports from everywhere: gummy candy from Australia, Europe, the US, Japan, and Malaysia is readily available. It's like a round-the-world gummy tour!

I Have a New Camera

2012-02-10T21:17:00.000+08:00

Contemplating how to break the camera

So last week little R broke my camera while we were at the park, by managing to pry the lens cap open (it was off at the time) and then getting sand lodged within, along with scratching the lens. Oops. I guess giving your electronics to a toddler is not a good idea.

Rifling through the diaper bag

Today I bought a new camera and I love it. It's just a point and shoot, which is good since I don't know how to use any of the manual settings anyway. Now I can take pictures of Singapore and little R again, except because the camera is better, my photos might look a little nicer.

Little R isn't allowed to play with the camera anymore though: this is what she has to say about that.

China Mountain Zhang

2012-02-08T23:35:00.001+08:00

I just finished reading China Mountain Zhang, which is a science fiction book set in the somewhat-distant future. Mars has become a colony, and on Earth the US (and global) economy collapsed, leading to a Chinese-led Communist takeover.

In the book's present, the US is a satellite of China, which has become the world's economic, cultural, and technological center; this China is still very much Communist (more so than the current China, actually). The hero is a gay American-born Chinese man, and since homosexuality is strongly condemned in this universe, it adds an extra wrinkle to his existence. It's a very interesting book, and I've thoroughly enjoyed reading it (especially because I tend to read more "serious"/boring books, and it's nice to have a change of pace).

The premise is totally ridiculous however. Supposedly the book is set in the 22nd century, so the world has been Communist for centuries. In the real world, Communism has not able to last even 100 years in any country (the world's holdouts, Cuba and North Korea, have only been Communist for 60 years, and it's not very likely that in 40 years either will exist in their current state).

This is because Communism's economic system is completely unworkable, even with a highly educated and motivated worker population. Human understanding of economic processes is just not good enough to allow ANYONE to manage the economy successfully. As a result, planners end up focusing on just a very few goals (for instance, steel production), and ignoring everything else (because it's just too complicated). You end up with success in the chosen goal (a lot of steel) and disaster in every other area (environmental devastation, retarded technological progress, no consumer goods, and food shortages).

In a way, this is a good thing, because Communism also seems to go hand-in-hand with political repression, labor camps, secret police and spies, and decreased public morality. I guess we are lucky that it's an economic failure, so that only the most crazy dictator would persist with the system.

Why I Want to Stay at Home with My Child

2012-02-06T22:25:00.000+08:00

I posted a little while ago on daycare. Rereading these posts (which are largely pro-daycare), it might seem strange that I myself do not send little R to daycare, nor does she have a in-home caregiver (something that would be very easy and affordable here). Instead, I do virtually all of her care myself. Why?

There are a number of advantages to my decision, some of which have nothing to do with parenting (for example, I am able to be a more helpful wife because I am not working). But from a parenting perspective:

1. Little R can set her own schedule. If she attended a daycare, she would have to comply with their schedule (napping at the specified times, for instance). At home, the rhythm of the day can largely revolve around her. Even the best daycare cannot provide this, as there are more people to consider. While children are adaptable, this flexibility means on the whole little R is more comfortable and her physical needs are more fully met.

2. Sickness is more easily accommodated. For a working mother, a child's sickness is at best a serious annoyance, and at worst a crisis. This adds stress to an already-stressful situation; it also means that borderline-sick children are often going to be forced out of their preferred situation (resting at home with Mom or Dad). In other words, children's feelings must be ignored, even when they are vulnerable (relating to point #1). A little ignoring can be beneficial; however, this could easily tip over into undesirable territory.

3. I have complete control over what child-raising practices and emotional climate little R experiences. How people treat children varies wildly, and yet these differences are hard to quantify, even though they are so important. (Even scientists are stuck with descriptions like "detached" or "responsive".)

Little R, like all babies, is exquisitely sensitive to my moods and attitude towards her; yet what they are is something very very difficult to identify or even explain (especially because so much of my reaction to her is colored by subconscious motives). A seemingly friendly and competent childcare worker might actually be mean and abusive (not even in a physical way, but more subtly).

Even more insidiously, while they might be kind, their values might be very different from my own; and because children learn through example and experience, little R would absorb these values. This is a bigger problem in Singapore (where for example obedience is the highest virtue in children, something I strongly disagree with), as it's a different culture; but I imagine it might be a problem anywhere (especially as most childcare workers are significantly poorer and less educated than the parents they work for).

4. It is less stressful for little R. Being separated from one's parent as a small child causes a huge amount of stress (and this does not seem to change even if the child is used to separations, like with daycare). Some stress is inevitable, but too much means a child may be psychologically and physically harmed (probably why sensitive children (=those who deal less well with stress) tend to do badly in daycare). Most children find ways to cope successfully; but the fact remains that they are having to cope.

By being with me, little R is spared stress, and I think is a happier baby as a result. When we were in California for a month, after the first week (=time for adjustment) I frequently left her alone with my parents. They adore her, and she loves them (even crying sometimes when they left), and seemed to enjoy herself greatly; but it was also stressful for her, and she would wake up frequently at night calling for me (I think to assure herself that I was still there), something she rarely does under normal circumstances. Even though she was happy and social, I could tell that she was coping (well) with increased strain. The amount of strain did not change, even as she got increasingly used to my parents; this is because the strain was in the separation.

So for these reasons, I feel that it's important for me to be at home with little R (at least in her infancy; older children have completely different needs). Does this mean that I think everyone should make the same decision? No. But for me, and I believe for little R, right now this is what's best.

Being Parent Centered

2012-02-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

I was lucky enough to have great parents, so for the most part I just copy whatever they did. There are some differences though, and one of the main ones has to do with family focus.

My parents were definitely "child centered", meaning that the needs and wants of my sister and I always came first. Their free time was devoted to our amusement or enrichment, their disposable income to our educations and toys, and our desires were always considered (if not indulged, because my mother was fairly strict in terms of what behavior was expected).

I don't do this with little R. Of course I spend hours daily doing things for her, like feeding her, taking her to playdates and hugging her. But when it's time to do a fun family activity, we usually choose to do things based on what B and I like. If I had to make a major decision, little R's welfare would of course be a very important consideration; but it wouldn't be the only (or even most important) one. And while I try to arrange things so that little R can be comfortable and happy, sometimes I will let her be uncomfortable for the benefit of B or me (like if we want to go do something which requires her to miss naps). I do play with her, but for the most part I let her amuse herself in her own way, and only interfere if she is unhappy or asks for my attention. Many of our rules (like bedtime is at 8 pm, barring extreme illness) are not primarily for little R's benefit, but for mine (knowing that I am assured of free time in the evening keeps me happy all day long).

Partly this is because a baby is not really an independent organism: my welfare and the welfare of little R are very closely related, and for the most part, what benefits me also benefits her. (As an example of this, she still gets a significant portion of her calories directly from me, in the form of milk.) In a very real sense, she is not able to be happy, calm and healthy unless I am (as demonstrated by her reaction whenever I have been very upset or frazzled around her).

But even if this wasn't true (and sometimes it isn't, when our interests are opposed), I feel that it's important for the main focus in our family to be on the parents and the family as a unit.

My parents did not make the (regrettably common) error of expecting me to fulfill them emotionally (by acting in a certain way, or achieving certain things). Often children in child-centered families do suffer from this. My cousin, who has a single mother, continues to really struggle with this, as her mother has always relied on her to provide emotional support and continual affection: one reason why single parenting tends to be so undesirable.

But I did find the constant focus on me to be a little overwhelming. I remember trying to explain to my sister once why I was so glad to have a sibling (I must have been about 16). "Mom is like the sun," I said, "and she shines down all these rays on us. Without you, all her energy would go just to me, and I would get burned." I had a really hard time learning how to psychologically separate from my parents in this kind of environment, and indeed didn't manage it successfully until I was in my early twenties (by moving to another country for two years).

I want little R to have more psychological space, to discover herself, to explore, and to develop her own independent existence. I hope by taking the focus off her, and keeping it elsewhere instead, she will be able to grow in her own way. (After all, this phenomenon is why most children's book characters are orphans: otherwise their parents would constrain their freedom to have adventures.) I guess I will just have to see if it works out.

Chinese People as Locusts

2012-02-04T16:51:00.000+08:00

I'm from California, so I'm used to a fair amount of anti-immigrant sentiment (especially strong in southern California). It ranges from reasonable objections about crime and drug smuggling due to the porous borders, to the racist and paranoid (fantasies about anchor babies and takeover plans).

Interestingly, this is not an American-only problem. The video below has been making the rounds of the Chinese internet; apparently some Hong Kongers are even harassing Mainlanders on the street by singing the song at them.

Basically, many Hong Kong locals intensely dislike the large numbers of Mainland Chinese who come to Hong Kong legally or otherwise (there is not free travel between the two places; Mainlanders must have a visa to enter, though Hong Kongers can visit China freely). They call them "locusts" and object to their dirty habits, rudeness, loudness, dishonesty, and so on. (To be fair, many of these objections are valid.)

There is of course a political element as well. The government of China wants very much to "assimilate" Hong Kong, which means getting rid of the local culture and replacing it with a Beijing-centric one. Hong Kong has a different language, writing system, and culture (for instance, a free press and a much more vibrant religious scene), and their citizenry unsurprisingly strongly object to these assimilation plans. Hatred for Mainlanders is in part a response to Hong Konger's insecurity about the future of their city and way of life.

It's fascinating how these social problems are so widespread, the poor and pushing trying to improve their lot, and the rich and prosperous trying to defend what they've gotten. (Singapore has a very similar dynamic in many ways.)

Sherlock

2012-02-03T21:39:00.001+08:00

Last night I watched a new (to me, anyway) TV series called Sherlock, at my sister's recommendation (she watches a lot of TV shows, so knows what's out there.) I am now obsessed and want to watch every episode ever. B and I stayed up until 1:30 am, because I couldn't tear myself away.

The show is based (quite closely, so far) on Conan Doyle's famous stories (which I love and have read many times), but updated into the present day. So Sherlock Holmes and John Watson have the same personalities and similar life histories, a similar relationship dynamic, and go on similar adventures, but they use cell phones and the Internet regularly, Watson has a lesbian sister, Holmes uses nicotine patches instead of pipe tobacco, etc. It is really well-done, with clever dialogue, interesting character development, and plenty of suspense/intrigue.

It's so exciting to discover something new to watch (since I don't like Project Runway any more, and saw all of Rome already).

On Saying No to Naughty Toddlers

2012-02-02T16:50:00.000+08:00

I wrote before that I had surprised myself by being a pretty lax parent who rarely said no. This was when little R was younger, however, and now that she has officially turned into a toddler, discipline has become important.

I still don't like saying no; however, I dislike hard work more, and there is no better way to create hard work for yourself than to not set boundaries from the start. I have to be absolutely consistent and firm now, to save myself work down the line. For example, every single time little R touched a power cord, I told her "no"; if she didn't listen, then she got physically removed. After doing this over and over, she doesn't touch them anymore, because she knows what the rules are and what the result will be. This means less work for me, as now I don't have to watch her closely when around appliances.

Unfortunately, the power cord problem is (mostly, as occasionally little R like anyone else will revisit her boundaries to see if they hold) solved, but other issues are not. Now that little R is older, more enterprising, and more mobile, there are so many new rules to introduce (the not playing with electric sockets rule; the not unrolling toilet paper rule; the putting on shoes when going outside rule, etc.). I have to say no all day long, over and over and over. Both the negativity and the consistency are exhausting.

It's also hard due to little R's (completely understandable) reaction. She wants so much to do as SHE wants, now that she has an opinion, and when she isn't allowed to, she finds it extremely frustrating. This means meltdowns into tears, screaming in frustration and rage at her inability to do as she pleases. I feel really sorry for her.

Usually I end up holding and consoling her in her grief, telling her that I understand that she is sad and frustrated, and I'm sorry that she can't do what she wants. I am not sure if this is a good idea (since aren't I kind of rewarding her with attention for her temper tantrum?). On the other hand, I want her to learn how to handle negative feelings, so I need to model calmness and kindness for her, so she can apply it to her own self as she matures.

What I have less tolerance for is the deliberate naughtiness, where she goes to do something she knows is forbidden, looking at me and smiling as if it were a game. She is testing me, which is normal and fine, but the sauciness of it is maddening. I understand why people spank their toddlers, because I too want to show her it's not a game, that it is serious and I mean business. (I will not be spanking her, because I believe it to be ineffective and possibly harmful.) At least she is developing right on track!

Little R Starts School

2012-02-01T23:05:00.000+08:00

I signed little R up for Mandarin classes today: she will be taking twice-weekly classes for 1.5 hours a time. She also is enrolled in weekly baby swim classes. (I was considering a music class as well, but decided that three separate classes was definitely overboard.)

All of this is pretty silly, considering that little R is only 11 months old and is nowhere close to talking, even in English. I feel sort of sheepish about it, like I have turned into one of those parents I used to make fun of, trying to cram my child full of "enrichment" (usually with the goal of getting them into Harvard).

So why am I doing it? Of course my reasons are basically selfish, like almost all other parenting decisions. For the swim classes, I want little R to be comfortable in the water, so that her chances of drowning (one of the leading causes of death for small children) will be reduced. Unfortunately, I hate swimming and the water. Signing her up for classes is a way to force myself to spend (a little bit of) time in the water with her. So basically she's in swim classes because I'm undisciplined. (She does love the water though!)

She's in Mandarin classes partly for the same reason. B and I both really want her to learn Mandarin; we should speak it at home, but due to laziness my language skills have deteriorated so much that this isn't a good option anymore. By attending her classes, little R gets exposure to the language. As a side benefit, I am forced to speak Mandarin too (because the classes are Mandarin-only), which hopefully will impel me to start studying again.

I also like taking her to classes because 1. they make her tired from all the excitement and stimulation, so she is much better behaved at home (and her naps are longer!); 2. we both get out of the house (I get really bored at home all day, and now that little R is older, so does she); and 3. she gets to meet other children.

I thought she wouldn't be interested in other babies/toddlers until she was quite a bit older, but she is a little social butterfly. She loves interacting with other children, and is not at all shy (she is usually the one to approach them first, actually); this is surprising as both B and I are pretty introverted. Maybe it's a phase? (I hope not, though, because life is so much easier for the outgoing and self-confident.)

Taking her to the classes (and other little R-focused activities, like playdates and mothers' groups and baby gyms) makes me wonder how other mothers do it without these activities. If we just stay home all day, little R becomes naughty (the saying about idle hands and all) and gets into everything. She also destroys the house (since she has more time to do so) so that it looks like a cyclone, full of broken objects strewn everywhere (in the last week, she broke two statues, the camera (=why no photos lately), several books and a plate). Keeping her busy in some other environment means we are both happier. Maybe other people's children are less active/enterprising at destruction?

Stupid People Don't Know It

2012-01-31T23:18:00.000+08:00

In psychology, there is something called the Dunning-Kruger effect. This is the phenomenon in which the stupid (or "unskilled", as they are referred to in the literature) make bad decisions, but are too incompetent to recognize their mistakes. This means that they consistently overrate their abilities (they rate them as above average), despite abundant evidence to the contrary. It also means that they cannot improve, because they are unable to learn from their errors.

Intelligent (or "highly skilled") people, on the other hand, clearly perceive their own abilities and defects, to the point that actual competence can weaken self-confidence. (Research on this topic has focused mostly on Americans, however, and may not hold for other cultural groups.)

To me, this explains a great deal about the world.

Eating Too Many Oreos

2012-01-30T22:19:00.000+08:00

I am participating in a weight loss challenge right now, and for the most part am doing OK. (I have lost about 8 pounds so far, which isn't that much but is something. I think a lot of this can be accounted for by breastfeeding and illness, but oh well! I will take it anyway.)

While I ate fairly well today, this evening has negated any recent progress. B wanted ice cream (which we never buy, because it costs over $11 for a pint here), so I bought him some (he can't face the idea of spending that much money personally because he is cheap). He loved it of course, but this made me feel pitiful because I can't eat it.

So to console myself I bought a package of Oreos (I don't even like them, but they are the only readily available cookie that doesn't contain milk products). Then I ate nine, plus a large package of gummy candy.

Now I feel really nauseated and bloated (the filling of Oreos=pure lard doesn't sit well when consumed in large quantities). Oops.

101 in 1001 Road Map

2012-01-29T22:09:00.000+08:00

I love my 101 in 1001 list, and check it regularly to remind me of what my long-term goals are. Meg of Moments Like This has one too, and recently posted about her new idea, in which she assigns a particular month to each goal. I love this idea, so I'm copying it.

February 2012
Day trip to Pulau Ubin
Exercise five days a week for a month
Give up all caffeine for two weeks (really)

March 2012
Complete photo album of little R's first year
See a doctor for my heartburn
Hire a professional to do our taxes

April 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Buy life insurance for B (at least $1 million)
Lose 15 pounds (weigh 125 pounds)

May 2012
Overnight trip for anniversary, 2012
Work my way through beginning Mandarin (Book 1)
Have a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel

June 2012
Take swim classes with little R (complete 14)
Save $30,000 as a backup fund for emergencies etc.
Visit a financial planner

July 2012
Help my cousin visit me in Singapore
Buy myself a pearl necklace
Go on a beach vacation with little R

August 2012
Take Mandarin class with little R (complete 15)
Sort, reorganize and store files
Visit family in California (2/5?)

September 2012
Tour the Goat Farm
Open a retirement account/Roth IRA
Get antique scroll rematted

October 2012
Take a river cruise
Take a music class with little R
Get up right when my alarm goes off for two weeks

November 2012
Visit all the museums in Singapore (at least 26)
Do yoga every day for a month
Work my way through intermediate Mandarin (Book 2)

December 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Visit family in California (3/5?)
Get makeup professionally done

Let's see if this helps me!

Some of My Bad Parenting Techniques

2012-01-27T21:30:00.000+08:00

Feeling guilty seems to go hand-in-hand with being a mother. I am against feeling guilty (what a useless emotion, either improve or get over it!); however, I frequently feel guilty about little R anyway. Here are five mini parenting fails:

--not putting sunscreen on her. We live in Singapore (=the tropics) and she has two pale Northern European-descended parents, so she really should wear it every day. But I hate putting it on (me or her), so I only do it if we are going hiking. I feel guilty about raising her risk of skin cancer though.

--not clipping her fingernails. She hates having her nails clipped (she fights like I'm trying to put her in a strait jacket). I also am afraid of accidentally clipping off part of her finger. For these reasons, I avoid clipping them. They get longer and longer, and I think, "I really need to cut them. I'll do it tomorrow for sure!" But I don't. She's needed a clipping for at least two weeks but I keep procrastinating. She is going to end up like that man in India.

--letting her lick her shoes. She loves playing with the velcro tabs on her shoes (chewing on them), which I guess is OK because they don't touch the ground. However, sometimes she will also start tasting other parts of the shoes (like the soles!) and I don't stop her out of laziness. She is probably getting all kinds of diseases. (I worry this is what caused the latest one, although I know that's irrational.)

--letting her eat food off the ground. Being a baby, she is a messy eater and food from her meals frequently ends up under the high chair. Once she's done eating, she likes to go for seconds on this new supply, and I let her (even if it's been sitting there a while because I felt too lazy to clean it up). I don't actually think this is dangerous, but it does teach her bad habits (like eating food OFF THE FLOOR is a good idea). Bad mother.

--letting her play with bottles of lotion/hand sanitizer/etc. B has actually told me several times that I shouldn't do this, because little R is sneaky and can get child-proof caps off now. I agreed with him, but continue to let her play with them when she's getting her diapers changed (as a distracting technique). Yesterday she was playing with a hand sanitizer bottle, and when I briefly wasn't looking, got the cap off and tried to guzzle down the contents! Luckily I prevented her just in time (good, because it would have been really embarrassing to take her to the ER to get her stomach pumped, admitting to all I am a careless mother).

Really I need to improve in these areas, but somehow I lack the necessary willpower/impetus. Maybe listing them here will help? (Probably not.)

Poor Little R Has Roseola

2012-01-26T23:01:00.004+08:00

Little R and I ventured out to the doctor today. She is much better (playing and up to naughtiness once again!) but recently developed a weird rash all over her torso, neck and cheeks. Apparently she has roseola: a widespread and fairly benign virus. The rash is already fading and should be better by tomorrow or the next day.

The good part about her being sick was that she wanted to sleep all the time (she's been sleeping 8 pm-10 am, plus longer-than-usual naps), so I've had lots of free time (albeit only at home). The bad part was everything else: she's been fussy, grumpy, unable to amuse herself, clingy and in general really miserable. Also watching her suffer made my heart hurt. Poor little thing.

It's strange that when you really love someone, you would much prefer to suffer on their behalf, as it would be less painful. (I have often thought this about B; now I have a new person to add to the list.) I don't know what I will do once she grows up and discovers real suffering (social rejection; serious illness; failure at important tasks).

Parenting is only for the strong-minded.

Each Child Is Different: More on Daycare

2012-01-26T16:34:00.000+08:00

I've been researching the effects of non-maternal child care on children, to find out that for the AVERAGE child, the type of child care does not matter (so long as it's high quality: obviously, warehousing children in front of Jerry Springer for hours a day is always bad).

However, this doesn't mean that for one particular child all solutions are equal. In fact, for many children, one solution will be much better than another. There are two separate issues to consider.

First, because daycare is an option, how beneficial it is depends on the available alternatives. In fact, for children from families without many emotional, intellectual or monetary resources, daycare is tremendously beneficial: they are exposed to a far wider variety of experiences and intellectual stimulation than they would be at home. In addition, the staff at a high-quality center may be far more skilled at childcare (in terms of knowledge of child development, emotional responsiveness, and patience) than these parents. For these reasons, programs like Head Start significantly help disadvantaged children, because they provide them with non-maternal care. Here's one paper on the subject.

Daycare being not just a good option, but a better option, is not a fact limited only to the very poorest parents, with the least resources. For example, there is a lot of research on the extremely negative effects of maternal depression on children. If staying at home means a depressed mother (or working out of the home means a happier mother), then daycare would also be a far superior option. In addition, living in poverty has very negative effects on children, even when controlling for other factors (like other characteristics of the parents). If attending daycare means the child would not have to experience poverty, then daycare would again be the best choice.

The other issue is one of individual differences. Daycare is intrinsically stimulating (all that exposure to other children, strange adults, and different routines). Some children will love this (especially extroverted, adaptable types); for other children, however, this stimulation will be very stressful. It seems that boys are more sensitive to stress; also, children with "difficult" personalities (in other words, children who have a hard time adapting to change, are more emotionally reactive/sensitive, and who have less self control) are more likely to be negatively affected by daycare. Here's one paper on the topic. In other words, a cheerful, easy going girl baby/toddler will probably thrive in daycare; a sensitive, moody boy may have a very hard time.

There is reason to believe that these differences are largely genetic (in other words, just part of the child's inborn personality). In fact, there is evidence that genes determine how children react to having bad parents (original paper here). Some children would probably thrive even in a really bad daycare (or at home with a bad parent); others need just the right environment to flourish.

Perhaps in the future, genetic testing will have advanced to the point that parents will be able to make decisions about childcare based partly on their child's unique genetic susceptibility. For right now, though, it's important for parents to holistically consider what skills/weaknesses they have (as in, great skill in dealing with toddlers OR the tendency to get depressed when not working), and also what skills/weaknesses their children have.

There really is no one-size-fits-all solution, and anyone who proposes one is not only wrong, but positively harmful.

Previous posts on this topic here and here.

Go to Work or Stay at Home: It Doesn't Matter

2012-01-23T22:42:00.002+08:00

So should mothers work or stay at home? In a way, there is no good scientific answer to this question, because there is no way to do a controlled study (this would require forcing women randomly to stay at home or work, and obviously will not happen in a free society; maybe an opportunity for North Korea to do some good in the world?). Leaving this issue aside, however...

The real answer seems to be two-fold:
1. In general, the type of childcare (so long as it's fairly high quality) doesn't matter. Children thrive equally well with constant maternal attention, 50+ hours in daycare, or something in between.

2. BUT: it depends very much on the particular child, parent and situation. Some children will be better off in daycare; others will be significantly harmed.

I was surprised by the results of point #1. You would think that with all the hullabaloo about working mothers and the importance of maternal care and warehousing children, that there would be a significant difference between children of working mothers and SAHMs. A lot of research has been done on this topic over the last 20+ years, and the scientists doing it are in general highly motivated to find dramatic results one way or the other (since that's what makes research well-publicized and them successful), but everyone has come up empty.

Here's a link to a summary of the results from the most comprehensive study on the subject, which spanned 15 years and included over 1000 children. Results: There's basically no difference, and the (small) differences which exist are conflicting. (For example, attending a child care center slightly increases cognitive and language development, and also behavior problems.)

Even studies on the effects of staying at home for mothers are contradictory. For example, this study shows that SAHMs of small children are more depressed and less healthy than working mothers; this study shows the opposite.

What these results suggest to me is that parents should feel free to make whatever decision they like best. The whole "mommy wars" thing and angst about mothers not personally caring for their children is a waste of time.

However, there is still point #2. I will discuss this (contradictory) point in a separate post.

The Conquest of Mexico

2012-01-23T20:15:00.000+08:00

I am reading Conquest by Hugh Thomas right now, which is about the conquest of Mexico by the Spanish in 1519.

Cortes has just sailed from Cuba, bound for the unknown regions of central America and Mexico. Officially he is supposed to be establishing trade routes and exploring the region; unofficially he is bound on getting as much booty as possible, as are all his troops (who aren't even paid; their remuneration is basically from looting: the Spanish have a lot in common with pirates at this point in time). He had to leave Cuba in a hurry, to avoid being removed from command after the governor became suspicious he planned to exceed his instructions.

For his trade/conquering/looting mission, these are Cortes' resources:
--10 small ships (actually 11 but one got lost on the way; sailing is not a strong point during this period)
--530 European soldiers, 50 sailors, 4 pilots, 5-10 women, a few hundred Cuban Indians, African freedmen and slaves, 2 priests and a couple of kidnapped Mayan fisherman (Cortes hoped they could serve as interpreters)
--16 horses and a bunch of dogs
--and for weapons (besides swords): 30 crossbows, 12 arquebuses (a very primitive gun), 14 pieces of artillery and a few cannon.

Cortes himself is a short (5'4"), clever man in his early thirties, whose main qualification seems to be his friendship with the governor and his ability to understand Latin. He has never led men in battle and never fought in anything beyond minor skirmishes (and some bar fights, during one of which he received a facial scar).

The idea of conquering an entire empire comprising most of central America and Mexico with this puny force is ridiculous. Yet that is exactly what happened. This is why I find history fascinating; you just couldn't make this stuff up.

Should Mothers Work or Stay at Home?

2012-01-22T23:08:00.003+08:00

One parenting topic that's sure to bring out the judgmental, wacky side of otherwise normal people is the issue of non-parental child care. As the debate is usually structured, should women quit their jobs (or otherwise completely rearrange their schedules/careers) to stay home with their (usually small) children, or not?

I have some problems with this debate. First of all, for the majority of women (either in the US or elsewhere), framing this question as a "choice" is silly. Women need to work for the money or the benefits, and thus can't afford to stay at home, regardless of their feelings; or they are forced to stay at home, for financial reasons (as in, they can't afford the cost of daycare on their salary), or cultural ones (as in, they live somewhere without daycare options or any social support which would make working possible). For probably 95% of the world there is no choice, one way or the other. Mothers have to make the best of whatever flawed system and options are available.

Secondly, this is almost always seen as a women's issue, even though every child also has a male parent. Men just do not deal with the issue of work vs. childcare for the most part (as reflected in the fact that the average man makes more after he has a child, not less). This is unjust and sexist.

We are asking the wrong question. The real question is, what is better for children and their mothers? Society ought to adjust around the answer, rather than the current situation in which the most vulnerable members of society (small children and their parents) are expected to adjust their needs for the convenience of others.

Answering this question, especially as it relates to young children, is incredibly important. Infancy and toddlerhood are a critical time for a human's development. In fact, all available research suggests that much (perhaps even most) of a child's future success in life, and their future psychological and physical health, is mostly determined during this period. Giving every child an optimal environment in which to grow and develop would likely eliminate a huge number of social and physical problems.

Unfortunately (and surprisingly, given its crucial importance), the answer to the question of the optimal childcare situation for children remains somewhat unclear. I have been doing a lot of research on the topic though (as I want to make the best decisions possible for little R), and will post what I've learned here.

Edit: Posts on whether staying at home or working is better here and here.

Trip to the ER: Singapore Style

2012-01-21T21:18:00.001+08:00

Little R did not improve from her illness of yesterday; instead, she got worse and spent the day fussing, sleeping or lethargically trying to play. I took her temperature at 6:30 pm, and found that it had risen to 103. This meant a trip to the emergency room, as her pediatrician's office was not open (it being Saturday evening and the beginning of Chinese New Year).

B and I packed our bags, called a taxi, and went off to the closest hospital, fully expecting an hours-long wait. B even took his computer so that he could work as we waited. To our surprise, the entire experience (including the taxi ride) took under one hour!!

We arrived, were interviewed and processed, then sent to reception, where our insurance information and personal information was entered into their system (as we hadn't been to the hospital before). Then we proceeded to the special children's ER waiting area, where we first saw the nurse (who weighed little R and took her temperature and blood pressure), then saw the doctor within 10 minutes. She was very nice and professional, and spent 20-30 minutes with us, patiently answering all our questions (I was kind of freaking out, as it's the first time little R has had a real sickness; luckily she's fine). We received prescriptions, a follow-up appointment, and a pamphlet about fevers. The prescriptions were filled at the hospital in about 5 minutes, and we were free to go.

It was incredibly efficient and stream-lined. I couldn't believe how easy the whole process was (or how cheap: we paid $5 singapore, or about $4 usd). I was really impressed.

It also reminds me how terrible the US medical system is. We really need an overhaul; unfortunately, due to bureaucratic inefficiency and vested interests, the chances of this are very small. Sad.

Sick Little R

2012-01-20T20:53:00.000+08:00

Poor little R got sick today. She missed her second swim class (it was raining and thundering anyway, so the class would have been cancelled even if she could have gone) and had to spend all day at home feeling fretful, feverish and stuffy. She took three naps instead of her usual two, but even the extra sleep did not help her feel much better.

Usually she is quite an independent baby, but today she kept coming up to me for hugs and comfort. She wouldn't stay in my lap though, because she feels compelled to toddle around destroying stuff, so after a few minutes she would struggle up on her feet and set off on a new mission. But then she would feel overwhelmed with sickness after 5-10 minutes, cry in frustration, and come up clinging to me again. This was the pattern all day long. As a result, neither of us got anything done.

We went out to dinner as she seemed to be feeling a little bit better after her third nap of the day. She ate her pasta bolognese with a good appetite, but midway through dinner paused and got a very concentrated look on her face. Then she threw up all over herself and the floor (her first time vomiting!).

I hope she feels better tomorrow.

I Love Rabbits

2012-01-19T22:59:00.001+08:00

I have a great great love for rabbits. They are my favorite animal, the heroes of one of my very favorite books (Watership Down), and overall just so totally cute! It is a source of great joy to me that little R was born in the Year of the Rabbit (and is even a Golden Rabbit: how cute is that?), as I have always regretted my Chinese zodiac sign is only a Horse.

Basically I love rabbits because they are cute. However, since this is really pretty shallow, I enjoy imputing a wide variety of moral qualities to them: for instance, that they are kind, patient and morally pure (since they are not aggressive and don't hurt other animals). The fantasy version of a rabbit that exists in my head acts as sort of a moral compass for me. This is one of the reasons I kind of don't want a pet rabbit, because then it would just be a cute furry animal and it would be harder to go around pretending rabbits are super-beings.

I still like looking at them though. This really cheesy video of a cartoon rabbit singing Europop makes me happy every single time I watch.

Grocery Shopping in Singapore

2012-01-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

Grocery shopping in Singapore is kind of inconvenient. I used to really like grocery shopping (especially when we lived in LA and had no money, because it was the only time I got to buy stuff. Buying canned beans, so exciting!). In San Francisco after little R was born, I still liked going to Trader Joe's and Safeway for all my various goodies, even though hauling a baby along made it somewhat more complicated.

Now, we don't have a car. This means all shopping has to be hauled by hand (it's a 15-20 minute walk one way to the nearest grocery store); I could take a taxi, but having to unload and load all my groceries as the driver waits, plus having to wait for the cab to arrive, make this a silly option for such a short distance.

I usually therefore take little R in the stroller (as carrying her plus a lot of groceries is too heavy). The benefit of this is that I can transport the groceries in the stroller; the downside is the stroller doesn't fit a ton of groceries, so I have to shop at least once a week (usually more like twice). Most people here seem to shop more frequently than Americans: it's pretty rare to see someone buying more than a large basket full of food.

I also have to go to at least two different grocery stores. Our main supermarket (Sheng Siong) is fairly reasonably priced, so I buy most of our groceries there (vegetables, meat, condiments, etc.). However, many products we want (like edible bread, high quality pasta and olive oil, Cheerios, cheese) aren't available there; to get those, I go to the expat-focused Cold Storage. Their selection (and displays) are a lot better, but many items cost twice as much as at Sheng Siong, so shopping there exclusively is not a good idea. Sometimes I also buy fresh produce at the local wet market (many small stands selling fruit, vegetables, fish and meat), because it's usually cheaper and fresher there, making three stops.

Unfortunately, whenever I go shopping little R has to accompany me. This means I can only shop during certain hours (9:30-11 or 2-3:30) and cannot stay very long. Her tolerance for shopping is small and usually only extends to one store. Therefore, to do a full shop takes all day (one store in the morning, one in the afternoon, and there is all my out-of-house time gone). Additionally, I must always bring the stroller, which is highly inconvenient due to the comparatively small aisles in stores here (shopping carts just barely fit, and two carts can't really pass each other).

I have experimented with getting food delivered (you order it online and then they bring it to your house), which worked well; however, the selection is not very good. So even if I get food delivered, I would still need to go to the grocery store.

Grocery shopping here is thus an all-day ordeal, involving about an hour of walking in the tropical heat while toting a fussy baby. Whenever I do it, it makes me nostalgic for the ease of American grocery shopping, with a car, lots of parking, big aisles, and stores that stock everything one could possibly want, at rock bottom prices.

Baby Led Weaning

2012-01-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

Little R has been eating solids since she was six months old. I decided to do Baby Led Weaning. This means that you just offer your child whatever you're eating (bread, meat, cooked vegetables), skipping purees altogether. Then the child feeds herself (or doesn't, depending on their mood at the time): in other words, the child is completely in control of the eating process. She eats until she's done, with no pressure one way or the other.

I decided on baby led weaning partly out of laziness (because having to prepare special meals sounded like a lot of trouble; also, since we eat out so often, it would have been highly inconvenient), and partly because I am kind of a hippie parent and liked the idea of little R being able to make her own decisions about food. I was an incredibly picky eater as a child (as in, I only ate about 15 foods), mostly because food became an intense battleground between me and my mother (who just wanted me to eat, but I was stubborn and wanted to be in control). I hoped that doing baby led weaning would take the pressure off and set little R up to have a more healthy relationship with food than I did.

So far it's been totally awesome. She ate very little at first, but over time she figured out how to chew, swallow, and use her fingers to pick up food. Now, I can just give her a big piece of bread and she will rip little pieces off it and daintily put them in her mouth. I never had to buy or make purees, as from the first she has just eaten what we do, which makes things easier for travel, eating out, or for food preparation in general. Because she's been used to eating a great variety of food from the beginning, so far she is a great eater without any dislikes (except spicy food).

It makes meals simpler too. Little R sits in her chair and feeds herself, so I am free to chat with B and eat my own food at my leisure. And because she's in charge, meals are never a battleground of wills: she eats at her own pace, in her own way, and that makes her happy.

Things that aren't so great: it makes a huge mess, because sometimes little R feels like throwing her food on the floor instead of eating it. Also, when she eats anything with sauce, she becomes covered in it as she is still somewhat clumsy (and she eats with her hands, so of course they become completely coated in whatever she's eating). The other drawback is that little R is so used to feeding herself now that she won't eat off a spoon (because she isn't dexterous enough to feed herself with one): she only will consent to be fed if the food is really good, like ice cream or mango pudding. This refusal makes it impossible for her to eat soups or other liquid food.

On the whole, though, it's been really wonderful, and I would absolutely recommend baby led weaning to anyone.

Little R Is Eleven Months Old

2012-01-16T12:50:00.001+08:00

Little R has officially become a toddler. She worked all month on her walking skills, and now can walk quite confidently, even on uneven or slanted surfaces. She has even started going on short walks with us (although because she's interested in every little rock or piece of garbage, and not interested in covering ground, they are very slow walks). She even runs around the house now, especially when she's playing the "chase me" game, or trying to get something that is forbidden. She got her first pair of shoes, and for the first few days it was very humorous to watch her clomp around in them (her feet felt unexpectedly heavy!). Now she's used to them, and navigates with ease.

Her hand gestures really took off this month. She can now clap her hands, point, and wave bye-bye. She is especially fond of pointing, which she uses to bring my attention to interesting objects or events, demand things, or appreciate books with. She loves clapping her hands in time to music; in fact, she loves music in general (rather to my surprise, as neither B nor I are at all musical), and will laugh and smile when she hears it.

Along with the walking came a certain personality shift. While still good-tempered and cheerful, she is much more willful and active now. She knows what she wants, and whenever she is thwarted she will vehemently protest. Occasionally she will even fall to the floor shrieking and beat it with her little hands (a pre-temper tantrum perhaps?). And any interference with her goals (for instance, if I am holding her when she wants to walk) is almost painful to her, because she wants to use her new skills so much. So far it hasn't been that hard to take; I really sympathize with her intense desire to get her way and do what she wants (maybe because I still often feel that way!). So far this sympathy has prevented me from getting annoyed with her when she bursts into tears because I closed the refrigerator: we'll see how I feel later though.

I feel like my little snuggle baby has definitely gone away, but I am not sad. This new toddler busily engaged in exploration is far more interesting.

Nicknames: Fur, ZiZi, Little Gremlin (especially appropriate when she is running around the house, destroying or devouring everything within reach)
Temperament: Active (strangers are always commenting on this), driven, happy, curious
Things I Could Do Without: Diaper changing continues to be my least favorite thing. You hate it because it requires immobility, when you have other things you want to be doing. Thus, every change is a wrestling match. I try to diaper you standing, but since you don't want to stand still this doesn't help much.
Item/Toy We Love the Most: Your new shoes: they are really cute, and enable us to explore the outside world with you.
Item/Toy You Love the Most: Still the elephant feely; now you don't want to go to sleep unless it's with you. I need to buy a backup!
Things I'm Loving Most Right Now: Your developing imagination and creativity (I think you played some kind of imaginary game for the first time a few days ago), your curiosity about everything, the way you have started to notice the world around you (pointing neon signs, people cleaning the windows, and flowers out for my attention)
Things You're Loving Most Right Now: Ripping food and other things into little pieces, then putting these pieces in your mouth; walking everywhere; sticking things in your mouth (especially forbidden things like small stones, cigarette butts and power cords)
Foods You Like: Blueberries, pork dumplings, bread, lemon curd, pasta with tomato sauce, tomatoes in general, papadum, hardboiled eggs, Cheerios...You aren't really a picky eater, but you dislike poor-quality food (so you will only eat eggs if your father has cooked them). This cracks me up because your father is such a food snob, and so far you are just the same.
Sounds/Words: For actual words, only Dada and Mama; you "talk" constantly, to yourself, to your dolls and animals, and to us, until it almost sounds like speech. Sometimes when cross you will shout "Na Na Na!" but I am not sure if this is an attempt at "no" or just a shout in general.

Sungei Buloh Nature Reserve

2012-01-15T22:30:00.020+08:00

We went to Sungei Buloh Nature Reserve for our family outing this week (completing one of my 101 in 1001 goals since it's migration season right now!). This is a preserved area of mangrove forest and riverine habitat, something very special in Singapore as most of the other similar areas has been transformed into landfill or container ports.

Going to Sungei Buloh is kind of like entering another world: The Planet of Lizards. Almost the first thing we saw when we got there was a salt-water crocodile, perhaps 7 feet long. This species is very aggressive and deadly, and for that reason there were signs all over the reserve warning visitors to be on their guard (little R took her duty seriously). They also had anti-crocodile fencing in certain areas.

Sungei Buloh is dominated numerically by another species: the monitor lizards. The Komodo dragon is actually a variety of monitor lizard, so as you can imagine the Malayan water monitors in Singapore also can get rather large: the biggest one we saw was about 6 feet, and eating a foot-long, still wriggling fish. The monitor lizards were all over the place: they can swim, climb trees, and run surprisingly fast, so they had every habitat covered. We also saw many species of birds, including egrets, herons, kingfishers, plovers, and orioles. Otters live there too, but unfortunately we didn't see them.

Little R had a good time practicing walking and carrying a stick around like a dog. Perhaps she thought it would help fend off crocodiles? She also enjoyed covering herself in leaf mold. The monitor lizards and other wildlife didn't seem to impress her whatsoever though: I suppose she is still too little to care.

Even though it was Sunday, the park was very uncrowded (the only visitors were other white foreigners). Admission is $1, and you could easily spend most of the day there, especially if you have an interest in wildlife/bird watching. They had a very nice cafe-restaurant, with a view of a pond full of turtles, fish, and monitor lizards. I would highly recommend a visit to Sungei Buloh if you have any interest in wildlife or nature.

Land of Eternal Summer and Snakes

2012-01-14T21:42:00.000+08:00

I am loving the weather in Singapore right now. Because we are basically on the equator, there are no seasons here: it's the land of eternal summer. After almost a month of grim wintry temperatures, bare trees, and darkness by 6 pm, strolling around in sandals and a tank top through lush jungle feels exceedingly luxurious.

We went for a two-hour walk in the nearby West Coast Park, and even at 4 pm it was hot enough to sweat. Little R had a great time toddling back and forth--she kept leaning backwards to stare at the trees until I was afraid that she would fall over. She also likes picking up sticks and wandering around with them clutched in her hand: another way that a baby is like a dog.

On the way to the park, as we were passing under a tree a snake suddenly rappelled down out of the branches, two feet ahead of us. It was about two and a half feet long, and not very scared of us at all, apparently, as it just hung out hissing for five minutes or so (since little R was in the stroller I did not want to go past). Eventually a passing truck convinced it to retreat, and it slithered up the tree with great dexterity. Looking it up at home, it was the Oriental Whip Snake, which is mildly venemous. It made me feel a little bit creepy: snakes are all around, in the drains, trees and who knows where else!

My ABCs of Travel

2012-01-14T00:45:00.001+08:00

I saw this at Alex in Wanderland's site, and thought it looked like fun...

A: Age you went on your first international trip:
16. I went to Grenada, Spain, with a language study program (I am forever grateful to my awesome father, who talked my overprotective mother into letting me go.). We also traveled to Seville, Madrid and Toledo. Despite the fact that I lost 20 pounds on my diet of exclusively chocolate, bread and granitas (I was a really picky eater then and scared to eat Spanish food), I had a wonderful time. Appreciating the art (Seeing Velasquez's Las Meninas for the first time was breathtaking) and architecture (I loved the Alhambra so much I went at least once a week), and experiencing a foreign culture was incredibly meaningful and fascinating to me. I was immediately hooked on travel!

B: Best (foreign) beer you’ve had and where:
The best beer I've ever had was in Prague, Czech Republic. I can't pick one brand, because they were all absolutely amazing (and so cheap, like as cheap as a Coca-Cola!). Just get whatever's on draft.

C: Cuisine (favourite):
Italian or Chinese.

Italian for the pastas, the delicious fresh produce, the gelato, the pizza...I ate the best pizza ever at a little sidewalk cafe in Naples: just tomato sauce, a square of mozzarella and a couple leaves of basil on crispy pizza bread. It was perfection.

Chinese for the incredible variety of flavors and tastes, the regional variety, the stir-fried vegetables (pea sprouts and garlic=so good numnumnum), the dumplings, the deep-fried meats...It's hard to pick one meal that was the best: maybe the first time I ate xiaolongbao (pork soup dumplings) at the flagship Din Tai Fung Restaurant in Taipei? Absolutely incredible. If I had to only eat one thing for the rest of my life, this might be it.

D: Destinations, favorite, least favorite and why:

Favorite Destination: I have a hard time just picking one. Rome, maybe for the history (I am obsessed with ancient Rome): plus, the food! I absolutely loved Japan: it's beautiful, full of history and art, there are so many great sites and museums, and the food is quite good. I also love China, in all its polluted, hectic, crowded insanity: it's one of the most exciting places on Earth, its historical and cultural attractions are absolutely amazing, the natural beauty is stunning, and it's really affordable (sadly not true for Japan, home of the $4 banana).

Least Favorite: Vietnam. The natural beauty is amazing, but I found the hostility, sexism and constant crime (violent and non-violent) disturbing (not to mention the rural poverty, which is exceedingly depressing). It's one of the few places I've been that I did not feel safe.

E: Event that made you say “wow”:
Most recently, watching a kecak dance performance at Uluwatu Temple in Bali as the sun set. The combination of music, dance and scenery was breath-taking.

F: Favorite mode of transportation:
Trains, no contest. I like being able to see the scenery while moving around freely: planes are too confined, driving too stressful, and buses are basically just awful.

G: Greatest feeling while traveling:
Seeing something in person that you've only read/heard about.

H: Hottest place you’ve ever traveled to:
Taipei in summer 2003; the Taklamakhan desert in Xinjiang, China

I: Incredible service that you’ve experienced and where:
Maybe the ryokan (traditional inn) in Japan, where the hostess put our shoes on our feet for us. Or Bali, where whenever we went out to eat, the servers would take my infant daughter off and amuse her throughout our entire meal, leaving me free to eat at my leisure.

J: Journey that took the longest:
Maybe the journey from Warsaw to St. Petersburg, during which we were hauled off the train during a stopover in Belarus, and then deported for failing to bribe the customs agents appropriately. We had only a 50 Deutsche mark in currency, and used it to bribe the conductor of the train the Belarussian border agents tossed us on. Luckily it all worked out, and we ended up in Prague. What a happy ending to the multiple-day ordeal!

The journey that felt the longest was either the overnight ferry from Italy to Greece, during which I became horribly seasick (despite my confidence that I would overcome seasickness with willpower), or the bus ride from hell in Vietnam, during which we were jammed in three to a two-seat section (and the peasant lady we shared with fell asleep on my shoulder for hours), the bus broke down, chickens ran down the aisles, and someone attempted to pickpocket us with their feet. It took about 18 hours to go a very short distance. Never again.

K: Keepsake from your travels:
Handmade felt rug from Xinjiang, made by the Kazakh minority: I saw one being made by nomads in their yurt. I bought two at the bazaar in Kashgar, where I had to haggle with a Uighur merchant while sipping extremely sweet tea: the other went to my sister as a wedding present.

L: Let-down sight, why and where:
The Great Wall of China. I made the mistake of seeing it on one of the many dreadful package tours: extremely crowded, hot, polluted and with tortured sun bears. Go independently.

M: Moment where you fell in love with travel:
In the Court of Lions at the Alhambra. It was the most perfect courtyard I'd ever seen, and thinking about its long history (including the fact that the royals who bankrolled Columbus had stood in that very spot) made it even more special.

N: Nicest hotel you’ve stayed in:
I've been lucky enough to stay at a fair number of nice hotels, thanks to generous relatives and traveling in non-wealthy countries. The nicest so far was the Peninsula Hotel in Bangkok. The views, service, food and amenities were all amazing: the hotel even has its own boat, on which you can cruise across the river.

O: Obsession – what are you obsessed with taking pictures of while traveling?
I'm not very good at taking pictures of anything: I get caught up in the moment and forget all about it. Maybe ruins? I have a lot of pictures of antique buildings in various states of decrepitude.

P: Passport stamps – how many and from where?
I'm going to assume this means how many countries visited: 25. In order of visits: USA (born and raised!), Spain, England, Germany, Poland, Belarus, Czech Republic, Russia, Austria, Italy, the Vatican, Greece, Bulgaria, Turkey, the Netherlands, Taiwan, Vietnam, Thailand, Cambodia, China, Mexico, Japan, Singapore, Malaysia, and Indonesia.

Q: Quirkiest attraction you’ve visited and where:
Most recently, Haw Par Villa: a patent medicine millionaire's personal vision of the afterlife, Chinese mythology, and classical Chinese literature. Weird and very personal, it's unlike anywhere else I've seen.

R: Recommended sight, event or experience:
How to recommend just one? Maybe Lijiang, in Yunnan province, China. It's stunningly beautiful, exotic, unusual, and historic: and won't be that way for long, probably, as it now has an airport and increasing numbers of Chinese tourists. The original Shangri-La, with orchids, glaciers, an interesting ethnic minority, and charming cobblestoned streets and villages.

S: Splurge – something you have no problem forking over money for while traveling:
Seeing cultural attractions. This can get pricey when you factor in transport, especially in places without good public transit, or to out-of-the-way locations. But riding an elephant through the upland jungles of Vietnam, seeing ancient ruined cities along the Silk Road, or visiting a gold mine on Japan's Sado Island was completely worth the money.

T: Touristy thing you’ve done:
I have a great need to visit the most famous attractions of any place I visit, even when that's probably a bad idea (the Great Wall; Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco; the whole city of Saigon). Usually they are famous for a reason though (the Sistine Chapel, the Forbidden City, the Tower of London).

U: Unforgettable travel memory:
Seeing the Roman forum and surrounding areas in person. The Colosseum, the temples, Trajan's column, the Palatine: it was incredible. The most exciting part for me was seeing the Rostra, where so many famous Romans (Cicero, Mark Antony, Caesar) actually stood to give speeches to the mob; and where Cicero's ears were nailed after he chose the wrong side in the civil war.

V: Visas, how many and for where?
Russia, Turkey, Taiwan (4), Vietnam, Cambodia, China (5), Indonesia

W: Wine, best glass of wine while traveling and where?
I don't really know anything about wine, so this is an uneducated opinion, but I loved the wine in Greece (retsina is so tasty!) and Italy (it really was amazing, even when you were ordering only the house wine like me).

X: eXcellent view and from where?
So many! Most recently, the view of the ocean off Tanjung Rhu and the view of Langkawi from Gunung Mat Cincang will be something I'll remember forever.

Y: Years spent traveling:
If you count living as an expat, two in Taiwan, one in China, and six months in Singapore, plus four months traveling in Europe (one in Russia), three in China, and then the rest. Let's call it 4.5 years.

Z: Zealous sports fans and where?
I avoid sports whenever possible. Maybe the British for soccer, the Chinese for pingpong, and the Japanese for baseball?

Social Class in America

2012-01-13T13:52:00.000+08:00

Social class in the United States is a tricky thing to discuss, in large part because most Americans are in denial about its existence. But even though it's something nobody talks about, it exists and affects almost every aspect of people's lives, from the schools they attend to the clothes they wear.

Class is mostly about money, but not about the amount which you personally have. Rather, it's about the wealth of your family and how you were brought up. While people can change their class, for the most part this is only possible during one's childhood and adolescence. By early adulthood, one's class is set, and is almost impossible to change. This is largely why fancy/elite schools exist: they train children in how to adopt the customs and class markers of the upper middle or upper class. (This is also why people from higher classes care so much about their children's education; if they are sent to a low-class school, the children's class status might slip.)

The near impossibility of changing one's class after age 20 or so can be seen in the existence of the "nouveau riche", who are people with enough wealth to belong to a high class, but who lack the culture and class markers necessary for membership. The opposite, of the "decayed gentry", or people who are poor but in a higher class than their incomes would suggest, demonstrates how permanent class is, even late into adulthood. (Since most of these people are intellectuals, it also shows how important education is to class.)

There are four main classes in the United States:
--Upper Class: those who don't need to work; their income comes from investments, property, mineral rights, etc. There aren't a lot of these people in the US, and most of them live in only a few places (certain areas of the East Coast, San Francisco, a few other large cities). Most of them are WASPs, which in addition to connoting a certain race, ethnic background and religion describes a particular culture. Important elements include the outdoors (WASPs tend to love expensive, non-team sports like golf, tennis, sailing and skiing) and understatement (no obvious brand labels, muted colors, carefully distressed furniture/clothes). The upper class tends to be taller and thinner than average (in general, Americans' weight is highly correlated with their class: the higher the class, the slimmer), and also relatively stupid (the brightest Americans are usually middle class). Despite their relative lack of brains, this class has a great deal of power (owning most companies, for example), but they don't usually do the hands-on work (George W. Bush is a good example of this in action), which is reserved for the middle class.

--Middle Class: those who work at skilled jobs. Unlike the upper class, they must work to support themselves; however, those at the top of this category (the Upper Middle Class) can make very large salaries indeed: most CEOs, doctors, lawyers, and investment bankers are here. Because the middle class doesn't tend to have a huge amount of inherited wealth, education becomes hugely important in maintaining one's middle class status. This class dominates American society culturally (and demographically), with the upper middle class in particular in charge of day-to-day operations in almost every area.
---Upper middle class: these are highly skilled professionals, often with tertiary degrees. Most of them live in urban centers. To some extent, their tastes and habits mimic the upper class's (in part because they may attend the same schools).
---Middle class: skilled professionals, who usually have college degrees. Their jobs don't offer the same level of autonomy and responsibility as the upper middle class (nurse vs. doctor, elementary school teacher vs. college professor) but are usually fairly well-paying. They like TV, American food and branded products better than the upper middle class. They are also more religious.
---Lower middle class: skilled workers, who may or may not have higher education (store supervisors, skilled tradesmen). This is the class hardest hit by the growth of the new American economy, as well-paying union jobs disappear. If they are lucky, they can get more education and move upward; otherwise, they end up in the working class.

--Working class: those who work at unskilled jobs, not requiring much education. Examples would be waitress, store clerk, or factory worker. Their jobs don't pay that well, usually have unpleasant working conditions (like numerous punitive rules, rigid working hours or no benefits), and may be unsteady/unreliable in working hours. They tend to be less puritanical, and less uptight, than the middle class. They also tend to value education less.

--Non-working class: those who do not have regular jobs (many of them do work, but off the books, at illegal activities, or only seasonally). Being on welfare is a common source of income. This group has a disproportionate number of social problems, including a large number of its members in jail (partly because they commit more crimes, partly because the other classes are more savvy at not getting caught).

The best description I have read of the different social classes' tastes, pursuits, and values is in Paul Fussell's Class in America. It's a little old (from the nineties I think?) but still mostly relevant.

The Flight Home

2012-01-11T21:21:00.000+08:00

We left the US on Monday morning; however, due to the international date line, we didn't arrive in Singapore until Wednesday (at 2 in the morning, ouch). The time in the air is 18 hours (11 hours to Tokyo, 7 to Singapore), but with early arrival at the airport, customs, layover time, baggage collection, etc., it's probably almost a full day of travel.

As always, the flight was not fun. The San Francisco-Tokyo flight was full, and we did not get bulkhead seats. The plane was an old one (for some reason, Delta uses all its janky, decrepit planes for its US flights; the ones within Asia are pretty nice). Thus, we were stuck in the middle of the plane, in very cramped seats. There was no room for little R to even stand on the floor, so we spent hours going up and down the aisles to keep her amused: mostly this was me, as B 1. had the flu and 2. had to finish preparing for his classes, which started 9 hours after our arrival. Little R slept for maybe an hour. In the end, this was not all bad, because on the next leg she slept for maybe two-thirds of the flight.

The Tokyo connection was really tight (as in, our flight had started boarding before we landed), so we had to hustle to make it. I was glad that I had packed food, because otherwise it would have been a long, sad journey. We again did not have bulkhead seats, but we did have our own row of three (our row mate switched seats when he saw us: a win-win situation I suppose!). Having more space is really nice, but little R could not actually use her seat. I put her in it to sleep (lying down) but then she moved in her sleep and fell off onto the floor, with a big thud. She was not pleased. Oops. So she slept for the rest of the flight on my lap, interspersed with eating Cheerios and getting their little gummy remnants all over my black jeans and sweater. (Note to self: do not wear black when traveling with little R unless you want to look like a hobo.)

While little R was sleeping, I watched Moneyball. B recommended this movie, I think because it's about economics: it even features one of his important computer programs in a screen shot. I call it the Black Program but do not know its real name: it's for running statistical analyses I think. It was mildly entertaining but I would probably have preferred some dumb girly movie like What's Your Number? Second note to self: when in the market for mindless entertainment, do not consult B.

Hanging Out with the In-Laws

2012-01-08T17:24:00.000+08:00

Sunday the 8th was kind of rushed. I finished buying clothes for B (he is death on clothes, even though his job just involves sitting in front of a computer: I don't know how he does it) and little R, along with some other stuff (like Luna Bars for the flight since I can never eat any of the food). Then I packed: we got so much stuff for Christmas that we had an extra suitcase, and required duct tape to prevent the dufflebag from exploding. All this was not too complicated, but then I had to go to San Francisco to meet B and his family at Town Hall.

I was pretty surly about this. B was flying back from Chicago that evening (why we were meeting at the restaurant), so having dinner with his family meant we wouldn't really have time to get anything else done. The reason for the dinner was that B's dad doesn't listen, so even though we told him B would be in Chicago after January 4th, he forgot. Then he felt sad that we were leaving without a last dinner together, so out of filial obligation B agreed to meet. It's hard for B to refuse his father things because he feels so sorry for him: he is really a pitiable character, and even though he drives me crazy I know he can't help it. Next time we will do things differently though. It was too inconvenient.

The actual dinner was fine (in large part because I did not bring little R). Town Hall has excellent food but is not at all my kind of place. The menu is typical high-brow American (buttermilk fried chicken, pork chops, oysters, etc.), which means it's very meat-heavy. I prefer my meat as a garnish for vegetables (unless it's bacon), and especially dislike the kind of meat that comes caveman-style (big hunks on the bone). The non-meat options were all seafood: I also dislike most seafood (especially mussels and other shellfish: this partly stems from the time they served us shellfish in Taiwan so fresh it was still walking around the plate). We had a lot of alcohol too--the wine list is quite extensive--which assisted with dinner.

Sometimes it's strange hanging out with B's family because they are from a different social strata than my family. B and I both went to fancy private schools, but my parents are solidly middle class. When B was a kid, his family went on two vacations a year: one to Hawaii, and one international, plus numerous ski trips (those were so common that they didn't count). Sometimes they took a babysitter with them, like the time they went to Portugal for three weeks. We went to the mountains for a week or two. When my family ate out (not that often), we went for Chinese or Chevy's; B's family only goes to expensive restaurants with a good wine list. In fact, my sister in law refuses to eat Chinese food because she thinks all Chinese restaurants are "dirty". My parents like to go for hikes; B's father goes sailing on his boat, while his brother likes to go heliskiing. Stereotypically, his family also never discusses their real feelings about anything, sticking to travels, wine, the stock market, etc., which as I come from the kind of family where everyone discusses the merits of their therapists is also strange.

One of the unexpected parts about marriage is that your spouse is actually a package deal. Not only do you get the person you fell in love with, but you also are permanently stuck with their crazy relatives, odd traditions, and family culture. (And later on, with their family obligations: my father spends hours each week tending for my mother's demented father.) Maybe it's good most people don't realize this initially: otherwise no one would begin a committed relationship!

Pelicans: Not as Harmless as You Think

2012-01-08T14:14:00.000+08:00

Last week we went on a hike around the Lafayette Reservoir. Since it's the Bay Area, even winter is fairly mild and we enjoyed sunny weather and fairly warm temperatures. My parents like hiking there due to all the bird life (they both enjoy birding and nature in general). We saw a pretty good variety of bird species, including white pelicans most excitingly. I fantasized they had retreated to the wilds of Contra Costa county as a break from the hectic and exciting lives along the coast.

We have a good family story about pelicans. When my mother was a young toddler (around 2 years old), she and her family went on a picnic to the beach. While she was playing in the sand behind her parents, a pelican approached, and then suddenly gobbled my mother up. She was too big to fit entirely in its pouch, so her legs stuck out, but her head and most of her body were deep in the pelican's maw.

It was so sudden she didn't even have time to cry out, so my grandparents didn't notice. The pelican then tried to take off, but my mother's weight made it a difficult proposition and it was struggling to rise. Luckily for my future existence, a nearby teenage boy saw the pelican with toddler legs sticking out of its mouth, ran over, and pulled my mother out. (The pelican flew off, presumably in search of smaller prey.) She was none the worse for wear, just somewhat slimy.

My Good Friend Pixie

2012-01-07T13:10:00.000+08:00

Possibly little R's favorite thing about California is my parents' dog Pixie. Pixie is a Chihuahua-terrier-bichon frise mix and quite a character. She and little R spend hours every day playing together; they are on the same territory (low to the ground), have similar interests (chewing/licking everything within reach, playing), and a similar intellectual/developmental level, so a good friendship was perhaps inevitable.

They follow each other around the house, share food (little R loves feeding Pixie from her high chair; Pixie has now learned to beg), play tug of war and fetch (little R learned how to throw so she could play with Pixie), and generally have a fine old time. Sometimes Pixie suffers (like when little R pulls her fur out, or tugs on her paws while Pixie is trying to take a nap), but she is very patient and tolerant. She even lets little R eat out of her food bowl (I could do with a little less tolerance from Pixie in this area).

It's totally cute and makes me want a dog of my own, at least until I think of the logistics and increased trouble.

In Defense of Food

2012-01-06T14:06:00.000+08:00

I recently read Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma, and loved it so much that I decided to try In Defense of Food.

I didn't like this book as much. It was well-written--Pollan has a very nice style--and had an interesting perspective on how one should eat. But I don't usually like diet books, and this is basically a diet book. They tend to be simplistic in their thinking and use a lot of shady science.

To Pollan's credit, he notes that very little is actually known about nutrition and food's effects on the human body. But then he goes ahead and makes recommendations anyway. For example, he notes that organic or heritage food has a different chemical composition than the more conventional varieties. This is very interesting and thought-provoking. But then he assumes that these differences mean organic food is superior (even though elsewhere he's stated that we don't know exactly what these differences consist of, let alone what they mean). It very well might be superior, but maybe it's also full of various toxins (since organic plants have to fend off pests); the state of current information is just not good enough to know. Nature is not a benevolent force after all (See: brain-eating bacteria in the water).

Most of his recommendations made intuitive sense, like that eating vegetables is very good for you, or lots of corn syrup is probably not a good idea. However, the glaring omission in his "diet rules" was the role of total calories or portion size. There is a lot of evidence that 1. calorie restriction prolongs life and 2. being fat is really, really bad for you. Americans have gotten a lot fatter in recent decades, and while there are many reasons for this, the main one is just that we eat too much. (The average American consumes 500 more calories than he did in 1970.) Every time I return to the US, I am shocked by the enormous portion sizes and constant snacking.

Pollan does say eat "not too much". But the book's focus is primarily on things like eating more vegetables, local produce, organic/free range meats and eggs, and unprocessed food. Since the book's target audience is American, if health is his goal he needs to focus heavily on portion size and eating less. The average American already eats 20% more fruits and vegetables than in 1970, so stressing an increase in these is not that helpful.

These criticisms aside, the book was well-written and the best diet book I have read (though admittedly this is a very low quality genre). And most of Pollan's recommendations were sensible and well-put. Following his advice might not make you healthier, but it wouldn't hurt you either.

Mount Diablo

2012-01-05T14:02:00.000+08:00

My favorite thing about the suburb my parents live in is Mount Diablo, an isolated mountain in the middle of the county and a state park. Seeing loom up on the horizon as you enter the town they live in is so dramatic. There is something about a mountain that is stirring and uplifting, especially when it's still in a natural state.

The name is kind of unusual (it means Devil Mountain in Spanish). According to my father, who used to be an archaeologist, it got that name because the Spanish fought a battle with one of the local Native American tribes on the slopes of the mountain. The Spanish lost. Among the Native Americans was a medicine man or shaman, and the Spanish believed their defeat was due to his evil magic powers. This story has always fascinated me, because it's not the typical one told of the interactions between the Native Americans and Europeans. I imagine the bewilderment and terror each side must have felt, as two such different cultures faced each other, the one with a shaman in full spiritual regalia, and the other with strange pale long-nosed men clad in wool and metal.

California is very different now, from either the managed wilderness densely populated by hundreds of unique tribes, or the sparsely settled ranching empire dominated by Franciscan priests, dashing Mexican cowboys, and their Indian slaves. But many of the names remain, as a reminder of what used to be.

My Husband Thinks Parenting Is Really Easy

2012-01-04T15:29:00.000+08:00

Tonight B and I went out to dinner (at the Monk's Kettle; it was delicious!) with some friends of ours. The wife is about three months pregnant, so B and I were discussing being parents on our way home.

During the conversation, B comes out with this statement, "It's really easy to be a parent." This is not an off-hand comment (or rather, it was, but that is truly what he thinks). He said something similar at dinner.

I wasn't sure to respond. On the one hand, sometimes I have thought this too. After all, most of parenting is just repeating a set of fairly mundane, simple tasks (feed the baby, change the diaper, dress the baby, put the baby to bed, etc.) over and over and over. Plus little R is an adaptable, healthy, cheerful baby and thus relatively easy to parent. On the other hand, his comment really annoyed me, for the following reasons.

1. I do basically everything child-related. B occasionally changes a diaper here and there, and usually gives little R her bath. Everything else is my responsibility: feeding her, dressing her, getting up multiple times in the middle of the night when she has jet lag, making rules for her and enforcing them, taking her to the doctor... Of course he thinks it's easy, since he doesn't do any of it!

2. Because I do all the child-related chores, B only spends time with little R when it's fun: playing with her, going on family outings, having dinner together. In addition, while he does spend a fair amount of time with her, I am almost always there too (or nearby, like in the next room). If she gets really upset or whiny, she returns to me.

This is partly a deliberate choice on my part: because B is not really a baby-centered person, I thought it would help him develop a better relationship with little R if their interactions were mostly positive. In fact, this policy worked really well: maybe too well?

3. Since all the heavy lifting and almost all the unpleasantness of parenting is done by me, I felt sort of slighted by B's remarks. If he thinks parenting is so easy, then presumably he thinks what I do all day is also really easy (he did not actually say this). Perhaps according to B, I am basically living the life of Riley while he slaves away in the coal mines of work. I admit parenting is certainly NOT the hardest job I've ever had: but it's certainly not the easiest either! Part of me feels like I just make it look easy, and because I am doing a fairly good job, B doesn't see the hard work that led up to the final result. Alternatively, he is just not very observant of what I am doing, since he is preoccupied with his own things.

Maybe I am being too sensitive?

Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-03T14:25:00.000+08:00

I love making resolutions. There is something so hopeful and optimistic about the whole process, that supposes that lasting positive change is not only possible but likely.

For 2012, I am making three, one for health, one for character-building, and one for intellectual development (mind, body and spirit I suppose?).

1. Exercise at least 5 days/week. This means actual exercise of at least an hour (walking at a normal pace doesn't count). This will improve my health, physical fitness and hopefully appearance (since I'd like to lose 10 pounds).

2. Study Chinese at least 5 hours/week. I really want to improve my skills in this area, especially because I've forgotten almost everything I used to know.

3. Consider my husband's needs/desires as equal in importance to my own. I have a fairly strong personality and am very fond of getting my own way. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, when you're married there is no such thing as a successful power grab, because your happiness and well-being are bound together. If one member of the couple is unhappy, then you both are, because you are a team. I need to work on being a better team player, not only because this will make my husband happier, but because it will benefit me too.

China Is So Tacky

2012-01-02T15:42:00.000+08:00

Chinese taste always baffles me. In the usual competition of Chinese cities to be the most modern and impressive, Chongqing has decided to construct a 900+ feet building, in the shape of the Chinese character for person. Cleverly, it also resembles one of the characters for Chongqing.

I can't remember ever having seen a tackier and more ridiculous-looking building (and I used to live in Shanghai, home of the hot pink Pearl Tower so that is saying something). This is an excellent demonstration of why bureaucrats shouldn't be allowed to make any aesthetic decisons (and perhaps also a partial explanation of the extreme ugliness of most Communist architecture?).

2011 in Review

2012-01-01T15:44:00.000+08:00

2011 was a year full of huge changes for me. I had a baby, quit my job, and then adjusted to being a mother and housewife.

In July we moved to Singapore, a country and region of the world I had never been to before. We had to learn how to do everything in a foreign environment, find an apartment, and unpack all our stuff. Since then we have been adjusting to expat life, B's first professional job, and a new culture and climate.

We traveled a lot: B went to the East Coast and southern California for work, R and I went to Washington to visit family, we moved to Singapore, B went to Japan (for work), we all traveled back to the US (and B went to the East Coast again), B went to China (for work) we took family trips to Hong Kong, Malaysia and Indonesia, and then we flew again to the US (with a third trip to the East Coast for B).

We saw many interesting things--wild monkeys, temples, historical artifacts, museums, tropical beaches--and learned a lot. Sometimes it was very fun and sometimes it was horrible. It was always both interesting and stressful.

This year was full of intense emotions, both good and bad. The good moments included getting to know little R, watching B develop into a great father, and visiting Hong Kong and Langkawi. There were also a lot of really bad moments: stress-fueled fights, sleepless nights, horribly long plane flights, money issues...

I would like 2012 to be a nice calm year without any more dramatic changes. However, to be honest, this is most unlikely. So instead I hope it will be a year full of personal growth, in which I become a better person, take care of my husband and baby in a way that I can be proud of, and make time for travel, relaxation and my family. Fingers crossed and braced for the ride!

The Omnivore's Dilemma

2011-12-31T14:45:00.000+08:00

I had heard quite a bit about Michael Pollan before reading this book, mostly extremely positive things, to the point that I felt dubious about him out of contrariness. Also, I knew that he is one of the patron saints of eating food produced on small, local family farms (a method of food production that I have a lot of objections to), so I came into the book with sort of a chip on my shoulder.

I loved this book. It was one of my top ten this year (I usually read about 150 books/year, so that is really good). I talked it up so much that I convinced both my parents to read it. I also went back to the library and got another of his books (In Defense of Food), even though it's a diet book and I usually hate those. It's even made me feel (somewhat) enthusiastic about both small family farms AND hunting (which is a huge stretch, let me tell you).

So why did I like this book so much? It's divided into three sections. The first covers mechanized, industrial agriculture (how basically all food in the US is produced). I had only a cursory knowledge of this industry, and found his discussion totally fascinating. Did you know that chemically, Americans are basically corn chips because most of our food is just processed corn in various forms? Or that 125,000 acres of North America are covered in corn (twice the size of New York state, and visible from space)? I loved learning about the hidden processes behind the food we eat, both animal and vegetable. B liked this section too (or at least the parts I read to him) because it discusses chemical fertilizer, which is his latest research interest.

The second section is about organic farming, both the large-scale kind (which is very similar to traditional agriculture, minus the heavy chemical use) and the small-scale family farm kind. Of course Pollan thinks the small scale kind is vastly superior, and its perfection is represented by the farmer Joel Salatin. Salatin is certainly an interesting character, but also an ignorant crank on all topics not involving farming, so I found Pollan's hagiographic descriptions of him hard to take at times. Nonetheless, learning about the organic farming industry was also fascinating, and so were Pollan's lyrical descriptions of Salatin's farming operations. There is something very beautiful about the concept of a perfectly contained ecosystem run and maintained by humans, where everything is sustainable and all waste is no longer pollution, but is recycled back into useful products. It's like one of those cool little EcoSpheres, except bigger and actually societally valuable. I was almost ready to go out and join a CSA by the end.

The third section is on hunting (mostly) and gathering (tangentially; he does gather mushrooms but other plant species are neglected). It's the first account of hunting I'd read written by someone with a similar background to my own, and made me understand why people like something that had previously struck me as barbaric and vaguely distasteful: it's completely thrilling. I can believe Pollan's theory that hunting appeals to something vital and basic to human nature. Reading this chapter definitely changed my opinion about hunting (and hunters) for the better, in addition to teaching me something about the mechanics and skills involved.

Things I liked about the book:
--Well-researched.
--While (like all authors) he does have an agenda, it is not usually so strong as to overpower the narrative. He tries to consider both sides in a fairly balanced way.
--The author is self-aware and honest. In a book like this, which is partly memoir, this is very important.

Things I didn't like:
--He definitely did a lot of research. However, he is basically a journalist, not a scientist or an economist, and sometimes it shows. In particular, he is very weak on following the economic consequences of his recommendations to their logical end (like what would actually happen if the average American spent 20% instead of 10% of their income on food).
--The book is very provincial. There is basically no discussion on any food system beyond those in the US. Because the US in fact has a very unusual food system when considered globally, this is a big weakness. This is typical in American books, but as Pollan tends to speak in global terms, he really needs to expand his horizons a bit.

So will I be changing anything? I am considering. His arguments for buying organic were convincing. I had always dismissed buying organic produce as a waste of money, but I may reconsider now. I may also be buying more humanly produced eggs (though I admit this is mostly just because I am sentimental, not because his argument is really that good). I won't be going hunting (ever) but I am more sympathetic and therefore supportive to people who enjoy it. I still am pro-industrial agriculture, chemical fertilizer and agribusiness though, partly because I feel Pollan is very naive about the alternatives. I would love stricter regulations in these areas, especially from an environmental perspective, but I thought that before reading this book.

Overall, I would strongly recommend The Omnivore's Dilemma to anyone interested in food, nutrition, environmental issues, animal issues, eating, or the modern world.

My Sister Poisoned Me

2011-12-30T14:25:00.000+08:00

I am very allergic to cows' milk.

I wasn't always allergic. I used to eat all kinds of milk products just like any other typical American. In my late twenties, I started to notice that when I ate large amounts of milk (like a yogurt AND cereal with milk for breakfast), my stomach hurt and I would get gastrointestinal problems. Most people in the world are lactose intolerant, so I figured that this was my problem as well. However, taking lactaid didn't seem to help the problem; instead, I became more and more sensitive to milk. I also began developing other symptoms, like swelling, aching muscles, a stuffy nose, allergic shiners (dark circles around the eyes) and so on.

Apparently I have a milk allergy. My grandmother had one, which also developed in her late twenties, so perhaps it's genetic. In any case, it's a really tiresome thing to have. Whenever I ingest any milk, even a small amount, I become sick within a few hours. It feels like having the flu (aches, exhaustion, vomiting, diarrhea) and lasts 1-2 days. The severity of the reaction depends on how much milk I've had, but even a small amount (like from eating baked goods containing butter) is enough to make me miserable. The only thing that helps is vomiting as soon as possible after eating milk, and taking Benadryl (which I hate because it's so sedating).

It's a really troublesome allergy, especially in the US. Milk sneaks into thousands of products: most crackers, whole wheat bread, soups, prepared meat (like salami), desserts, margarine and highly processed foods are out of bounds, in addition to the obvious foods like sour cream, cheese, ice cream, butter, whipped cream, etc. Even red wine can contain casein (which is the part of milk I'm allergic to). Eating out is always really difficult, because so many restaurants make food taste good by cooking everything in butter. I try my very best to be careful, but it's not always possible, especially as most people don't seem to realize that butter and cheese are milk products (I always must ask separate questions about this).

Today I went to my sister's house and she served me a sandwich on homemade bread that her husband made. It contained butter, as we found out after I'd eaten half of it, and now I am puffy (my fingers swell up), gassy, have heartburn and feel nauseous (I took benadryl so hopefully this will be the end of it). Also I look awful as I always get really pale with huge dark circles under my eyes. Stupid milk allergy.

There's Nothing Like Family

2011-12-29T15:26:00.000+08:00

Flying to California from Singapore is really painful, especially with a baby. And it's somewhat stressful to be here, as my parents' house is small and we are all thrown out of our routine. B has trouble getting his work done, I eat all kinds of unhealthy food and feel fat and sick, we both don't get enough exercise, little R has to sleep in a strange environment. I also loathe the cold (I know California is relatively warm, but I am a wimp and miss my tropical climate) and driving everywhere (my parents live in a suburb).

But I am so glad we came, not just because I can see my beloved family every day, though that is wonderful, but because my parents and sister love little R so much. She is the cynosure of every eye, and is constantly doted on and admired. It makes me so happy to see how much they appreciate and value her. They revel in every little accomplishment and idiosyncrasy, and watching their faces as they interact with her gives me a very special and irreplaceable sort of pleasure.

Mommy, I Need You (So I Can Ignore You)

2011-12-28T14:03:00.000+08:00

Little R is definitely very attached to me. She gives me gummy kisses, smiles whenever I appear, and throws her little arms around my neck when I pick her up. But most of the time when we are together, she ignores me.

She will venture off on her various explorations, toddling along at the fastest speed she can manage, bending over to pick up items off the floor and then sticking them in her mouth, or making for the shelves or table to pull off and destroy whatever she can reach. She doesn't usually want to play with me, or cuddle (unless she just injured herself), because she is too busy with her Very Important Tasks. Occasionally she will glance in my direction, to make sure I am there (though this doesn't mean she wants to actually interact with me).

It's only if I am not there that my importance becomes clear: she gets a little bit fussy, her explorations become less daring, and if I am gone too long (all day, for instance), she becomes clingy and anxious. She vocalizes less, is not as physically active, and plays in a more subdued and less creative manner (though she doesn't usually cry or whine that much, as she's pretty easy going).

Little R doesn't need my active physical care as much as she used to. Now she just needs me to be there, in the background and unobtrusive, but ready to appear as required. It's strange to find yourself (always previously the star of the show) recast as the backstage personnel. I imagine this will be a continuing theme through the teenage years and beyond, so I better get used to it!

Haw Par Villa

2011-12-27T12:45:00.000+08:00

Right before we left Singapore for the holidays, I completed one of my 101 in 1001 goals: to visit Haw Par Villa. This is a very strange theme park based around Chinese mythology and folklore, which was built by the founder of Tiger Balm as a pet project (it was on his estate, and he let everyone visit for free).

He had a genius for self-promotion (check out his car!) but also a moralistic interest in educating the public. So the theme park includes a whole section on the Buddhist hells (the decapitated heads mark the entrance to this area), with very detailed depictions of the various punishments. Apparently Singaporean parents used to take their small children here to teach them about what would happen if they were bad.

There is some references to popular works of literature, like Journey to the West...

and depictions of both the virtuous (the man on the turtle got merit for freeing it from its fate as dinner; later it saved him from a shipwreck) and the wicked (the men gambling and fighting).

But I liked the really strange stuff best, like Chinese mermaids and card-playing animals.

My absolute favorite was this elaborate scene of rats, hamsters, and rabbits, perhaps engaged in making war? (or love, it's not clear). I have no idea what it means, if anything, but it was totally awesome.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-26T12:16:00.000+08:00

We woke up at 7 am when little R did, and hung out having coffee while my father made Christmas breakfast. At 10:30 my sister and brother in law came over, and we all opened our stockings, which had oranges, chocolates, gum, and small personalized gifts like a USB drive for B, or a doll for little R. At 11, our family friend BT and my aunt and uncle arrived as well, and the next hour or so were a blur of present opening and breakfast consumption (we had bacon, sausage, eggs, fruit, cookies, coffee, sparkling cider and juice). My mother brought my grandfather over from his nearby care facility (he is demented so she thought the initial craziness would be too stressful for him) at noon, and we all had a good time chatting and watching the two dogs (my sister's and my parents') and little R's antics.

The extended family left around 2, little R went down for a nap, and we all rested in a stupor of over-consumption (though actually the presents weren't that numerous this year, at least compared to usual, as we agreed that each adult would only give to one other adult: we didn't actually abide by this, but it did have an effect). At 3, B and I left to drive to his father's house in Marin (the rest of my immediate family went to see Sherlock Holmes, then out for Chinese food).

We arrived in Marin at 4, where B's father was attempting to prepare dinner (actually he ordered delivery of everything but he still had to put it on plates, which for him is a huge challenge and required lots of assistance from my sister in law and B). We eventually ate (ham, sweet potatoes, root vegetables, wild rice with pecans and figs--what I brought: thanks Whole Foods!, scalloped potatoes, green salad, pie, cookies and ice cream). Of course wine was an important element too (like 5 bottles I think?: welcome to the world of WASPs), though I didn't have much as I was driving. Then we opened presents and the kids played (B's brother has two boys 4 and 5). We left at 7:30.

Little R went to bed once we got back, but B and I stayed up later drinking wine and socializing with my parents. It was a good Christmas.

Using the Neti Pot Will Eat Your Brain

2011-12-25T15:57:00.000+08:00

I feel like I ought to be posting about little R's first Christmas Eve but instead my brain is currently preoccupied with this terrible story.

The Neti Pot is a little gadget used for flushing out your sinuses. However, there is a small chance that tap water can contain the organism Naegleria fowleri. While ingesting it is not a problem (as it's destroyed by your stomach), if it reaches your nose, it can make its way through your nasal passages to your brain, where it literally eats your brain. Within a week of infection, sufferers develop a headache, fever, vomiting, and a stiff neck, followed by confusion, seizures and hallucinations. Within two weeks, 98% of those infected die.

Since the Neti Pot basically puts water directly into your nasal passages, using tap water in it (instead of the recommended sterilized/distilled water) is not a good idea and has killed two people this year.

I am so totally grossed out by this and yet fascinated (brain eating organisms really exist! a zombie movie come alive!). I know what I won't be buying for Christmas!

What Little R Is Getting for Christmas

2011-12-24T13:05:00.000+08:00

I absolutely love reading, and have since I was a toddler. Pretty much every Christmas, books top the list of things I want (this year included).

So naturally I want to introduce little R to the wonders of reading (ie indoctrinate her). Initially she was only interested in books as something to chew on, but over the last month or so she has begun turning the pages, studying the pictures carefully, and listening to the words as we speak them out loud.

I bought her 14 books for Christmas (I went a little overboard: you know it's excessive when your child's doting grandmother tells you not to buy any more!).

All these:

Plus two non-board books: Eloise and Home for a Bunny. She already owns Pat the Bunny, Goodnight Moon, I Am a Bunny, and many others. It is really enough for now, but I do want to buy her more anyway (especially as later I will have to get her toys or something more to her own personal taste instead).

Visiting Union Square

2011-12-23T13:31:00.000+08:00

Yesterday little R and I went to San Francisco's Union Square with my parents. When I was a child, my family used to go there every year to check out the Christmas decorations, shop, and attend a performance of the Nutcracker or A Christmas Carol, so going there with little R was very sentimental.

We took the train to avoid driving/parking, which worked out perfectly. Once we got there, we walked around Union Square admiring all the window displays (the best ones were the adoptable kittens and puppies from the humane society), people watching (lots of Chinese tourists this year!), and checking out the ice skating rink. The best thing in my opinion were the police horses, each wearing a tiny Santa hat.

After we strolled around for a while, we went to get something to eat at Cafe de la Presse, which is a charming French-style cafe/brasserie. According to my parents (who were in Paris in April), it's very authentic. We had a very leisurely meal (partly because the service was slow) and Little R was a dream baby throughout the whole thing. She especially enjoyed my mother's steak. She's really good at going out to eat, maybe because she's done it so often?

I Am Much Smarter than Average

2011-12-22T06:26:00.000+08:00

Just writing the title of this post gives me sort of a sick feeling, not because it isn't true, but because it's one of the things you just don't say. Everyone knows that intelligence is not equally distributed, and that individual differences can be very large, but there is no good way to talk about it. While people are happy to label themselves as much more athletic (or artistic) than average, saying you are smarter than average just sounds totally conceited and weird. This is so even though intelligence can be objectively measured (via standardized tests), and a person's level of intelligence is generally pretty apparent within the first 5 minutes of conversation with them.

I am certainly not the world's most brilliant person, and I've met plenty of people who are smarter than I am. But it's also true that I am more intelligent than most people I meet, and this has been true since I can remember. One of my earlier memories is being 3 or 4, and having the preschool teacher call me over to talk to my dad. She asked, "Grace, what do you call a man whose wife has died?" I answered, "A widower." Then she said to my dad, "You see, this is what I was talking about." He made some off-hand comments about how I had a large vocabulary. The whole interaction disturbed me, because 1. the answer seemed so obvious that I didn't understand why it needed to be discussed and 2. I was being identified as different from others: was there something wrong with me?

As I grew older, I began to realize that what was obvious to me was in fact NOT obvious to most other people. I would use a lot of "big words", because I felt like they expressed my meaning the best, and then other people wouldn't understand me because they didn't know what the words were. Discussing ideas or learning new things was frequently frustrating because other people were so much slower at grasping them.

School was of course extremely easy, which meant that I spent a lot of time being bored. For example, I taught myself how to read when I was 4. But in first grade, when my class was learning phonics, I had to complete all the phonics worksheets too, even though by then I was reading chapter books at home. I didn't really learn anything that year. I think this is one of the reasons I didn't develop good study habits or a solid work ethic until college, because I never had to try (something which seems most undesirable).

Being especially intelligent sounds good: who wouldn't want to be smarter? But actually it's just like being odd/abnormal in any other respect, and brings with it a lot of challenges.

1. You are kind of a freak. I didn't fit in that well with most other children, because our interests, knowledge base and cognitive development level were so different. I often found adults easier to talk to, but I didn't fit in with them either since I was a child.

2. It's lonely. Since most people are not intellectual, they aren't interested in intellectual topics whatsoever (and frequently wouldn't understand them even if they were interested). While you can connect with people on common topics (like personal relationships, or popular hobbies like TV or sports), it's as if large sections of your self must just be ignored (especially because talking about intelligence is so taboo). Maybe it's similar to how closeted people feel? that an essential part of themselves can never be discussed?

3. People can be hostile. Because intelligence is perceived as desirable, if you are obviously smarter than someone, they frequently will resent it (and you), especially if they are insecure. A few of my teachers disliked me for this reason (one of them told my parents I "intimidated" her. I was 8.). This is especially the case as American culture is relatively anti-intellectual.

4. It is not under your control. Being intelligent was never something I chose; it was just a fact about me, like my eye color. I couldn't help learning more quickly or knowing more any more than I could help breathing: it just came naturally. All the strong reactions I got, from impressed awe to hostility, made me feel bad, because they were for something I had no ability to change one way or the other.

In a way, intelligence doesn't mean that much, really. Really smart people aren't nicer, or more virtuous, or happier, or richer, or more successful, because all those qualities depend on other characteristics like one's ability to work hard. Certainly the most important aspects of life, like being a good person, don't have a close connection with one's brainpower. Intelligence is not a moral quality: it's just a resource, like money. It does mean that some things are easier (like problem solving, or getting advanced degrees), but alone it's not enough for anything.

So, knowing what I know, would I want little R to be really intelligent (she is far too little to know one way or the other; differences don't really become apparent until two and a half or so)? The answer is yes.

Being highly intelligent is a little bit like having discovered the Matrix (or having left Plato's Cave for those into classical philosophy). You perceive and understand things that aren't apparent otherwise. Often this is painful (especially because now you no longer see the world in the same way as your companions), but there is something invaluably precious about it. Even though intelligence doesn't make you happy (quite often the opposite, actually), I still wish it for little R. It's a strange thing to realize about myself.

Little R in California

2011-12-21T15:45:00.002+08:00

Little R has discovered a new favorite toy at her grandparents' house: the refrigerator magnets. She will spend up to half an hour experimenting with them (she even tried them on the walls to see if they would stick there).

This picture also shows one of her new outfits. In Singapore, it's about 80 degrees every day, so little R only owned sunsuits. Actually, if you want a coat in Singapore you must go to the travel store (where they sell luggage), as the only reason to own one is if you are going somewhere else.

My mom had fun buying a whole bunch of new clothes, coats and sweaters before we got here. This little fleece onesie is really cute, and seasonally appropriate!

Fitness Backslide

2011-12-20T14:29:00.000+08:00

I was doing pretty well on the weight loss/healthiness front of late. I exercised at least 5 days a week for the last three weeks (which for me is pretty epic as I'm naturally lazy and hate exercising). So I had lost about 6 pounds.

But then I traveled back to the US. Going to my parents' house is always terrible for any weight loss/healthiness attempts. First of all, my father likes to demonstrate his affection for me by buying all my favorite treats (which I then inhale because I have no willpower). Secondly, they are both fairly sedentary (not remarkably, just the typical level for suburban Americans) so I become more sedentary too (and there's no onsite gym here, so it's harder to get exercise). Finally, just living in the US is bad for weight loss. Portions are huge, most food is really caloric (even salads), walking places is generally difficult (there aren't even sidewalks in many locations), and most people are overweight, so being overweight yourself is easy.

I am going to have to make a better effort if I want to get skinnier. So starting now, I will start listing my food consumed again, join a gym (for the time I am here) and start going at least 5 days/week, and start drinking more water. I am also going to stop eating cookies three times a day (oops)!

Life Without B

2011-12-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

Someone asked That Wife a question about what her life would be like if she had never met her husband, which started me thinking on the same topic. What would my life be like if I had never met/dated/married B?

I actually have a really hard time imagining an answer to this question, because B and I met when we were so young (18 and 19) and thus relatively unformed. Perhaps as a result, he's had a tremendously strong influence on my interests, values, life direction and personality. For instance, when I met him I only ate about 30 foods (which did not include pizza, fish, chicken, tomatoes or any cheese except cheddar and string). Now I love food, even reading books about it (I am currently reading The Omnivore's Dilemma), and will eat all kinds of things, including raw squid and goose liver.

I would still love books, learning, history and travel. I would probably still have gone to many other countries, including living in at least one foreign country. However, it probably wouldn't have been Taiwan. It's likely I would still have a MA in museum studies, and work in the nonprofit sector.

I would probably have married someone else, and have at least one child. We would live in the Bay Area near my family, and our child(ren) would probably be in daycare (I would be a working mother), since you have to make a very large salary to afford to be a housewife in that region of the country. We probably wouldn't have such a close connection as a result, because 1. we would both have to work and wouldn't have time to sit around talking for hours on end (one of the benefits of B's flexible schedule) and 2. we would be thrown together less (since we wouldn't be living repeatedly thousands of miles away from all our friends and family). I imagine our marriage would be more of the child-centered feminist variety (where we split all household tasks equally, and are basically interchangeable), since that's what's typical in my social set, and like most spouses in these marriages, we would argue a lot about the division of labor. (We would argue less about how the other person needed to do stuff for us though.)

I would probably be less sophisticated (and less snobby), and marvelously ignorant about economics, math, science, finance, and technology (all topics about which I knew nothing whatsoever before meeting B). I might have learned to cook, but would also be a very limited, picky eater. I would be less daring, less quirky, and less honest. My critical thinking skills would definitely be weaker. I would also probably be more spoiled.

However, I would probably be more trusting (B is very cynical), less full of angst (B and I hype each other up into various states of emotional drama), and less stressed (the lifestyle B prefers is full of stress of various kinds).

On the whole B has enriched my life in all kinds of ways, and I feel I am a far better person for knowing him. I don't actually know if I would like the B-less Grace. When I think back on my 19-year-old self, there are many personality traits/habits which make me cringe. I am glad I have moved beyond that, and developed as a person (even if I still have a really long way to go). I am so grateful to B for helping me with that process.

Little R Is Ten Months Old

2011-12-18T14:48:00.001+08:00

This month was the month of walking. She took her first steps at the beginning of the month, and by now is able to walk maybe 10 feet at a time. She toddles around the house, either using the wall/furniture for balance, or just freestyle, pulling stuff off tables and generally causing havoc. She just learned how to destroy books by tearing out the pages (before she just liked pulling them off the shelf), for instance.

Her other new skills include waving bye-bye (though she's not very good at this), carrying things around the house, drinking from a cup by herself, and finding hidden objects. She is really good at picking small objects up with her finger and thumb, and enjoys putting things in containers (and dumping them out again). Whenever she is given something new, she turns it every which way in her hands, studying every angle, and then sticks it in her mouth for the final test. I love watching her do this: it's darling.

When we first arrived in the US, she was nervous at the new environment and would cry if I left the room. But she got over this in a couple days, and doesn't mind being left with her grandparents at all. She still wants me and only me if she hurts herself or feels overwhelmed though.

She is still an incredibly good-tempered baby, who rarely cries or even fusses. She is almost always in a happy mood, bestowing smiles on her admirers, and easily consoled if things don't go her way.

Nicknames: Fur, ZiZi, Little Gremlin
Temperament: Happy, busy, determined
Things I Could Do Without: Diaper changing is awful. You can't stand losing your precious exploring time, and struggle against almost every diaper change unless you are really tired. (Oddly you don't mind getting dressed.) You are a champion wrestler and surprisingly strong, and this makes every diaper change incredibly inconvenient. If you cooperate, it goes faster, I promise!
Item/Toy We Love the Most: The new books I got you for Christmas.
Item/Toy You Love the Most: The elephant feely.
Things I'm Loving Most Right Now: Your walking skills, reading you stories (you will actually sit through a book sometimes), feeding you (you are the cutest little eater)
Things You're Loving Most Right Now: Walking, destroying stuff, sticking forbidden things in your mouth, exploring in general
Foods You Like: Bananas, blueberries, bread, noodles with tomato sauce, pork dumplings, cooked carrots, peas. You tried ice cream for the first time and liked it (but only when melted, the solid stuff was too cold).
Sounds/Words: Dada, Mama and a huge assortment of blablaga grrgum numnumnumnum yaahh!

(No pictures as I don't have my usual computer due to traveling)

Baby Jet Lag

2011-12-17T16:55:00.000+08:00

It's 12:45 in the morning here, and little R is still whine-complaining in her crib. She went to bed at 7:45 but woke up at 9 and hasn't been asleep since. The last two nights she has only been able to sleep in the bed with me, and even then woke up every hour or so--usually I am very strict about her sleeping in her own bed because I like my own space with just my husband.

In Singapore she was a great sleeper, going to bed at 8 pm like clockwork, and sleeping until 8 am the next morning with maybe one waking. Unfortunately, the time zones here are exactly opposite, and she can't understand why I want her to go to sleep at 2 in the afternoon (according to her internal clock).

Jet lag is always bad, but it's SO MUCH worse when you have a small baby. Also, note to self: do not listen to your mother when she wants you to get the baby up after her bedtime, so that she can get her grandmother fix. You will be the one awake in the middle of the night, and it is NOT worth it.

Lafayette Library

2011-12-16T14:20:00.000+08:00

Today we didn't do much: everyone was recovering from jet lag and exhaustion (Little R woke up every hour until 6 am, when she arose for good: she had to sleep in bed next to me to achieve even this). B left for the East Coast this morning (he'll be gone for a week), and after giving him a ride, I did nothing more ambitious than venture out to the nearest public library in Lafayette.

Contra Costa county has an incredible public library system because they have amazing funding. Most people move here for the school district (it's among the very best in California), so education/library taxes usually pass; in addition, there are a lot of wealthy people here, so private donations are also abundant. The libraries are mostly housed in brand new, beautiful buildings, decorated with lovely original art, and full of books, DVDs, CDs and new computers. The libraries are so nice that they are a popular hang-out spot for teenagers, schoolchildren, retirees, and families (the constant public events, including lectures, concerts and classes, help with this).

I love libraries (because I love reading and books), so it's wonderful to see a library which is such a lovely place and vibrant part of the community. But it makes me sad too, because other libraries (like the ones in poor neighborhoods just over the hill) are run-down, crumbling and full of psychotic homeless people muttering to themselves. The number of books and other resources is far fewer, and due to budget cuts, the library might not even be open. It seems so unfair that even libraries are not evenly distributed.

Thinking of my seatmate yesterday, here's the Bible on the subject: "For whoever has, to him more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has shall be taken away from him." Sad but true.

In California at Last!

2011-12-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

We made it to California! The flight was too long as always: around the 14 hour mark, I always start thinking that it will never end and I will be trapped in this tiny metal box forever.

Little R basically did not sleep (MAYBE 4 hours total, divided up into half hour or hour sections), which means I didn't either. However, she was as good as gold and did not cry once for the entire first leg of the trip (Singapore-Tokyo, about 7 hours). This was partly because we totally scored on seating arrangements and got bulkhead seats, with no one else in the row. This meant we basically had an empty seat and little R could play safely on the floor for long periods of time. Once we arrived in Tokyo, she had fun playing in the child gym there, which was a special room with a heavily padded floor, toys, and a little slide. What a wonderful thing for parents and children! I wish every airport had one.

The second and longer leg (about 11 hours), Tokyo-San Francisco, was not so good. We again were lucky enough to have bulkhead seats (though the leg room was smaller this time), but did not have an empty seat. Instead, our neighbor was a 300+ pound man who was a little too big for his seat. This meant he kept knocking into little R (who was on my lap) frequently. He was also somewhat drunk (came on smelling of alcohol, and drank at least 4 very large glasses of wine), and so wanted to tell me all about his personal issues (he was recently divorced and bitter).

Worst of all, he told us his "passion" was "debating" atheists and agnostics on why they should become Christian. He fancied himself an expert on the historicity of Christianity (which he said he used as a mainstay of his arguments), although from the few things he said I could tell I knew a lot more than he did. When he told us this, it basically kiboshed any desire to talk to him, as being stuck next to a drunk, belligerent Christian bent on conversion for 11 hours is definitely not my idea of a good time. (He also told us he had been evicted from the Mormon Temple in Oakland by the police as a result of one of his "efforts", so I can't imagine the conversation would end well.) Thank goodness he didn't know anything about our (lack of) religious beliefs! We kept a low profile and after a steady diet of monosyllables, he finally went to sleep.

Little R was mostly good on this leg as well at least (though she still didn't sleep), and only fussed a little bit. She reserved her meltdown once we entered the car to drive home. I think she thought yet another journey was just not fair. Eventually we reached home: cheese, beds and space to stretch awaited.

Home for the Holidays

2011-12-13T21:42:00.000+08:00

We are flying to the US tomorrow morning. The flight leaves at 6 am (ugh ugh ugh), which means we must leave our house at 3 am (please shoot me now). And of course it's Delta, the airline that can't. But it was this flight or one with a 8 hour layover in Beijing, so here we are.

I am very apprehensive about the flight. We've made this journey three times now, and each time it was not very fun. There is no way to have a good time on a 18 hour flight in coach with a baby. Also, as little R gets older, it becomes more difficult, because she wants to move around and this is not allowed on a plane. Even if she had her own seat, it wouldn't help much, because then she would have to sit in it.

She is truly walking now, and that is all she wants to do. Once she finds out that she is supposed to sit quietly for many, many hours, while sleep deprived, it is going to be really unpleasant. I wish I could fast forward through the next little portion of life, but as I don't have a magic remote, I will just have to hope for the best.

I am really excited about seeing my family and introducing little R to the magic of Christmas in the US though. I can't wait to buy her a boatload of children's books; take her window shopping in Union Square (she will think the crowds are so interesting); feed her ice cream (she hasn't had it yet) and other delicious treats; and watch her rip wrapping paper on Christmas morning. I will try to focus on the end goal, and not the probably extremely painful process of getting there.

Going on a Date with Myself

2011-12-12T21:26:00.001+08:00

When I wrote before about things I found difficult in motherhood, I left out something: the lack of alone time. I enjoy (most) people, and am not particularly shy or tongue-tied. But I am a classic introvert, and interacting with others makes me very tired, even though it's enjoyable. Often when I come home from a party or meeting, I am totally exhausted and want nothing more than to take a nap, even if I had a great time. Even interacting with B is sometimes too much.

So naturally I am very fond of spending time by myself. I've taken several vacations by myself (and loved it!), and love eating out, exploring new places and just relaxing solo. I can then go at my own pace, and do exactly what I want to do (with other people, compromise is inevitable, no matter how otherwise cool they are).

Having a baby is hard sometimes because since she can never be alone, everywhere I go, she goes. I really enjoy Little R's company, actually, and now that she is older she's even quite fun to eat out with (we went together to lunch at a Japanese restaurant the other day, and it was a blast to sit there with her as we both ate tonkatsu and boiled kabocha). But sometimes I just want to be alone and not have to worry about anyone else.

So today I had a special treat: a babysitter. She came for 4 hours, and while she played with Little R, I took myself on a date. First, I drank some coffee at the hawker centre (the coffee is pretty good here) and read my latest book (Xenophon's Persian Expedition: really good so far). Then I sauntered over to get a pedicure, which lasted an hour and a half and cost $18. It's been about 3 months since I had one and my feet needed some love. Next, I took a taxi to the Botanic Garden, probably my favorite place in Singapore, and took a stroll through the beautiful grounds. Then I went out to lunch at Halia. The set lunch (which I got for cheapness) included foie gras, which I ate before I realized what it was; it was actually quite good and reminded me of tofu. There were some toddlers there (even though main courses cost at least $40/plate), because it's Singapore, and I felt so lucky to be (temporarily) a footloose lady of leisure.

Then I went home to be reunited with darling R, who promptly ruined my pedicure. It's okay though: who could be mad at this baby?

Progress:
--Exercise: None; knees still recovering.
--Diet: Lunch: Spanish ham with walnuts and olive oil, fig, green apple and ginger-infused foie gras salad, bread, Riesling; Snack: 1 packet gummi bears; Dinner: Pork dumplings, boiled spinach with garlic, onion pancake. Drinks: Glass of wine, bubble tea
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water.

Hard Rock Cafe

2011-12-11T22:43:00.001+08:00

Before we came to Singapore, I had never been to a Hard Rock Cafe. This isn't because I didn't have the opportunity (both San Francisco and Los Angeles have branches), but because I am a snob. The restaurant chain struck me as hopelessly tacky and plebeian (sorry anyone who likes it!).

Singapore has not one but FOUR Hard Rock Cafes. I was really surprised by this, because the entire nation is only about five times the size of the rather small city of San Francisco. Who is going to these restaurants to keep them all in business?

Among others, me. B and I went to the one on Sentosa a few months ago when we were staying on the island, because I wanted a burger. Sentosa is Singapore's offshore "entertainment destination", which includes among other things museums, casinos, theme parks, swimming pink dolphins, and places to get the skin on your feet removed by small nibbling fish. Sentosa is so tacky already that the Hard Rock Cafe seemed appropriate. The food was actually quite good, and the cocktails were strong and tasty (though hideously expensive since it's Singapore: my drinks cost more than my food by a good proportion).

Today I visited the one on Orchard Road (the main shopping street here). This was for family reasons (one of my relatives collects Hard Rock pilsner glasses, depressing as that is, and wants one for Christmas). It was full of Western families with children; in fact, they made up the majority of the customers. (Very few Singaporeans were in evidence at all, presumably preferring Asian food.) Apparently the cafes exist here so that expats have somewhere to go where 1. their children will eat and 2. they can get drinks (drinking is a big part of expat culture here, perhaps due to all the British and Australians).

It's kind of ironic that a chain supposedly founded to honor rock and roll (a genre which mainly celebrates sex, drugs, and being a rebel) is now a family friendly destination for the affluent. This amuses me, but not enough to make me like the chain. I don't think I will be returning soon (especially given the awesome food elsewhere).

Progress:
--Exercise: None: fell today and injured my knees :(
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios with soy milk; Lunch: Chicken shwarma; Snack: frappucino, 1 packet gummi bears; Dinner: Pasta with tomato and basil sauce.
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.

Discussing Our Child Is Fascinating

2011-12-10T16:13:00.003+08:00

B and I have discovered an unfailingly pleasing topic of conversation: Little R. We still spend a lot of time on other topics (his research, my opinions on stuff--which are many, as evidenced by the blog, gossip, etc.), just because we spend a lot of time talking during the course of a day, but the glories of Little R are certainly high up on the list. We are both in complete agreement that Little R is the most perfect, cutest, and most brilliant child in the world. It's kind of disgusting actually, because we can easily spend 20 or 30 minutes discussing all of her remarkable and amazing qualities (even though if I was truly objective, she is a fairly normal, average baby).

In other words, we have become THAT couple, doting over their otherwise unremarkable child. (Though at this point I am tempted to argue that Little R is the exception to this cliche: she really is remarkable: just note the traces of genius in tomato baby! ) I love that I have a cooperative husband to do this with, because I find it hard to imagine anyone else would be an enthusiastic participant in these conversations. Instead, at dinner I say, "Look at Little R eating her noodles!" and B responds, "Look how well she puts them away. Little R, you are SO CUTE!" And then we go on to analyze how clever she is to hold the noodles herself.

At least we don't do this in public.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios with soy milk; Lunch: Pork katsu, miso soup, pickled vegetables, shredded cabbage; Snack: frappucino, 2 packets gummi bears; Dinner: Spaghetti bolognese.
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.

I Feel Entitled

2011-12-09T20:30:00.001+08:00

I am very happy with B, but like any married couple we argue from time to time. Sometimes it's over basically insoluble issues (differences in values, for instance), sometimes it's because one or both of us is tired, stressed or grumpy, and thus short-tempered. However, sometimes it's because of personality flaws (usually mine, unfortunately).

One of the benefits of being married is that it provides you with an outside observer to your most intimate behavior, who is thus a witness to every act of selfishness, laziness or dishonesty that you might commit. If you married the right person, they will bring these defects of yours to your attention (in a loving and understanding way, hopefully). While painful, this is the only way to improve as a person, and thus very important. (I do not think that being married is necessary to this process; however, daily intimate contact is.)

While I try to be a good person, I have a large number of weak points (I suppose you might call them besetting sins). I try to work on them (one of this blog's purposes, hopefully), and have made progress in some areas. But it's definitely an uphill battle.

One of my weak points in particular is feeling entitled. I was lucky enough to have very kind, loving and generous parents, who gave me not only everything I needed but everything I wanted as well, if it was practical/possible. Then I was sent to private prep schools, which both provide an excellent education and train students in the culture of the American upper middle class (which among other things, encourage you to feel yourself entitled to everything). And of course I am an American female, which means from an early age I was told that I could do anything I wanted to, and that I deserved everything to work out for me.

As a result of these experiences (or maybe just because of my particular personality), I tend to believe that I am special. I should be able to buy whatever I want, only do work that pleases me, live the lifestyle I want to live, and get my way at all times, because I deserve it! Sometimes this is a helpful attitude, because it means I have confidence in my worthiness to accomplish things, am not easily intimidated, and don't put up with people treating me badly. Sometimes, however, especially in intimate relationships, it means I tend to be selfish, insisting on getting my needs (or wants) met at the expense of others.

B is really great because he doesn't put up with this (his even more intense upper middle class prep school training probably helps him here). I have actually improved my spoiled princess mentality a lot since I met him. However, I still have a long way to go. Being a mother is definitely not compatible with being a spoiled WASP princess, so now with little R I have even more of an incentive to improve. I do wonder sometimes how to make her feel unconditionally loved and supported, and that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to, without also endowing her with a similar conundrum.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour yoga.
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios with soy milk; Lunch: Chicken and rice in tomato sauce, with bread and olive oil; Snack: frappucino; Dinner: Murtabak (pancake stuffed with minced mutton, egg and onion) with curry sauce.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.

Christmas Traditions

2011-12-08T22:59:00.001+08:00

I love Christmas, and now that I have a child I am especially excited about it, because it's my chance to enlist others into my enthusiasm. Also, it gives me a good excuse to do fun stuff like make gingerbread houses because "it's for the kid". Children are very useful as a excuse generator, at least when they're little. (Buying toys--especially stuffed animals which I love--would fall into this category.)

Little R is too small to participate in any traditions right now (except tearing wrapping paper off stuff: ripping paper is one of her most favorite activities, as my bookshelf can testify). But I have been thinking of what things I'd like to do with her (and as a family) in the near future.

Things I want to do:
1. Get a (real) Christmas tree; decorate said tree together. This was always a precious tradition in my childhood, following a precise script: drive to tree lot; run around terribly excited until we found the perfect tree; drive home with tree, singing Christmas carols; soak tree outside in water; put up tree the next day; decorate with lights; hang ornaments; admire lit tree while eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. I want to do the exact same thing.

2. Buy a new ornament for each family member every year. For the first couple years, I will select little R's ornament; after that, she will do it (though I might give her a budget). I love looking at my old ornaments and seeing how my taste changed over time.

3. Make gingerbread houses together; also, make and decorate sugar cookies (or possibly other types of cookies; however, this would involve me learning to cook.)

4. Have everyone buy gifts for one another, including little R once she's 4 or so (I will provide the funding and advice).

5. Advent calendars all December.

6. Having a elaborate Christmas celebration on Christmas morning, including: opening stockings (must have an orange at the bottom); special Christmas breakfast (including eggs, sausage, fruit, sparkling cider); excessive amounts of chocolate; and presents appearing under the tree overnight.

7. Getting new matching pyjamas for the family as a Christmas present (and wearing them after the morning excitement is over).

8. Playing games together in the afternoon, followed by a Christmas movie (A Christmas Story is a particular favorite of mine). After this we all collapse in bed, exhausted from celebrating.

There should probably be some sort of service-oriented tradition in there, like buying gifts for the needy, but I am not sure what would be best.

Things we won't be doing:

1. Anything religious. B and I are both atheists, so that won't work. I realize Christmas is a religious holiday in origin, but by this point it's so thoroughly secularized in many respects that I don't feel conflicted about celebrating it. Also, its origins are partially pagan Roman (Saturnalia!), and since I love ancient Rome, how could I give it a miss?

2. Santa as a real person. I think the legend of Santa and the various traditions surrounding it are really fun; however, I don't want to lie to little R. And I don't think explaining to her that Santa is not real, but that we imagine that there is such a person as a pretend game, is confusing. Little children love fantasy and play. I spent large portions of my childhood pretending to be a fairy princess, even though I knew there weren't really 1. fairies or 2. princesses (at least in the US).

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: steamed tortillas with eggs and tomato; Lunch: Chicken cacciatore; Dinner: Onion pancake, pork dumplings and green beans in garlic. Dessert: Mint chocolate sticks, packet of gummy bears. Drinks: Bubble tea, iced cafe latte.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water.

Toys for Little R

2011-12-07T22:58:00.001+08:00

I keep buying toys for little R. She has about 15? stuffed animals, a play mirror, a shape sorter, magnetic stacking animal blocks, several rattles, several chew toys (the kind with water inside that you can freeze, not the dog kind), two sets of nesting cups, balls, one of those pop-up animal contraptions (you push a button and an animal appears), bath toys, two cars, baby gym and so on. (She also has stupid Sophie the giraffe, which she finds utterly dull: boy that was a waste of $25!)

She hates all of them. Sometimes, with effort, I can briefly interest her in one of the toys (but generally only if we are playing together). Most of the time she prefers to roam the apartment and find her own "toys". Popular items include books (she loves pulling them off the shelf), pots and pans, tupperware, plastic cups, baskets, carrots and empty plastic bottles. Her absolute favorite thing is power cords, but I am a mean mother and inevitably take them away whenever she tries to play with them. But she carefully watches for opportunities, and whenever my back is turned she will make right for the cell phone charger cord or something similar.

I also thought she should have a lovey. So I bought her a very pricey, organic, eco-friendly stuffed rabbit (first picture). She doesn't like this either. Instead, her most beloved object is a cheap blanket made of nasty rayon with a decapitated elephant head in the middle (second picture but without the rattle). She looovvves this elephant and falls asleep clutching it every night; sometimes during the day she will even get it out of her crib and carry it around the house with her.

Obviously I am just wasting money on her toys, since we don't seem to have the same taste at all. But I am going to keep buying them anyway, because I enjoy it. Maybe someday I will select something she actually likes, and then I will feel very accomplished.

Progress:
--Exercise: None (a little sick today).
--Diet: Lunch: BLT with small mixed green salad side; 2.5 meringues; Dinner: Fried rice with spicy pork sauce, topped with an egg. Dessert: Mint chocolate sticks, packet of gummy bears. Drinks: Cranberry juice.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water.

My Husband Is Really Cheap

2011-12-06T15:35:00.001+08:00

B and I have very different attitudes about money. Basically, I enjoy spending money: I like shopping, I like going out to eat and ordering too much, I like getting Frappucinos all the time. I don't usually overspend, but I will spend everything I've got (this is why I need a budget).

B, on the other hand, hates spending money. Left to his own devices, he could easily live on a few dollars a day. When we were in a long distance relationship, and he lived in LA by himself, he chose to:
1. rent a corner of someone's living room, where he slept on a blow-up mattress on the floor (he had standing screens but no door or real walls); and
2. eat either pancakes or cans of beans for pretty much every meal. He would make a large batch of banana pancakes in the morning, put them in a plastic bag, and then eat them throughout the day as his sole diet. His classmates called him Pancake Boy (of course B didn't care as he is more or less completely impervious to other people's opinions). He didn't even buy butter for the pancakes unless it was on sale. Occasionally for a treat he would go get hamburgers at the discount burger hut (cheaper than McDonalds!), where all the homeless people ate.
He also biked everywhere, to avoid paying bus fare. He loved this lifestyle and was so pleased with himself for figuring out how to eat for about $2/day. (Sometimes he still misses it, but I don't want to eat the pancake diet.)

Partly this is probably a relic of how we were raised. My parents didn't have much money, but protected me from all financial worries. I always had lots of toys, food and clothes. Even though B's family had more money, B's father had to declare bankruptcy (as a result of his mother's severe medical problems), which was extremely stressful and shameful for the family (B was instructed to keep it a secret from everyone, including his friends, for example).

Unsurprisingly, we used to fight about money/spending ALL the time. In fact, perhaps our first severe fight was over a pot of jam. I wanted to buy the fancy imported jam; B wanted to buy the off-brand discount version. Cue huge fight culminating in B stomping off and leaving me on the street corner in a strange city as I wept dramatically from self-pity (he came back about 10 minutes later so I wasn't actually abandoned). However, over time we both compromised: B learned to stop being so spending adverse (some things are worth a little extra), and I stopped being so wasteful (like ordering three drinks--Sprite, juice and tea, for instance--at lunch and then not finishing any of them). I also learned how to comparison shop and budget (thanks B!). We haven't fought about money for years now.

Spending money still makes B anxious though. That's why I do all the shopping (including for stuff like his clothes), and why we have some odd lacunae in our lives. For instance, we slept on a mattress on the floor until we moved to Singapore and didn't own a TV, DVD player, toaster or blender. I didn't care enough about these things to advocate for them.

Progress:
--Exercise: Gym for an hour.
--Diet: Lunch: Focaccia with goat cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar; Dinner: Tortillas with pork and tomato hash, lettuce and tomato. Drinks: Frappuncino.
--Other: Didn't drink 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.

Merry Tacky Christmas

2011-12-05T21:37:00.001+08:00

It's officially the Christmas season (I am a stickler and firm that Christmas should not be mentioned/celebrated until December 1st). I love Christmas even though I'm not religious: the tree, the pretty lights and decorations, the "spirit of giving", popcorn, carols, holiday chocolate...

We are going back to the US for the holidays (leaving in 9 days actually), and will be there until January 9th, so the bulk of the season and little R's first Christmas/New Year will be at my parents' house. I am very happy about this, not only because I love my family and would feel really sad to be away from them at this time of year, but also because Christmas in Singapore is pretty lame.

They do actually celebrate Christmas here: it's even a public holiday. There are Christmas decorations up everywhere, and carols play in most stores. However, Christmas here is basically a holiday commemorating shopping and materialism (very important values/activities in Singapore, so in a way it makes sense they need a holiday for them). People in the US complain about the holiday's commercialization there, but obviously they haven't been to Singapore and seen the real thing in action.

Perhaps because Christmas is completely divorced from its "deeper" meaning, it is also incredibly tacky. The photos are of typical Christmas decorations (in this case, at our local mall) and make my eyes hurt just looking at them. It's really difficult to get non-tacky decorations, actually (although they are available at a steep markup for the expats).

I gave up and bought a fake tree (pine trees are at a premium at the equator) and silver tinsel for the first time ever. My self of a year ago would have been appalled and made many snide comments. Maybe it's a good thing though, since in general I could afford to be a little bit more broad-minded.

Progress:
--Exercise: Went for a walk in the Botanic Garden (maybe 1 hour? fairly slow pace though).
--Diet: Breakfast: Focaccia with goat cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar; Lunch: Focaccia with goat cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar; Dinner: Pork xiaolongbao (a kind of dumpling), boiled green bean and pea salad with garlic (yum!), vegan peanut butter cookie. Drinks: bubble tea, calamansi juice (a kind of citrus fruit from SE Asia), and Sprite.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water.

Hiking the Southern Ridges

2011-12-04T22:32:00.001+08:00

We went hiking on the Southern Ridges trail this morning, which is a series of smaller trails linking several national parks together. We spent about 3 or 4 hours hiking, which is a good length by my book (long enough to get exercise, not so long you are dying of exhaustion).

Many of the linkages are by cool bridges like the Henderson Waves, so that hikers don't have to go up and down a lot of hills. Since it's Singapore, everything was very well-maintained and extremely clean. It was also almost empty, even though today was Sunday (most Singaporeans work on Saturdays, so Sunday is the big family togetherness/outing day), because most Singaporeans (like Chinese people in general) hate exercise and the outdoors. Almost certainly they were all at the mall having iced drinks.

Even though it's December, the temperature was in the 80s; but since it's monsoon season it was not too sunny (luckily it didn't actually rain until around 4 pm, well after we had gone home). Little R thoroughly enjoyed herself: she loves experiencing new things. It's so interesting to watch her reactions to everything. Seeing her discover dry leaves on the ground, or marvel at the clouds in the sky, really gives me a new appreciation for the world around me.

Progress:
--Exercise: 3.5 hours hiking.
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios in soy milk with dried cranberries; Lunch: Bread with goat cheese, olive oil and balsamic vinegar; Dinner: Spaghetti Bolongese and Minestrone Soup; Snack: Frappucino.
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino.

Should I Learn to Cook?

2011-12-03T20:43:00.001+08:00

So I can't cook. AT ALL. This is what I can do in the kitchen: scramble eggs. boil pasta. make tomato sauce. toss a salad. Also, I can make coffee. I have occasionally ventured on more ambitious projects (I have made noodle soup before, for instance, which means boiling pasta in chicken broth and adding some carrots), but usually they don't turn out well (like the infamous incident in which I attempted to make pesto but misunderstood B's directions of 1-2 cloves of garlic for 1-2 heads of garlic because I didn't know what a clove was).

This has never bothered me, because my mother (and sister) can't cook either. My dad always made all the food (baked his own bread, homemade applesauce/chili/peanut butter etc.) and B is also a really good cook. However, now that I'm a housewife, while B works 12+ hour days on a regular basis, it seems sort of ridiculous that I can't cook (since honestly cooking dinner usually takes B at least an hour).

I asked B what he thought. He said that our marriage was equivalent to a small company, and so I should focus on acquiring skills which the company lacked. Since he already knows how to cook, he thought it was inefficient for me to learn as well. Rather, I should focus on something like Korean (so I could translate data for him). This is what you get when you ask an economist something.

But I am not so sure, especially since little R needs to be fed all the time now (she eats 3 meals a day at this point). I worry that I am not feeding her a proper diet (ie enough fruits and vegetables). Also, honestly it would help my weight loss efforts if I ate a better diet (steering away from bread and mayo meals). And B usually only has time to cook dinner.

So I am considering trying to learn how to cook (at least simple vegetable dishes, no need to get fancy). However, it's pretty daunting and I have no idea where/how to start. I wish I lived in Chicago so I could join That Wife's cooking club!

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour at the gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Vegetable (cabbage and mushroom) buns; Lunch: Bread with goat cheese, olive oil and tomato; Dinner: Tortillas with pork and tomato mash, lettuce and tomato; Snack: Frappucino.
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino.

Motherhood Fail

2011-12-02T21:34:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I think I have this motherhood thing down. Little R is healthy, growing like a weed, eats solid food like a champion, and (usually) sleeps like an angel for about 15 hours/day. She's "very advanced" in all her milestones per the pediatrician and almost always in a happy, cheerful mood. But when I start congratulating myself on my parenting awesomeness, something like today happens and I am reminded that she's doing well due to luck rather than anything I did.

Ever since little R learned to crawl, she has absolutely hated having her diapers changed because it requires her to stay still in a prone position, and she has other plans for her time. Whenever I rediaper her, she struggles and keeps flipping herself over into a sitting position, and then I have to flip her back. Today right before naptime was no exception, and so after I gave her a new diaper, she flipped herself up to sit on the changing table yet again.

I let her sit there for a moment, and bent to put the dirty diaper in the Diaper Genie. It was full, so I thought I would change the bag. As I removed the full bag and began to tie it off (I was next to the changing table with one eye on little R, who was still sitting on the changing table, playing with a clean diaper), it occurred to me that my hands were full, and if she decided to move, that would be VERY BAD.

Of course at that very moment she suddenly leaned far forward (still sitting) and fell headfirst off the changing table. She did a somersault in the air (I can see it in my mind's eye: OMG so absolutely terrifying), and landed on the wood floor (no carpeting in her room). It was lucky that she somersaulted, because it meant that she landed on her bottom instead of her head.

She cried bitterly for about 5 minutes, and after that was fine, not even a bruise. I thought she might be traumatized, but the next time I changed her she also tried to leap off the table: apparently the experience was not unpleasant enough to alter her behavior.

I was traumatized though: the thought that she could have easily been seriously injured due to my carelessness makes me feel sick. The minimum standard of good parenting is to protect your child from serious, avoidable harm, and today I did not meet it. Ugh. In a way I suppose it's a good reminder to: 1. be humble about your parenting prowess (since it's probably not much, especially if you are a first-time mother like me) and 2. be careful with your precious, fragile baby!!

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour at the gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Banana pancakes with peanut butter and jam; Lunch: Breaded pork cutlet and rice; Dinner: A banana pancake with peanut butter and jam. (Not a very sterling eating day, unfortunately: I need to start eating vegetables!!!)
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water.

Marijuana: A Cure for Drunk Driving?

2011-12-01T20:57:00.001+08:00

In the latest research on marijuana use:

To date, 16 states have passed medical marijuana laws, yet very little is known about their effects. Using state-level data, we examine the relationship between medical marijuana laws and a variety of outcomes. Legalization of medical marijuana is associated with increased use of marijuana among adults, but not among minors. In addition, legalization is associated with a nearly 9 percent decrease in traffic fatalities, most likely to due to its impact on alcohol consumption. Our estimates provide strong evidence that marijuana and alcohol are substitutes.

Source: "Medical Marijuana Laws, Traffic Fatalities, and Alcohol Consumption" from IZA Discussion Paper No. 6112 November 2011

This really isn't a surprise to me at all. The main reason to do drugs (assuming you aren't an addict) is that you want a break from your current mental state, whether it's to relieve stress, have fun, or just experience something different.

There is considerable evidence that humans enjoy altered states of consciousness and seek them out for their own sake, though the methods used differ (running, fasting, drug use, sleep deprivation, traveling, mediation, and listening to music being just a few). In other words, alcohol and marijuana do basically the same thing for their users: it's not surprising that they are interchangable (though it's a pity marijuana isn't legal as its negative side effects are fewer). (Just a disclaimer: I prefer alcohol to marijuana so this is more of a theoretical opinion.)

Progress:
--Exercise: 30 min. walking.
--Diet: Breakfast: Toast with peanut butter and jam; bread with mayonnaise; Snack: Frappucino, packet of gummy bears; Dinner: Pasta with tomato bacon sauce; Drinks: Chocolate soy milk
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino consumed.

Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs and Wear Cows

2011-11-30T23:11:00.001+08:00

I just finished reading Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs and Wear Cows by Melanie Joy. I selected this book as I thought it would be an interesting exploration of the social and cultural processes behind what we choose to eat. This topic is especially pertinent to me as someone living in Asia, because the attitudes about food are very different here. In fact, one reason I chose this book was because of the cover, featuring a friendly golden retriever. In Shanghai, a restaurant two blocks from our apartment also featured a large picture of a smiling golden retriever, but this one was to advertise the sort of food available!

Unfortunately the book was a great disappointment. Rather than exploring cultural attitudes about food, it turned out to be a vegetarian tract, full of logically unsound arguments, half-truths, and misleading information for the purposes of conversion. Factory farming is an important yet little publicized industry, and the book was best when the author stuck to the facts of how the industry operates. But she constantly interspersed these facts with meaningless statements like "We can safely say our democracy has become a meatocracy", weakening her credibility considerably.

The book was also largely inaccurate. For example, the author seemed to think that if more people knew that animals suffer, or are individuals with personalities, then they wouldn't eat them. This is not true: for most of human history, farm animals were named, raised, tenderly cared for (in general, livestock would have been a farmer's most valuable possession), slaughtered and eaten by the same people. My grandfather (a farm boy) had a beloved pet pig named Weaker (it was the runt). He bottle fed him, taught him tricks, and spent many afternoons with him. In the end, Weaker was slaughtered and served up for dinner. My grandfather always ended the story of Weaker with "And he tasted very good". Also, while most people don't know much about factory farming, we all know that meat is a result of death and suffering (because all death involves some suffering, even euthanasia). This doesn't stop people from eating meat either.

In sum, I do not recommend this book to any but committed vegetarians who want to feel smug/confirmed in their life choices. However, I am still interested in both factory farming and cultural attitudes about food, so I will keep looking for something more suitable.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Lunch: Pork dumplings, onion pancake, frappucino; Snack: the rest of the pork dumplings (there were 10 total); Dinner: Tofu and green bean salad (yum!), cold boiled kongxincai (I'm not sure what the name is in English), pork dumplings, vegan peanut cookie; Drinks: Bubble tea
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino consumed.

The View from My Window

2011-11-29T21:17:00.001+08:00

Our apartment overlooks the Pacific Ocean and the offshore islands of Jurong and Pulau Bukom. That sounds really idyllic until you realize that Jurong and Bukom are the site of Exxon and Shell's oil refinery operations. Singapore, despite having no natural resources whatsoever, is one of the world's top three oil refining centers and the biggest in Asia.

It seems strange to locate your oil refinery on an island, but it's actually a brilliant idea. Because space is so precious in Singapore, large sections of the islands are landfill, created in the last decade or two. If Shell wanted to expand its operations in the middle of Singapore (say in the suburbs somewhere), it would be out of luck; but on an island, they can just make more land. Also, being on an island helps with security (both islands are open only to personnel with the appropriate ID and patrolled by the Singapore Army). Finally, oil refineries have a nasty habit of catching on fire (as happened in Singapore only a few months ago); if it's on an island and surrounded by water, damage is contained and the hazard is greatly reduced.

I don't mind our view of industry at work at all. I actually think that industrial-size modern operations are fascinating (probably B's influence since he's an economist who studies factories), and love having a peek into the processes that make modern society possible. Also, oil refinery pollution=great sunsets!

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Focaccia with mayonnaise (I love this but I know everyone else thinks plain mayo is foul; in my defense I can't eat butter so it's a good substitute); Lunch: Taro buns; Snack: blueberry dark chocolate bar; Dinner: Pasta with tomato and bacon sauce; Drinks: Coffee with soy milk
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water.

Banana Baby

2011-11-28T21:51:00.001+08:00

Lately little R has been eating like a champion. She started on solids at 6 months, but for a long time "eating" meant tasting food and then throwing on the floor (or smearing it all over herself). Now she will attack her food with great gusto and concentration, and if it's something she likes, most of it will end up in her mouth. (In fact, that's one way to tell if she enjoys the taste: the floor referendum.)

Her absolute favorite food at the moment is bananas. When she sees one, she gets very excited and waves her arms up and down while saying "Mmm! Mmm!" We usually give her baby bananas from the Philippines (they are about half the size of the typical American banana), and she can eat an entire one in a minute or two. Then she will often demand more, pounding her hands on her high chair tray.

Today she ate 4. I think she would have been happy to eat more, but I was concerned that eating so many bananas would make her sick (or give her diarrhea since they are full of fiber), and cut off her supply. I am not sure if this is paranoia, or if I should just go with it and let her turn into a monkey.

Durr I keep forgetting this:
Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Guava and focaccia with jam (NB: not a good combo); Lunch: Vegetarian sandwich (tofu, onions and tomato sauce) and a peppermint frappucino; Snack: 1.5 bananas, one packet gummi bears; Dinner: Homemade tomato sauce and pasta
--Other: Had a frappucino; drank over 8 glasses water.

Monkeys in the Parks

2011-11-27T21:06:00.001+08:00

One of the cool things about Singapore is that, because it's in the tropics, the animal and plant life is very different here from what I had been used to. In the larger public parks, you can frequently see wild monkeys (Long tailed macaques), which are native to Singapore. They are not at all afraid of humans; in fact, the reverse is true and it is unwise to go to the park with food, as the monkeys may attack you for it. As long as you don't have food, they will not bother you and nonchalantly saunter by to collect fruit or Fritos (depending on their available resources of trees and garbage cans).

They seem to be thriving despite all the changes in their environment: every monkey troop I've seen (they live in large groups of 20 or so) had a very large number of baby monkeys, with almost every female carrying one. The baby monkeys are especially cute, but it looks very inconvenient for the mother monkey, who must haul such a heavy burden everywhere. I wanted to start a charity to give all the monkeys little carriers (since I like mine so much), to help them on their travels.

I Miss Taiwan

2011-11-26T22:37:00.001+08:00

Many years ago B and I moved to Taiwan (back in 2003). At that time, we knew basically nothing about Chinese culture, the Chinese language, or Taiwan. In fact, I was quite confident that language wouldn't be a problem because "everyone speaks English there!" (Hahahahahaha: so dumb)

We moved there for an adventure, based on the fact that it was supposedly easy to get English teaching jobs there and the pay was good. We knew no one there (and actually moved without any job either). Once we got there, I cried every day for the first two months because it was so strange and I couldn't communicate with anyone or even read the street signs (which were of course in Chinese). We spent hours wandering around looking for food, because we couldn't read any of the menus and were frightened of ordering at random (since they eat some weird stuff there like gelatinous duck's blood on a stick). The only reason we didn't return home is because I am really stubborn.

But slowly we got accustomed to our new country. We both found jobs (the rumors about the pay and the ease of finding work were true) and got an apartment. We began learning Mandarin and learning about Taiwanese and Chinese culture. I took calligraphy classes and B learned how to play mah jong and drink tea properly. Our apartment overlooked a national park, and we used to go hiking in it often (B went every day for a long while), viewing flying squirrels, wild monkeys, and birds that I thought only existed in pictures. We were able to travel all over the island and see many beautiful places, and to venture further into southeast Asia (Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand).

It was also a life-changing experience. B became fluent in Mandarin and discovered a great interest in China, which shaped his study in grad school, his career path, and is the reason we are now in Singapore. We were introduced to an entirely new culture, religion, and way of thinking, which had profound effects on our values and world view. It was sort of an introduction to the broader world.

In the end, we stayed for two years rather than one and were sorry to leave, although it was time (we both left to go to graduate school). Sometimes I still think of Taiwan fondly, and would love to go back someday: to eat the great food (B thinks it's the best in Asia), visit the vibrant temples and night markets, and go hiking in the beautiful parks.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Kix with soy milk and golden raisins; Lunch/dinner: Hamburger on foccacia with lettuce and tomato; butter lettuce salad; Snack: gummy bears; Drinks: cranberry juice
--Other: Did not drink enough water

My Best Baby

2011-11-25T21:21:00.000+08:00

Little R is so precious and sweet. Whenever I feel sad or discouraged, I can just look at her bright little face and feel so much better. I tell her every day she is the best, most perfect baby, and that is truly what I think. I love you, darling girl.

Things to Be Grateful For

2011-11-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

It's Thanksgiving, a holiday I like because it's all about family, food, and being thankful for what you have. I often focus on the negatives in my life, either because I am trying to change them, or because I rather enjoy feeling sorry for myself. And I tend to take all the blessings in my life for granted (maybe because I have a little bit of an entitled princess complex), feeling that it's just the way things should be. Of course I deserve happiness, chocolate, everything I want to buy and good weather!

But the truth is, everyone, including me, is only a hair's breadth away from disaster, and the world is unfair: good people suffer terribly every day. Furthermore, no one is entitled to anything; in fact, if good things were actually dispensed by merit then very very few people would ever have anything nice at all (since most of us, including me, are irretrievably flawed). Every moment of happiness and good fortune is a wonderful if unmerited gift.

With that in mind, I want to try to appreciate all the wondrous things I have been given, even though I don't deserve them. This year, I am especially grateful for:

--my darling B. He is kind, patient, hard working, brave, trustworthy, and supports me in everything. He makes me think, challenges me when I am wrong, and is always affectionate and considerate.

--Little R. I only met her 9 months ago, but it feels like I've known her forever. She is happy, enthusiastic, healthy, and everything (and more!) I ever wanted. I never imagined a baby could be so perfect.

--my family. They have always supported me in everything (even when I do things like move their only grandchild halfway around the world) and are unfailingly loving and kind. My parents are the kind of people I aspire to be, moral, upright, honest, tolerant of others, and caring, who do all kinds of things for others and never ask for credit.

--good health. In the past, we've all had our troubles (back surgeries, possible kidney cancer, kidney stones, appendictis, prostate cancer, hysterectomy, crippling foot injury, seizures, etc.). I am so happy that for the moment, everyone is healthy and well.

--having enough money. I've been really poor and it is terrible, a constant grinding worry. While money doesn't make you happy, it is so nice to have enough that you don't have to stress about how you will pay bills, afford medical care, or buy groceries. I am so grateful that we have enough to have a nice life, and that I can afford to stay at home with little R (rather than being forced to send her off to substandard daycare, or go on welfare: my two options as a poor person).

--my opportunities. I could have easily been born as a Cambodian peasant girl, and ended up in a brothel at the age of 7. Instead, I was born in one of the richest countries in the world, to parents who constantly sacrificed for me so that I could travel, receive a great education, and make my own decisions about how I wanted my life to be. I live in an age of technology, which means I can control my fertility, receive excellent medical care, and experience the world without leaving my living room. I've always had enough to eat, been surrounded by those who love me, and never experienced anything truly horrible like death, rape, war or sudden violence. As a white middle class American, I have more freedom than any other group of women in history.

I have been given so much, and am so fortunate. Thank you universe for your generosity.

Having a High Maintenance Husband

2011-11-23T21:18:00.001+08:00

I love B a lot, and while we do have our issues we are in general each other's best friend and supporter. However, being married to B is definitely a lot of work.

I don't mean this in the sense of the trope "marriage is hard work", meaning that getting along with your spouse can be a constant struggle (a concept I don't agree with).

I mean it literally: he needs/wants a lot of help from me, which consumes hours of my time. For example, I do all house chores except cooking (including all maintenance, shopping, bill paying); I keep track of all his obligations and remind him about them; I buy all his clothes and take him to get his hair cut; read and edit all of his drafts, papers and presentations, and so forth. In addition, B hates emailing (or communicating with people in general) and yet must constantly email people for work. So he saves up his emails over the course of the day, and then I must sit with him while he answers them, as moral support. There are many more tasks like this: the above are just a sampling.

Partly this is because we have a very clear/strict division of labor. So I don't just not cook, I don't know how to cook anything whatsoever. We never trade off cooking meals: either B cooks them or we go out. Similarly, B never does laundry (he doesn't actually know how the machine works, as I discovered a few weeks ago). I prefer it this way, because then 1. I never have to worry about the stuff which is B's responsibility and 2. we never fight about whose turn it is to do anything, or how to do it. However, it does mean that we are more dependent on each other (since if B isn't here then I am going to be eating cereal for dinner).

However, this division of responsibility extends beyond chores. I have put B in charge of large areas of my life, and he's done the same. For example, I rarely exercise unless he tells me to: because I've decided to put him in charge of me being healthy. I even blame him if I didn't exercise: "You didn't help me, so of course I didn't!" B frequently won't do his research (or emailing) unless I help him do it, under the same premise. Whenever I have goals, I expect B to work almost as hard as I do in helping me meet them (just a supportive attitude is not good enough), and he feels exactly the same way: entitled to (indefinite hours of) my labor. As a result, we are always putting very high demands on the other person.

It's my impression that most couples aren't like this: if someone needs to go see the doctor, or do something at work, they just do it themselves like a regular adult (rather than expecting their spouse to take care of them as if they were a child, as we do). Sometimes I worry that we are co-dependent and ought to do things differently. But it's hard to imagine being that independent, detached couple, and in a way I don't want to. To me, being so involved with each other's endeavors feels supportive and cozy. Both of us frequently feel overwhelmed or worried that we can't do things; having the other person as an assistant/backup really gives confidence.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour yoga.
--Diet: Breakfast: Focaccia with olive oil and vinegar; Lunch: BLT and two raspberry meringues; Snack: half a chocolate meringue (little R ate the other half: she was a fan); Dinner: Vegetarian sausage and rice; Drinks: bubble tea, cranberry juice, glass of wine
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water!!!

Don't Have Children Close in Age

2011-11-22T21:18:00.001+08:00

I try to make as many of my important life decisions as possible based on the available scientific research. So, for example, one major reason I got married (beyond that my mother told me too :) ) was that married people are happier, richer, healthier, and have better sex lives.

Of course I try to make all my parenting decisions based on the same principle (though this is a lot more challenging because the research is often unclear).

Since I will probably want a second child, I was interested to read this paper on the spacing of births. I already knew that having a large family is a bad idea if you want quality children, but apparently having children too close in age (less than two years) also reduces academic achievement for the older child (presumably because parental investment is reduced, making them stupider). There are other bad effects of close spacing as well, including three times the risk of autism (for the second child), an increased risk of miscarriage/stillbirth/low birth weight, lower reading scores, and lower high school/college completion.

Although I didn't want closely spaced children before, this seals it: little R won't be getting a sibling until she's at least two and a half.

Progress:
--Exercise: Gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Oatmeal with raspberry jam topping; Lunch: Peanut butter and jam sandwich; Dinner: Baked eggs and tomatoes, with noodles; Drinks: Frappucino, cocktail
--Other: did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino consumed

Weight Loss Failure

2011-11-21T14:40:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling discouraged with myself today, because over the last week I really lost momentum on my weight loss/healthy living efforts. I hadn't exercised in 4 days, I had a frappucino today AND yesterday, I've been eating badly, etc. So unsurprisingly I haven't lost any weight or gained any physical fitness.

I always have a long list of things to improve about myself, sort of ongoing personal improvement projects. While in a way this is good, because I am trying to better myself, I tend to be very self-critical. When I slack off for whatever reason, instead of doing the correct thing (which is just simply recommitting to my goals with renewed vigor), I beat myself up instead and decide that there's no point in trying further, since I have failed already. Obviously this is the best way to assure failure, but rationality is not my strong point when upset.

HOWEVER, (as part of additional self-improvement) I will not give into my internal demons of bad advice. Instead I will listen to the good angel on my shoulder and reapply myself to the positive changes I need to make. To that end, I went to the gym today (even though B had to practically shove me out the door: thanks sweetie!). Also: recommitting to my list of goals.

Progress:
--Exercise: Gym plus 30 minutes+ of walking.
--Diet: Breakfast: Focaccia with olive oil and vinegar; Lunch: Tonkatsu (breaded Japanese style pork) with sides of shredded cabbage, miso soup and rice; Snack: Goat cheese sandwich on focaccia; also some of R's cheerios; Dinner: 4.5 steamed pork dumplings and a side of cooked lettuce with garlic (Chinese style); Drinks: bubble tea, cocktail, chocolate soy milk, frappucino
--Other: did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino consumed

Life After Birth, Kate Figes

2011-11-20T14:50:00.000+08:00

I just finished reading Life after Birth, by Kate Figes.

This is the first book I have read which gives a honest, thorough overview of the emotional and psychological changes which occur after the birth of your first child. While other books do say things like "you may experience depression", this book gets into WHY. The descriptions of issues or changes that may arise in a mother's personal relationships (with the father, her parents or friends) are also very good.

The book is a little bit dark (as in, it covers every possible negative outcome that could occur), so the average woman will only experience some of the problems listed. But I think it's better to be informed: then you can congratulate yourself on having missed out on some stressors, rather than feeling inadequate because everything wasn't perfect.

The book was written by a working mother, which means that the coverage on issues arising from working while having small children (especially on guilt and work-life balance) is excellent. However, the discussion on non-working mothers is short and not particularly informative: for example, the changes in the division of household responsibilities after the baby comes are described, but problems for the SAHM like a loss of social status, loss of personal time, and possible future ramifications (like a permanent drop in employability) are not really mentioned. I like the author's advocacy for working mothers, and her sensitive discussion about the issues involved. However, the downsides to children of a working mother (in particular, in the first year or so) are not mentioned; the cost to the mother (including poorer health, more marital stress and an increased risk of depression for the first year) is not mentioned either. I think this section would have benefited from some objectivity (perhaps a SAHM collaborator for this chapter?).

Overall, however, it was a very interesting and well-researched book, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I would highly recommend it to every first-time mother and will be buying it for my sister, who is going to start trying for her first child in a month or two.

Singapore's OCD Rate Highest in the World

2011-11-19T15:44:00.000+08:00

Singapore recently conducted a mental health survey, to measure the overall prevalence of psychiatric disorders. Some of the most common problems are depression, bipolar disorder, and alcoholism: no surprises there. All of these disorders occur at lower rates in Singapore than in the US, which is typical for Asian countries.

But the big surprise (and hilarious to me) was that Singapore has an extremely high level of people suffering from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): a lifetime prevalence rate of 3% (meaning 3% will develop it at some point in their lifetime). This doesn't sound that high, but when you compare it to the global rates of OCD, it is by far the highest in the world. Global rates are around 1-2%, and in the US it's a little over 2%.

Given what I've observed about Singaporean culture, this is not at all surprising. Since the causes of OCD are not clear (whether it's a genetic disorder, triggered by environmental stress, or something else), it's hard to say WHY so many Singaporeans have OCD. (I would guess that the intensely competitive environment children spend their formative years in has something to do with it.) But the high prevalence of people with OCD is very obvious, even in everyday life.

Little R Takes Her First Step!!

2011-11-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

Little R took her very first step today. She was standing up in the kitchen, holding onto the open refrigerator door, and wanted to go closer to look at the contents. So she considered for a moment, and then took two toddling steps, reaching her goal. I was so excited to see her go and immediately told B (he was cooking, so his back was to her and he didn't see it personally).

I suppose she will be actually walking before too long (I walked at 9 months so she must take after me). I am so excited for the day when she can go on walks with me, not just in the stroller. Once she is really walking, I will probably regret the days when she could only crawl, because her potential for trouble will be so much increased. But at the moment I don't care about that; I am just so pleased at her accomplishment.

Right now I am very proud of her. She's been working so hard at standing, and all her practice is paying off. Congratulations, my darling!

Making Financial Progress

2011-11-17T21:38:00.000+08:00

I crossed two things off my 101 in 1001 list today. One was minor (adding everyone's birthdays to Google calendar) and one more major: paying off all our credit cards!!

I am especially excited about this because I hate being in debt, and yet since we moved to Singapore, we have been. It was unavoidable because we had a LOT of expenses (the moving costs alone were thousands of dollars) and had very little savings (being students is not a good way to build up a money cushion). Now that we are all paid up (including our tickets to the US for this Christmas), we can actually start saving money, so that we'll never have to charge living expenses again. This is especially important as we might move internationally relatively soon (within the next few years), and there is no way anything will have gotten cheaper. I feel like I am finally making a little bit of progress!

Little R Is Nine Months Old

2011-11-16T21:18:00.001+08:00

Little R has turned nine months old, and has now officially been outside the womb longer than in! Nine months seems like such a milestone: she's three quarters of a year now. I am actually feeling very emotional about it: she is growing up so quickly, and while it's wonderful to see this new little person, I simultaneously miss the tiny baby she used to be. It's strange to think that baby is gone forever, never to return. I really need to take more pictures!!

She didn't do anything startling this month, just built on her skills. So she is better at crawling, standing unassisted, and moving around in general. She also loves "talking" and will hold long conversations of babble with herself or me, for minutes at a time. It almost sounds like speech, although the only real words she has are Dada and Mama (though she seems to understand no, come here, and her name/nicknames).

She is definitely more trouble now that she can move: she learned how to open drawers (and rifle through the contents), and loves nothing more than pulling everything off shelves/out of cabinets, and then leaving it all over the floor. She is more bold now, and will venture into other rooms unaccompanied (=on her own) to make a mess there. Childproofing has assumed a new importance.

She still likes me to be around at all times, but isn't fussing so much anymore if I am not there: she seems more comfortable hanging out with her babysitters or father, and doesn't cry sadly when I leave her line of sight unless she's feeling tired or vulnerable.

She had a lot of first experiences this month: her first trip to Malaysia and Indonesia, her first swim in the ocean, her first boat ride, first illness, first concert, and many new foods. She is a champion eater now, up to three meals a day (usually), and actually eating significant quantities, not just throwing it on the floor. She likes almost everything except spicy food. She had a bad reaction to either curry or papaya, but other than that, there have been no problems.

Nicknames: Fur, ZiZi
Temperament: Happy, active, interested in everything
Things I Could Do Without: You have decided you hate your changing table and will not lie still while I change your diaper or clothes. Instead you try (and often succeed!) to roll over, sit up, pull things out of the side baskets, and attempt to make a getaway. I hate constantly having to wrestle with you, especially when you are covered in poop. Giving you toys only helps slightly (you have things to do, no time to waste on changing diapers!).
Item/Toy We Love the Most: Your stackable rings toy, or your little plastic cars.
Item/Toy You Love the Most: Your elephant lovey, which you fall asleep clutching every night (I think it's a little gross and creepy because the elephant has a head but no body; but you love it). You also love our cell phones and the noodle pot, which you bang to make a tremendous noise.
Things I'm Loving Most Right Now: Seeing you crawl (it's adorable!), when you drop stuff and crane your neck to look for it, the way you smile with your whole face and wave your arms up and down when you're excited
Things You're Loving Most Right Now: Crawling everywhere, opening drawers and pulling stuff out, pulling things off the shelves, eating
Foods You Like: Tomatoes, noodles, rice, pork, chicken, carrots, tofu, Cheerios, bananas, cabbage...pretty much everything
Sounds/Words: Dada, Mama

Getting Back Into Reading

2011-11-15T15:42:00.001+08:00

I have always loved books. Even before I could read, one of my favorite things to do was look at picture books. I learned how to read (taught myself) when I was four. I can still remember looking at one of my children's books as usual, when suddenly the words came together and made sense. It was incredibly magical. I read the whole book through and understood every word except one (it was Friendship, which was a little long for me). I told my mother but she didn't believe me until I proved it to her by reading the cereal box label (I suppose because I was rather young).

Since then, I have never been without my beloved books, even when traveling or living in foreign, non-English-speaking countries. In 2002, I started recording the books I read (although there have been some gaps in there), and have averaged at least 150 books a year. Some of these were sort of trashy or "light reading" (like lots of Agatha Christie) but for the most part I try to read either serious nonfiction (history and psychology are my favorites) or serious literature.

Sadly, when we left the US in July I stopped reading. I read nothing at all for three months! And in September, I read only two books (both of which were parenting books: I am of course interested in parenting but because I have many other interests, I don't want to become someone who only thinks of herself as a mom). I think the move was so stressful that I just couldn't focus well enough to finish anything. This makes me sad, because reading is such an important part of my life and self-image, and because it makes me happy.

Now I am starting to read again (part of my self-improvement quest), and have completed three books so far this month. I plan to continue reading until I'm up to at least 10 for the month (which is sort of my minimum self-imposed standard).

Weight Loss Progress (for yesterday, since today isn't over):
--Exercise: 1 hour at the gym
--Diet: Breakfast: taro buns; Lunch: ham sandwich; Dinner: pasta with tomato sauce (homemade). I need to eat more vegetables. Drinks: two glasses lime juice, a frappucino.
--Other: Drank probably 6 glasses water: this goal is really hard for me. One frappucino: it's hard to give them up as it's a little indulgence which improves my mood whenever I'm feeling stressed, even though they are bad for me (my cigarette equivalent perhaps?). I think I'm not going to focus on it right now though since there are so many other things to worry about.

Feeling Like a Cockroach

2011-11-14T09:29:00.001+08:00

I struggled with depression for years. Oddly enough, since I got pregnant, and in particular since I gave birth, my moods have markedly improved. In particular, my lows are no longer as low, and last for a much shorter time. However, I still do get very sad/gloomy from time to time, and when feeling this way will spin down into the vortex of low self-esteem, self-hatred and constant internal berating (the depressed Grace voice is incredibly mean and abusive to the other parts of Grace). In the last couple days, I have been feeling pretty down for a variety of reasons, partly because I am not feeling perfectly well, partly because it's being raining a lot, partly because I can't control my temper well.

When I am really sad, I will say that I feel like a cockroach, and in my more down moments will claim to be a cockroach, channeling poor Gregor Samsa I suppose. B pointed out today that indeed I actually transform myself: I start dressing sloppily in dark colors (black or dark brown) and don't regularly groom myself; stop cleaning the house, which means it quickly becomes a pigsty and uncomfortable to be in; stop eating regular meals, preferring to eat Oreos or bread covered with just mayonnaise at odd times and in odd places (ie not at the table); and darken the house by not turning on lights or opening shades (in general I love light and keep the house as bright as possible). The natural endpoint to this is me in bed, overweight and bloated, surrounded by crumbs and junk food packages, dressed in dirty black sweats, in a dark and filthy environment: in fact, as close to a cockroach as a human can get.

It is interesting I go through this mini-transformation, because it's as if I feel compelled to physically act out my internal feelings. The good thing about it is that B can always tell how my emotional state is doing: wearing all black is a bad sign, and when combined with a large pile of dirty dishes, he knows there is trouble. So he provided me with some psychological assistance (in moments like these, it's very handy that both his parents were mental health professionals), and now the house is clean and I am wearing bright blue.

Singaporeans Are a Little Bit Crazy

2011-11-13T16:37:00.002+08:00

Singapore is a very nice place to live: clean, safe, pretty, with excellent public transportation, schools, parks and roads. And Singaporeans are very nice people: and quite polite, remarkable for a largely Chinese population (Chinese people individually tend to be incredibly thoughtful/generous/kind, but in groups, or with strangers, it's a whole other story. Beware the old ladies in particular!)

But Singaporeans also tend to be a little bit crazy: obsessed with rules, order and the "right" way to do things. It becomes very rigid, and slides over into virulent, rage-filled ranting surprisingly frequently. I think many people are full of suppressed rage and frustration, and these emotions find a target when venting about popular bete noires like immigrants, criminals, litterers, bankrupts, and the like.

Here's a video against people who park their bikes incorrectly.

Here's the accompanying text:

An inconsiderate bicycle owner is such a Major Turn-Off. The mother of 2 young girls sure is a Very BAD role model for her children.

The Courtesy Campaign (or Kindness Movement) have been going on for some 30 years, but still, many Singaporeans, natives or otherwise, choose to continue with their INconsiderate and UNkind ways towards others.
Is "public education" and "public awareness" totally ineffective if these movements do not come with imposed FINES coupled with effective enforcement by the police & community, and with some embarrassment (Hint: CWO) thrown into the mix?

The strangest thing to me about this (besides that the maker is carefully showing us their address, presumably so that the Internet audience can go stalk them or write nasty letters) is that the bike is actually NOT in the way of anything, being very tidily tucked away. It amuses me very much that the author is calling for more punishment (Singaporeans are big on this, especially in the form of fines, which tend to be quite high: $500 for possession of chewing gum, up to $2000 for jaywalking, etc.).

Singapore is a strange place.

Blah Sick Again

2011-11-11T21:52:00.003+08:00

After my brief illness last week, I have been on the mend. But this morning I woke up feeling incredibly tired and cruddy. I went back to bed at 8:30 while B watched little R, and slept until 9:15. That didn't help. Then little R went to an early nap at 9:30, and I returned to bed and sleep until 11:30 when she woke up. That didn't help either. At 3, she had another 1.5 hour nap, and so did I, and yet I still felt exhausted.

Once B got home at 6:45, I passed little R off to him and retired to bed while he made dinner (although actually it wasn't very restful, as little R had other ideas about what my activities ought to be, and kept trying to come visit me). She went to sleep at 8:15 to my great relief.

Hopefully I will be better tomorrow. I just hate being sick: then I fall behind in everything, the house looks terrible (B tries his best but is more or less incapable of all household chores except cooking), little R is whiny because her attention is less than usual, and B feels sad and neglected. There are no sick days when you are a housewife.

At least I have chocolate as B went out to the store to procure me some. He is a very nice husband!

Daily Schedule: Little R at 8 Months

2011-11-10T22:29:00.004+08:00

Since I did this the last time, little R has grown tremendously. She's now mobile, which is a big shift, but life is a lot easier now (especially the sleeping part). This day is typical when we don't have something special going on (travel, playgroup, visitors...).

Results:
Meals: 6 milk feeds, 3 solid meals
Sleep: 3 hours nap, 12 hours at night
Diapers: 7 changes, 2 poopy
Chores (cleaning and other): 3 hours
Exercise: 1 hour

8:00 am: I go in to see Little R and she’s already awake and standing up in her crib. She greets me with a delighted shriek and a smile.

8-8:25 am: I nurse little R and change her diaper.

8:25 am: Little R and I go in to wake up B; he tells us to come back in 10 minutes (Grace snooze alarm) so we go out to the kitchen and I make him coffee while Little R crawls around.

8:40 am: Wake up B again; while he gets up I get dressed and ready; Little R explores the bedroom and bathroom.

9:00 am: I am ready and B is awake; we all go to the living room where he sips his coffee and looks at the internet. I supervise and play with little R as she explores the apartment and gets into everything. Sometimes I can read or surf the net too, but today she doesn’t feel like playing quietly by herself.

9:30 am: B leaves while I make breakfast for little R and me. Today it’s scrambled eggs and Cheerios. We sit at the table together to eat.

9:50 am: Little R is done eating. I wipe her off (not too messy today) and then call my parents on Skype.

10:15 am: We had a nice chat and they got to see little R and hear about her latest baby things. Now little R is tired and ready for her nap.

10:15-10:30 am: I change her diaper, nurse her and put her down to sleep with her lovey (an elephant blanket).

10:30-11:20 am: I have free time so I look at the internet.

11:20 am: B comes back and we chat.

11:45 am: I do some house chores: dishes, fold laundry, put in a new load; B works on the computer.

12:00 pm: Little R wakes up. I nurse her and change her diaper (poopy). Then we read a story together until she gets bored.

12:30 pm: I pack little R’s bag. She plays (with her toys for a change) while B finishes up some emails. I help him with some logistical stuff (including buying our tickets to the US for Christmas). Also I change Little R’s diaper again.

1:10 pm: We all go out for lunch to the local hawker centre. Little R eats some sweet and sour fish, cooked spinach, and rice.

2:00 pm: B and I go to the five and dime to get some wall hooks and other stuff. Then R and I drop him off at a coffeehouse to work, while we head home for R’s nap.

2:30 pm: Little R and I arrive home. She is tired and fussing, so I change her clothes and diaper, nurse her, and put her into bed.

2:45 pm: Little R’s second nap. I do various chores now (hanging up things, emails, another load of laundry, more childproofing, scheduling air conditioner appt, plane reservation stuff, correspondence with book vendors for B’s research etc.).

4:15 pm: Little R wakes up. I go fetch her and she is delighted to see me as always. I nurse her and change her diaper (poopy) as she attempts to roll off the changing table. Sitting still for diaper changes is not in her scheme of life: I hate having to pin down a wriggling baby covered in poop though (my least favorite part of the day).

4:40 pm: Little R investigates things while I get ready to go for a little walk.

4:45 pm: We’re off for a stroll.

5:20 pm: After dropping off the dry cleaning and seeing the outside world, we’re back home.

5:20-6:00 pm: More chores: laundry, phone calls, tidying, etc. As I go from room to room, little R follows me “helping” with everything. I sing and talk to her to keep her amused.

6:00-6:20 pm: I am very tired and rest on the couch while little R plays with her toys nearby: she’s not a bit tired!

6:20 pm: I start dinner: chicken and ham noodle soup. Little R plays with the pots and pans while I cook.

6:45 pm: B comes home and plays with little R while I finish cooking.

7:00 pm: We eat dinner together. Little R likes noodles pretty well.

7:30 pm: Dinner’s finished and it’s time for little R’s bath. B gives it to her while I read the NY Times.

7:45 pm: Little R is clean and changed. It’s time for bed so once B gives her to me, I nurse her and put her down for the night.

8:00 pm: Little R is in bed. I get changed into my gym clothes.

8:15 pm: Off to the gym; I work out for an hour.

9:20 pm: Back home, I take a shower. B goes off to work some more.

9:30-10:00 pm: Final house chores: cleaning up after dinner, dishes, final load of laundry, final tidy (so house looks nice in the morning before little R messes it up), ironing.

10:00 pm: All done for the day, I pour myself some cranberry juice and vodka and relax: blogging, internet surfing and a little reading.

12:00 am: B is home, we chat and get ready for bed. We are in bed and asleep by 1 am.

Little R sometimes sleeps through the night, but more often wakes up once (usually) or twice (rarely), generally after 3 am. She always eats and goes right back to sleep.

Oh, almost forgot this:
Weight Loss Progress:
--Exercise: One hour at gym; walked over 30 min.
--Diet: Breakfast: eggs and Cheerios; Lunch: sweet and sour fish, spinach and rice; Dinner: chicken noodle soup; Drinks: bubble tea, a frappucino, half a bottle of Coke, a cocktail.
--Other: Still didn't drink enough water; had a frappucino.

Becoming a Better Person

2011-11-09T20:52:00.004+08:00

Today I feel really tired. B has been very depressed lately, partly because he quit smoking about a month ago, and partly because he has a great many work-related responsibilities, and is not satisfied with his progress on them. In his job there aren't clear expectations or tasks that must be completed; rather, pretty much everything must be defined and pursued independently. This aids both excessive procrastination (nothing must be done immediately) and angst (since when there aren't any boundaries, it means you should always be working)

We haven't yet reached a stable point in Singapore where we are both satisfied with the tenor of our existence and have found a happy routine. So everything feels like a work in progress: B has a huge to do list and self improvements to make, and so do I. At the same time, I promised to help him with his to do list (since after all I am not working).

I think most of the changes we've decided to make are really positive and necessary, and we will be both happier and better people once we've done it. But I also feel a little overwhelmed, because at times I feel like caring for little R and keeping myself and the house in some semblance of order is just about as much as I want to handle. (I realize this is rather wussy, as most other people have jobs, multiple children or other responsibilities, and seem to manage a lot more than that.)

Some of the changes we've committed to:
-regular exercise (almost every day if possible) for both of us
-finishing all household settling projects (getting a printer, completely child proofing, hanging up all decorations for example)
-more productive activity (for B, this includes getting papers finished/published; for me, this includes reading (books, not the internet) more and studying my languages)
-creating a budget, tracking all our spending, and being more frugal
-having a daily/weekly routine which works for both of us (instead of creating everything from scratch constantly)
-fighting bad habits (for B, quitting smoking among other things; for me, ceasing to yell/start fights as a way to deal with general life stress, among other things)

My hope is that if we make a little progress each day, and don't get discouraged, then it will soon add up and we'll be in a better position.

Weight Loss Progress:
--Exercise: Will do yoga video tonight, as soon as I finish posting (I did in fact do the whole hour!). Did not walk for 30 min (didn't have time today).
--Diet: breakfast was half a baguette with olive oil and vinegar; Lunch: a whopper from Burger King and a small fries (bad choice: I was really pressed for time but still not good); Dinner: Pork dumpling soup; cooked water spinach (or morning glory? it's hard to tell the difference); cold tofu salad; Dessert: gummi bears (also a bad choice, they were stale and not very good); Snack: some bread with mayonnaise. Drinks: bubble tea, a cocktail. Not a good eating day: it's hard for me to feed myself when B isn't around. I should learn to cook.
--Other: Drank water but not enough: work on this; no frappucino but did have dessert.

TWLC2 Redux

2011-11-08T20:18:00.002+08:00

I decided to join a weight loss challenge last month. I even made a list of goals to meet to help me with the challenge. However, so far I haven't done anything. I have a good excuse: the weight loss challenge started on the 15th, but my father in law arrived on the 14th (and stayed until the 1st). It was impossible for me to make any progress while he was here because I needed all my willpower to refrain from strangling him, meaning there was none left over for fitness habits. Then everyone was sick for the following week.

However, now that we are all on the mend, I am recommitting. I will list progress on my goals daily at the end of each blog post.

Progress:
--Exercise: Yesterday I went to the gym for 30 minutes (sad but a start), and today went for an hour. I also walked for 30 min. (to the grocery store and back).
--Diet: Breakfast: Plate of pasta with ham and tomato sauce; Lunch: a curry bun and a char siew (a sort of meat paste) bun; Dinner: Romaine lettuce with avocado, cucumbers and red onions, with a papaya vinaigrette, with some French bread; Snack: chocolate bar (100 g); Drinks: two glasses juice, one glass bubble tea
--Other: definitely did not drink 8 glasses water; no frappucino but did have dessert

Sexual Attitudes in Singapore

2011-11-07T10:51:00.005+08:00

Singaporeans are very puritanical. This is strange because prostitution is legal here (and they import large numbers of "entertainers" for that purpose). In fact, there is somewhere referred to as "Four Floors of Whores". They don't have a strong religious prohibition against premarital sex or other "deviant" forms of sexual behavior either (since there isn't a dominant religion here; in fact, 17% have no religion whatsoever).

Nonetheless, standards of sexual morality are pretty high. It is uncommon to see displays of public affection (and a photo of a couple having a passionate kiss garnered a huge number of negative comments when published in the newspaper recently). Nudity is also not acceptable. Abercrombie and Fitch (the clothes company that always uses half naked men to sell their products) had an advertisement on Orchard Road (the main shopping district). It was removed after a citizens' group protested that it was immodest (and think of the children!!!). Having children out of wedlock is very disapproved of, and uncommon. Homosexuality is actually illegal (although this is not really enforced). And of course maids (and other migrant workers) are not supposed to have sex, let alone reproduce.

I think this sign is funny because it refers to sexual harassment as "outrage of modesty", which is a common phrase here (one objection to the kissing couple was that a schoolgirl was in the same train car: what an outrage to modesty!). I have not noticed that groping is a problem here (at least not like Japan!), although since I usually am carrying a baby I am not the proper demographic.

And...She's Off!

2011-11-06T11:11:00.003+08:00

Little R learned how to crawl about 3 weeks ago. Now she is an expert at it, and can crawl for long distances remarkably quickly. I was anxious about her becoming mobile, because it means her potential for causing havoc is exponentially higher. In fact, this is true: but I don't mind because it makes me so happy to see her pride and excitement in her new ability. It was so frustrating for her not to be able to move before; now anything she wants, she can get, and if she wants to go to another room, she goes.

She definitely dislikes being alone, so she will follow me from room to room like a little dog as I move about the apartment on my chores. It's really cute. Or she will pop her head into the kitchen to check on my status, then go back to playing in the hall. (I removed all the dangerous/non baby safe items from the house so that she can wander around freely.)

She loves using her new freedom to make a mess, which luckily I still find charming (probably because she hasn't been doing it for very long). It's really cute to watch her busily working at pulling all the books or decorative items off the shelf because she's so serious about it.

Now I'm Sick

2011-11-05T21:54:00.003+08:00

All this week I have been congratulating myself on my good constitution. But today I woke up ill and spent most of the day in bed (luckily it was a Saturday so B was home and could look after little R; he made me homemade minestrone soup too). Ugh, I hate being sick, partly because it intrinsically is awful, and partly because it conflicts with my view of myself (that I am superwoman and amazingly tough, who can do anything!!).

I have decided that tomorrow I will be all better. Hopefully my mental powers will somehow overpower the bacteria/virus and this will indeed be the case. Until then I will just feel sorry for myself.

Care Package

2011-11-04T20:13:00.002+08:00

I just received a care package from my beloved father. It contained: two boxes of vegan cookies (I'm allergic to milk so that's the only kind I can eat); a book about children's psychological development (with inscription "I bought this not because I thought you needed it, but because it sounded interesting"); a stuffed frog for little R; two of little R's outfits I accidentally left in California; and a bag of halloween candy (with my very favorite mellocream pumpkins: man I love those!).

One package of the vegan cookies had been opened and came with this little note: We Regret to inform you that a Cookie Tax was levied. (My dad loves cookies too.) He cracks me up!

I really miss him and my mother. This is the worst part about living in Singapore. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing them again in December!

Little R's First Illness

2011-11-03T11:25:00.000+08:00

The day that we returned from Bali, B developed a bad cold and has been sick ever since (he has just started to recover). Not surprisingly, little R got the cold too and has been sick for the last two days, especially yesterday. It is the first time she has been ill since she was born (unless you count her jaundice, which was over in a couple days), and it is so sad to see her rubbing her little stuffy nose.

She's had a mild fever and is generally a bit lethargic; even her toys aren't as fun as usual. Mostly she wants me to hold her constantly, which means I can't really get anything done. She also doesn't sleep well: she woke up every hour or two last night, crying sadly. It must be very confusing to experience being sick for the first time: I wonder what she makes of it. I hope she gets better soon, both for her own sake and mine (I miss my cheerful and low maintenance baby!). She seems better today, so hopefully by the weekend will be back to her old self. I hope B will be too, as when sick he takes prizes in immense self-pity (especially when he is not actually that sick and thus has the energy to feel sorry for himself). I am just crossing my fingers that I don't get sick too!

Finally Home!!!

2011-10-31T13:09:00.002+08:00

We got back to Singapore early this morning (it was a 6:20 am flight so we had to leave our hotel at 3 in the morning: so painful), after a week in Bali, and three days before that in Malaysia. I will be recapping the trip over the next few days, once I have some free time (ie little R is in bed sleeping). Basically we saw and experienced many amazing sights and ate some great food. Highlights: swimming at sunset on the perfect tropical beach; live performances of Balinese dance; and hiking through rice paddies in the idyllic Balinese countryside. The downside was that much of the trip took place in the company of B's father, who drove me completely up the wall. I even lost my temper and yelled at him (after he implied that little R was a burden who was ruining his ideal vacation); oddly, his behavior improved afterwards, perhaps because he didn't want to antagonize me further. Chronicling his ridiculousness will be satisfying in a sick sort of way (as in real life there is no way to deal with it except endurance).

Both B and I are so glad to be home, with just the three of us in our little family. I think little R is too; she actually really enjoyed traveling, especially swimming in the ocean and attending gamelan concerts. But of course it's also stressful for her to miss naps, stay up late, sleep in strange places and be held by many different strangers (she is extremely popular and SE Asians have a different attitude about interacting with strangers' babies than Americans).

I am looking forward to settling back down to my routine, and to a period of not traveling (at least until mid-December, when we go back to the US for Christmas). It will be the calmest things have been since we moved to Singapore in July, surprisingly enough!

Bali, Indonesia: Day 7

2011-10-30T22:16:00.002+08:00

Bali's highest point, Mount Agung
Worshippers cleansing their sins
memorial service underway: gamelan orchestra playing on the left
On our last day in Bali, we rented a taxi for the day (this cost about $30, but we could have done it for less; but my father in law wanted to do the negotiating even though B is much better at that sort of thing).

We drove into the interior of the island, where we saw various temples, Bali's biggest mountain (an active volcano), terraced rice paddies, holy trees and the "Moon of Pejeng", the largest single cast bronze drum in the world, which dates from 300 BC and is kept in a little village's temple as a holy relic. Little R had to nap in the car, which was a bit exhausting for her, but she was a trooper.

In the evening we went out to dinner at a different fancy restaurant serving European (Italian) food. It was delicious, but the best thing was the free babysitting: little R hung out with the waitstaff for almost the entire (long) meal. I am lucky that she is so good tempered with strangers (though it helped she was in the same room as us, she gets nervous if she can't see me). We went to bed early as B and I had to get up at 3 am in order to make our early flight.

Bali, Indonesia: Day 6

2011-10-29T12:39:00.002+08:00

Little R with another admirer: Balinese peasant this time
Rice paddies
Balinese temple
Temple offerings
In the morning, we went to another museum, the Museum Neka. This one included paintings from foreigners who moved to Bali and had a great influence on the development of art here. Again, it was in a really beautiful setting (modeled after traditional Balinese architecture, meaning many separate pavilions in a landscaped garden).

In the afternoon, little R, B and I went for a walk through the countryside around Ubud, which is still mostly rice paddies and small villages (although these now all sell things for the tourist trade like wooden statuettes). It was very beautiful and relaxing. My father in law went shopping for some souvenirs (he bought a painting): a win-win as I don't really like shopping for stuff, especially with a baby in tow.

We met my father in law for dinner and went back to Bridges again, which he loved even more now that he wasn't sulking. We had a very lavish multiple course meal, with many alcoholic drinks ordered, and it cost about $100 for three people: certainly a bargain as the restaurant is very fancy (the kind where they put your napkin in your lap for you). Little R behaved like a dream baby: she has really started to enjoy eating now, and loves almost everything she's given (she doesn't like spicy food and will cry if she eats it: I think it burns her tongue).

Bali, Indonesia: Day 5

2011-10-28T12:00:00.002+08:00

Street scene in Ubud; the white decorations are for a wedding
Little R at the museum
Witch eating a baby
The Barong is here; everyone's happy
In the morning, we woke up to find a note on our door from B's father, which said something like "Due to the nature of our interaction yesterday, it would be better if we spent more time apart. Best, XXX". He is so strange and childish: why not just talk to us like a normal person?

However, I don't like fighting, so I wrote him a nice note saying I was sorry for yelling and I hoped that we could make up and be friends again (although if he wanted to have more flexibility than is possible with a baby of course that was totally fine). We left it on his door, not knowing where he was, and left for the Museum Puri Lukisan, which covers the history of Balinese art in the 20th century, and the influence of western artists and art on its development. It's in a beautiful setting, and the art was actually very good. Apparently, Bali, and Ubud in particular, is famous for its painting. After a light lunch at a coffeehouse (they grow coffee in Bali, so of course B had to try it), we returned to the hotel.

While I watched little R nap, B found his father and patched things up (he had gotten my note). Naturally he didn't admit any wrongdoing whatsoever, or apologize, but at least there wasn't conflict anymore. After little R woke up, we all met, I apologized in person (since I was sorry for losing my temper, even if he is a douche), and we arranged to meet for dinner. Then B, little R and I went off to Ubud and explored the town some more, seeing some more temples and visiting some of the (many) shops.

We went to dinner at Bridges, which is a fancy (European) restaurant set right on a cliffside overlooking a river. It was a truly beautiful setting, and the food was great (with a huge wine list for B's father's benefit). He came half an hour late (highly annoying as amusing a baby for 30 minutes with no food and nothing to do, at a place where she mustn't make noise, is really sucky), as a last expression of his bile, but became cheerful over his wine, and we all went to a dance performance together.

It was a barong dance (a barong is a mythological creature who defends against evil monsters), and featured the barong fighting a wicked baby-eating witch, sorceresses doing magical rites in a graveyard, and men stabbing themselves with knives. It was pretty awesome (and little R absolutely loved it).

Bali, Indonesia: Day 4

2011-10-27T20:20:00.001+08:00

Around 11 am, we checked out of the hotel and took a taxi to our next destination, Ubud, which is the cultural and artistic capital of Bali. I was glad to be leaving Jimbaran, because our hotel there was far away from everything, and to go anywhere, even the beach or a restaurant, we had to take a shuttle bus or taxi. I love walking in new places, and since I constantly had to return to the hotel for little R's naps, a bad location was highly inconvenient.

But our new hotel was far worse, being out in the middle of nowhere, and with no shuttle; instead, we had to pay the hotel an exorbitant fee and then take a 15 minute car ride whenever we wanted to go out. It was also an older hotel (maybe 10 years old), which means it was falling apart, being cheaply built of concrete and not maintained. The lampshades were cracked, the floor was stained, and the water pipes broke while we were there, leaving us without running water for about 24 hours; when they fixed it, the water came out in a strange purple color due to mud contamination. Poor little R had to stay dirty and sweaty as a result.

All of this was frustrating because it was expensive (around $300/night), and because B's dad (who picked the hotel) was in denial about it all. He kept saying that it must have been a converted palace (even though it was obviously an all-concrete construction). This is because he lives in a constant state of delusion and is literally unable to hear anything that conflicts with his preferred belief (in this case, that he hadn't picked a ripoff hotel). For example, he is convinced that B likes grilled chicken, and will often order it for him, saying "I know how much you like chicken". The truth is that B does not like chicken at all. He has told his father this dozens of times, but because B's father likes chicken, he can never recall these conversations.

However, he isn't actually crazy, and thus was aware on some level that the hotel was bad. This made him grumpy. Once we'd checked it, he wanted to go to town, but it was time for little R's nap, so B and I couldn't go. He was annoyed, and told us that he was planning on doing more things by himself, not on baby time (which was fine! I would have loved more time apart). But then he went further and talked about how little R was a "burden", and "he'd done his time" (not true, BTW, he was an extremely inattentive father), and how she was "negatively impacting" his trip.

I was furious, because even though of course it's true that babies are burdensome, who says stuff like that to their mothers?? Especially if it's your grandchild. I didn't say anything immediately, but about 30 minutes later he said something to me, and I just lost it. I asked him how he could say something so insensitive and rude to me, and told him that he'd really hurt my feelings. He (of course) denied everything, and said he meant little R was a burden to me, not him (even though the conversation had just happened). What a douche. At this point B attempted to intervene, but it quickly became apparent that 1. his father wasn't going to apologize or do anything else conciliatory, and 2. I was going to argue with him about his perception of reality. So B told his dad to leave, because it would be better for us to be apart. He wouldn't, so B, little R and I left, and didn't see my father in law until the next day.

Luckily B was not at all upset with me, so we thought no more about his father after the initial conversation, and had a great time wandering around Ubud. We visited several temples, ate a delicious lunch at a Vespa-themed Indonesian restaurant (with the usual free "babysitting" service), got drinks at a nice cafe overlooking the rice paddies, and then walked to the Monkey Temple park, where a ceremony was underway. All the locals were in traditional dress, progressing through the darkened forest (it was just after sunset) with temple offerings on their heads. In the background we could hear gamelan music and the sounds of a shadow puppet performance. After dinner at another Indonesian restaurant (this one used only organic and local products, for hippie tourists I suppose), we went back to the hotel.