One of the main challenges B and I have had in our relationship is in working together as a team. This seems like a pretty obvious part of marriage: it's mentioned in most marriage vows, you are legally considered as one unit (for instance, you can't be required to testify against your spouse), all money and debts belong to both spouses... But for me it's been a struggle.
Being on a team is of course nice (security, companionship, practical support, division of labor, etc), but it comes with a big downside: you can no longer be independent. In fact, the main problem with being married is that your life no longer really belongs to you.
You can still do pretty much anything you feel like, but now with one great caveat: you must get someone else's permission. This doesn't mean that I always have to ask B, "Can I buy this potato, please, honey?" But it does mean I always have to act like I am asking this question (would this be OK with B?). And he has to do the same. This isn't because someone came down with a rulebook and imposed the law on us; it's for purely practical reasons. We have tried (many times) over the course of our relationship to act differently, where we each make our own decisions and "follow our bliss" and so on. It's always been a complete disaster.
Because marriage is such an intimate relationship, anything I do will have an effect on B. Even something as petty as eating all the bread for a midnight snack means that there won't be any sandwiches for him the next day. I can't "follow my bliss" freely, because by doing so I am necessarily ruling out many possibilities for B. Actually I can't even eat (or sleep, or buy stuff) freely, for the same reasons.
I frequently find this aspect of marriage maddening. I don't want to think about other people all the time, and I hate the feeling of responsibility that comes with this. I can't even eat ice cream if I feel like it, because it makes me sick, meaning I can't fulfill my responsibilities well, meaning I am a bad wife, meaning B is affected...I am no longer fully free to chart the course of my own life, as now I have a co-pilot with his own (frequently entirely different) opinions.
No man is actually an island, but as a modern American it often feels like it. We don't generally stress our responsibilities to others, or our interdependence. The very idea of a "self-made man" is the complete opposite. But in marriage there are no "self-made men": any success or failure I have is B's too, and vice versa. This scares me: it's like tying yourself to another person as you climb a mountain. If the other slips, you will be in a world of trouble. The dependency, and trust, involved is really frightening.
Ok I agree to some extent but not other. I guess it's like that always though? It's just a transfer of who you consider. Before marriage I had to consider my parents, sibling, friends most. Now Jon is the priority on the consideration list. The other thing is just that: it's a consideration. You can STILL eat the bread at midnight if you're willing to accept that B won't have bread for sandwich in the morning. To me it's all about consequences which is how our marriage 'works' (I use that term lightly since I'm not even sure what makes a marriage work in the first place). i.e. when jon says something like, do you think I can go play golf this weekend (a full day activity, leaving me with full childcare responsibility for the whole day after, usually, a long week). I rarely say yes/no and I always reply, if you think that's best. i.e. if he weights out the cons and pros: cons being that i'm left of my own, that he doesn't get to see P, that he has to do more chores tomorrow to make up for not being to split them among two days, pros being that he gets some time to unwind, time to see friends, time to himself that is 100% selfish. If he needs the time more then he goes for it, if he feels like he's had plenty of time to himself lately or that I'm not feeling well and leaving me alone would just be cruel, then he stays. It's always a decision in the end - one where you consider pros and cons (yes, in a marriage your spouse is usually at the top of that list, but there is ALWAYS someone on that list, at least there has been for me) and make a decision that you think is best.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the post....lots of food for thought.
Your system for deciding about playing golf (or whatever else) seems really great. My problem is that I have a hard time trusting B will make a decision I like, so leaving it up to him is really hard for me (I guess I am a tiny bit of a control freak? or mistrustful?). Totally ought to take a page out of your book though, as of course B is not an ogre but a considerate and responsible person.
DeleteNo dude, I'm a total control freak too and usually I question myself and then I just have to take a deep breath and say, he is an adult he has a right to a decision too. It helps (probably not to him but to me) that every time something comes up i actually say that out loud - you are an adult, you can make this decision on your own as long as you consider all the consequences. A little mean but it helps me sleep at night.
DeleteI see what you're saying- but on the other hand, in the mountain analogy, if you slip- you have someone else to catch you, right? There is a marriage vow I heard recently that I loved: "Marriage cuts your sorrows in half, and doubles your joys". I'd like to believe this is true, though I'm not sure my sorrows have actually been cut in half, because when my spouse is hurting, I hurt too, so- perhaps marriage doubles both sorrow and joy and they just balance each other out. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, of course you are right. Marriage is totally awesome and I have no idea how I would get along without B (who has saved me from falling off the mountain dozens of times).
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