Regretting Having Children

The Motherlode blog in the New York Times featured articles today and yesterday about whether parents regret having children.

This article discusses scientific research on the topic of disliking being a parent. Results: most parents find childcare less pleasant than most other mundane tasks (including cooking, shopping, watching TV, napping and housework); children don't make parents happier (and make them unhappier if they have more than one); and parents are less happy in their marriages. However, most parents really don't regret having children (at least according to their self-reports).

I wrote before about how I found parenting surprisingly easy and pleasurable. Almost four months in, I still feel the same way; actually, it's more fun now because little R is so much more responsive. She smiles and laughs and plays! And I am beginning to see glimmers of her personality, which is so interesting.

I definitely do not regret having children: actually, I would say that so far it's one of the best decisions that I have ever made (along with choosing darling B). I am not sorry that I waited until now, though. It's much easier to have children when you 1. don't have to worry constantly about money and 2. accomplished a certain number of life goals, meaning you don't mind putting most projects on hold for a while. I am also still convinced that having children as a single mother is a terrible idea, and should be avoided if at all possible/feasible (although since I've been with B since I was 19, this is not as much an issue for me).

On the other hand, having children with an unworthy partner must be a special sort of torture: for instance, every time your children begin to display traits like that person (which would certainly happen). Right now it charms and delights me whenever R does something or makes some expression that is like B, and I search for these resemblances constantly (perhaps even when they aren't really there; she is just a little baby after all). Also, B is a great father and it's wonderful to see him playing or caring for little R; it makes me love him more. If your partner was a bad parent, whose interactions with your children hurt or damaged them, it seems to me that you would begin to hate them.

Perhaps those who do regret having children have one of the problems above: not enough money; not enough accomplished; no partner; or a bad one. For instance, it seems like an unwed teen mother would have many more regrets on average than a late twentysomething professional married woman.