I am very happy with B, but like any married couple we argue from time to time. Sometimes it's over basically insoluble issues (differences in values, for instance), sometimes it's because one or both of us is tired, stressed or grumpy, and thus short-tempered. However, sometimes it's because of personality flaws (usually mine, unfortunately).
One of the benefits of being married is that it provides you with an outside observer to your most intimate behavior, who is thus a witness to every act of selfishness, laziness or dishonesty that you might commit. If you married the right person, they will bring these defects of yours to your attention (in a loving and understanding way, hopefully). While painful, this is the only way to improve as a person, and thus very important. (I do not think that being married is necessary to this process; however, daily intimate contact is.)
While I try to be a good person, I have a large number of weak points (I suppose you might call them besetting sins). I try to work on them (one of this blog's purposes, hopefully), and have made progress in some areas. But it's definitely an uphill battle.
One of my weak points in particular is feeling entitled. I was lucky enough to have very kind, loving and generous parents, who gave me not only everything I needed but everything I wanted as well, if it was practical/possible. Then I was sent to private prep schools, which both provide an excellent education and train students in the culture of the American upper middle class (which among other things, encourage you to feel yourself entitled to everything). And of course I am an American female, which means from an early age I was told that I could do anything I wanted to, and that I deserved everything to work out for me.
As a result of these experiences (or maybe just because of my particular personality), I tend to believe that I am special. I should be able to buy whatever I want, only do work that pleases me, live the lifestyle I want to live, and get my way at all times, because I deserve it! Sometimes this is a helpful attitude, because it means I have confidence in my worthiness to accomplish things, am not easily intimidated, and don't put up with people treating me badly. Sometimes, however, especially in intimate relationships, it means I tend to be selfish, insisting on getting my needs (or wants) met at the expense of others.
B is really great because he doesn't put up with this (his even more intense upper middle class prep school training probably helps him here). I have actually improved my spoiled princess mentality a lot since I met him. However, I still have a long way to go. Being a mother is definitely not compatible with being a spoiled WASP princess, so now with little R I have even more of an incentive to improve. I do wonder sometimes how to make her feel unconditionally loved and supported, and that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to, without also endowing her with a similar conundrum.
Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour yoga.
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios with soy milk; Lunch: Chicken and rice in tomato sauce, with bread and olive oil; Snack: frappucino; Dinner: Murtabak (pancake stuffed with minced mutton, egg and onion) with curry sauce.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.
Very interesting and brave post! I feel this way often too, and struggle often with how much I could possibly write about that side of myself on my blog without getting the attention of haters. I also grew up with a similar upbringing and have a hard time when things don't go my way.
ReplyDeleteI think the best that you can do for R is give her every advantage in life that you can, but give her balance as well. She'll probably learn by example though, so having the balance between you and your hubs will help her as she grows.