Monday, May 26, 2014

Why I Disappeared

Well that was a long hiatus! I DID kind of "get off the Internet", though not because of mean comments. My blog has always been just a tiny little personally amusing hobby project, and getting the amount of traffic from GOMI that I did freaked me out. I started worrying that people I know might find the blog (I don't use my real name but am obviously recognizable) and while I don't post anything I want to keep secret, I also don't really want people to know I have a blog or talk to them about it. I figure that a six month gap in posting is probably enough to kill the possibility of anything close to wide readership, though, so won't worry about it further.

Probably more importantly though, I had a mental breakdown of sorts while in the US. We returned to Singapore in early January (and cancelled our planned trip to Japan due to my mental state) and since then I have been terribly, terribly depressed, anxious and emotionally disturbed. Like suicidally depressed, self harm depressed, unable to get out of bed depressed (at times, having a young child is a great way to motivate getting up in the morning).

I have always been a moody, emotionally dramatic person but it has gone to a whole new level, to the point that I largely meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder (I am not quite at the point that I officially merit a diagnosis as such--I think, mental health professionals are reluctant to diagnosis/inform you with this label because it has such a bad reputation--but am definitely on the spectrum somewhere). This would surprise most people who know me, because I am able to control myself in most contexts and when with friends, in public or in parenting mode seem totally normal. I am actually an unusually patient parent, to the point that I almost never raise my voice to R.

But the crazy is there, lurking, and manifests itself as soon as R is in bed asleep. I have lost track of the number of nights I was up until the wee hours of the morning hysterically crying, screaming abuse at B, threatening suicide (and meaning it, it would be better if I was just trying to be manipulative but sadly it was more an honest expression of my feelings), doing all kinds of impulsive and crazy things...Most of my symptoms are only expressed around B (though my family has seen some of them), where I am a textbook example of BPD (described succinctly as "I hate you, don't leave me!!"). I often find it difficult to be around him because I am simultaneously consumed with anxiety that he hates me and will abandon me and hatred for him as I project all my feelings of self hatred onto to him and perceive him as the source/cause of it. It is exhausting and unbearably unpleasant, both for me and of course for B (my feelings of guilt about my truly dreadful behavior are a main driver in further tantrums, because I feel so bad about myself).

Naturally I am doing my best to fix things. I am seeing a therapist twice weekly (who is trained in DBT, the main treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder), am on two different psychiatric medications (one of which is supposed to make you extremely fat and indeed I have gained around 10 pounds so far) and have a mini library of self help books. All of this has helped somewhat (as evidenced by the fact I am blogging at all) but I am still really sick. It sucks.

In other news:
--We visited Burma and Thailand, plus a weekend stay in Indonesia.
--I went away overnight with girlfriends, leaving B and R at home (this is a first, it was great!)
--R turned three (and had another large birthday party).
--She now talks constantly in full sentences just like a regular person (with the exception of getting genders mixed up sometimes and not being able to pronounce R: she calls herself "Zo-wah"). She also tells stories and tries to tell jokes.
--She got potty trained and is now completely out of diapers, including at night.
--She lives largely in her self created elaborate fantasy worlds. This is usually hilarious and cute, but I do get tired of her wanting me to participate in them 24-7 (to the point that she was waking me at 7 am with the command "You be Gusto", one of the characters in the fantasy play. She also started greeting me with various fantasy characters' names when coming home from preschool.)
 --B extended his contract here for four more years, meaning we will be here until 2018.

I want to blog about all these things, plus whatever is upcoming. I hope my mental status continues to improve!


  1. Welcome back! Wishing you luck on your mental health journey.

  2. I'm very happy to see you are posting again. I like seeing how you write about your struggles. Many people don't open up about what they are having a hard time with because they are worried about how it can be used against them. That is one privilege of your status as a SAHM and wife of B, you don't have to worry about your boss finding out about this post.

    Keep writing! I always love to read your posts.

    1. Haha, that's true, I didn't even think of that.

  3. I thought maybe you were never coming back, but here you are! I really enjoy seeing all the great things in SE Asia that you visit. Good luck with your health.