Saturday, April 7, 2012

Disciplining My Daughter Is Hard

Running around the park
Little R will be 14 months in a few days, and is completely mobile: she walks for up to an hour at a time, runs, climbs, wades through mud, etc. In other words, she's entered a new stage of life and is now definitely a toddler. For the most part I strongly prefer this stage to babyhood (she's cuter! she has more personality! she's starting to talk! we can actually do things together!), but there is a big downside: discipline.

She wants many things she can't have and often doesn't want the things she needs. This means I have to say no and otherwise compel her to do things all the time, which I don't like because it's such a lot of work. She also has strong preferences about what she wants to do, and when she doesn't get her way, she finds it totally intolerable (cue screaming!!! and flailing).

Enforcing the rules is tiresome but pretty straightforward. Most of them are based on non-negotiables like safety (sharp things will cut you) or morality (hurting others is wrong). Little R will have to obey them all her life, and I'm doing her a favor by teaching her what they are. But when it comes to her preferences (like that she wants to go this way, not that way, at the park), things aren't so clear cut. It's more convenient for me to get my way, but there's no absolute reason I should.

My natural tendency is to be strict. I don't have any problem whatsoever saying no, and then sticking to it in the face of a toddler's screaming rage. I'm naturally stubborn and strong-willed, so if it actually comes down to a battle of wills, I am going to win.

But philosophically I am not sure that this is best. I want to approach little R from a place of yes, where she has as much control and agency in her life as is possible, so that she learns how bravely explore the world, advocate for herself, and make her own decisions. I want her to feel that she is the one in charge of herself. I want her to be someone who carefully considers what is best, not someone who listens and obeys like an automaton.

The other problem is more of a moral one. At least for me, there is something terribly seductive about being in control. Shaping others' decisions, guiding them down the paths you have chosen, and watching the effects of your influence, is gratifying. At some point though, it can convert over from a natural satisfaction that you have helped others into something darker, an enjoyment of one's power. This is a dangerous impulse, and also terribly harmful to little R's happy development.

Yesterday when I was putting dishes away, little R wanted me to give her the spatulas. I said no, because then she would drag them around the house and leave them somewhere, adding to the mess I must clean. She said "Aaaahhh!" and started to vigorously protest. I ignored her increasing agitation, feeling smug in my strictness, and then there it was, the realization that I was rather enjoying the ability to deny her stuff.

I wasn't benefiting little R at all. In fact, I was injuring her (ability to learn about the world, natural curiosity, feelings that she had influence over her environment). While it was partly out of laziness (so I wouldn't have to pick up after her), it was also because it's fun to impose your will on others.

Once I realized this, I gave the spatulas to her. I don't actually know if this is the right decision (maybe from little R's perspective, she just learned that screaming gets you what you want). I do know that I must be careful with discipline, and with what my motivations are when using it, because it's so easy to do it in the wrong way, or for the wrong reasons.

Perhaps this is what people mean when they say parenting becomes progressively harder as children get older.

10 comments:

  1. I think you were right to give her the spatulas. One of the things that I think Nurture Shock (have you read it?) says is that admitting you are wrong and make mistakes is key to having well behaved teenagers. You have to start young.

    I have to keep reminding myself not to get into power struggles with little T (though he is pretty easily distracted). I just get SO bored pretending to be elmo and "swimming" on the floor with him that he pitches a fit when I stop. Ugh. He's just bored. Anyway - yup - I think its harder too.

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    1. Yes! I really liked that book, so interesting. It's been fairly influential to me too; I should write about it.

      A lot of small children's games ARE boring. Little R's favorite right now is fetch. That's why I try to encourage independent play!

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  2. We haven't gotten to the stage of disciplining much (eek, it sounds scary!) but I'm hoping to follow the example of our cousin (who teaches in a Montessori school)- offer choices as much as possible (and make the two options something that wouldn't bother you either way). So you could say, "You can't have the spatula/knife/dangerous item, but you can have "blank" or "blank". Which one do you want?" Then I guess it makes them feel like they have control because they're making the choice (even though you're really making the decision). Not sure this actually works though when they're so little and very focused on the item they want. Worth a shot though!

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    1. My mom was really into this technique. I remember her using it, knowing that she was doing it to fool me, and still falling for it, so it must work well.

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  3. I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time figuring out what to bother disciplining her about or when to say "no" or when to say "yes" and I'm just like you about control and stubbornness. UGHHHHHHHH Mommyhood is not easy.

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    1. Being someone who likes to be in charge doesn't always work well when you have a little child (especially one who's related to you and thus probably is also stubborn). My mother and I fought constantly (until she read a bunch of parenting books and discovered time outs and other tricky techniques) because we're both bossy. I want to avoid this with little R if I can!

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  4. Mike and I had a really long conversation last night about parenting since we've had so many issues with his family, and I brought this post up because I think you made a lot of really good points about the temptation to control another human being for the matter of convenience to you. I think that is EXACTLY what happens with so many parents as their child grows...the temptation to control them with "because I said so" is harder and harder to readjust as the child grows and makes their own decisions.

    I think that it's exactly what happened with Mike's parents as he grew up, when he was a pretty easy going kid and did what they said because it was easier for him to listen to them than fight it. Then, all of a sudden, he was an adult and finally decided to go his own way and his parents freaked the eff out. They lashed out at every opportunity to tell him he was making the wrong decisions. A tragic situation all around.

    I'm absolutely not saying that that happens to everyone or that it's even a possibility for you guys, but I just wanted to tell you how much we really talked about and related to this issue on a much larger level. I think that the way you always critically think about parenting in the best interests of Little R will set you completely apart from what happened with Mike's parents...they made everything about them so often, that now it's impossible for them to even look outside of themselves to see how badly they've hurt their son.

    So thanks for this post...it gave us quite a lot to think about last night at dinner. I think you're on the right track, and I know it will benefit Little R in the long run.

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    1. That sounds really hard for everyone involved, especially Mike. I do think it's really common.

      In fact, parents who are able to step back from their own preferences/values/desires, and allow their children real agency over their own lives (not just saying, "Well, it's your life!!!", but really supporting them even when you don't like the decisions), seem to be the exception. My parents have done this for me, for the most part, and I know it's been really hard for them, especially my mom (who is bossy and loves being right). It's one of the things I most appreciate about them.

      Marriage is funny too because you end up permanently dealing with your inlaws' parenting style forever (even if you don't talk to them). B's family is really dysfunctional for a variety of reasons (and his father is also exceptionally self centered), and it can be difficult for both of us. I have a lot of sympathy for you guys!

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  5. I'm so intrigued by your take on this! Thanks so much for sharing. I love how self-aware you seem to be -- you know your pitfalls and your strengths.

    I'm totally with you in wanting to encourage a sense of agency in my daughter. I've read that having a sense of agency is central to a general sense of well-being.

    I'm also with GiGi in recommending Nurture Shock if you haven't read it. Absolutely brilliant. And also Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It sounds like you'd resonate with both of them!

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    1. Yes, I've read that too (and not having one is a main factor in developing depression).

      I love both of those books. I always thought I would be a "tough" parent, especially given my bossy personality, but so far I've mostly been attracted to super hippie philosophy. Right now I'm leaning towards the idea of no punishment at all (as Kohn discusses). Any other book recommendations?

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