Having a Magical Christmas Without Santa

Merry Christmas!

The trip to the US was a big success: I had a good time and even did many of the things I was hoping/planning to do with R, including lots of time with family, a trip to the Exploratorium, two trips to the California Academy of Sciences, taking the cable cars in San Francisco, touring the zoo lights at the Oakland Zoo, riding the merry-go-round at Tilden Park and visiting Fairyland.

Christmas Chaos

 No family drama ensued: I think having our own space was helpful, even though we saw my parents every day and spent most of every day with them.

Meeting one of the many people dressed like Santa

Christmas was great fun. R is old enough to get really excited about it and appreciate the magic of the season, even though we don't do Santa. Or rather, we do Santa-related things--R received presents addressed from Santa and Christmas stockings, for instance, in addition to meeting several Santas at various holiday events--while being clear Santa is pretend and all the activities having to do with Santa are just a fun game. I don't like the idea of deliberately deceiving R about Santa, especially given the fact that we are atheists and thus don't believe in anything supernatural or otherworldly. The distinction for R at this point is admittedly vague (since the distinction between reality and fantasy for a three year old is not very clear in any context), so it's unclear if my policy really matters at all at this point. Perhaps next year its effects, if any, on R will be clearer. So far the explanation that Santa is pretend, just like cartoon shows, and that people like to dress up as him for fun seemed to make sense to her.

R opening presents

R received too many presents for Christmas (in my opinion: she certainly enjoyed all of them and was greatly satisfied). I bought her 10, which upon further thought seems excessive. It's hard to know how many/what to buy her, especially given the rock-bottom toy prices in the US (at least compared to Singapore: most toys cost two to three times less in the US). I love making her happy, and buying her toys is an easy way to do that. Too bad it has downsides. Her birthday is coming up, and I think I will aim for buying her 4 presents (one for each year), mostly small things. Giving her experiences, like a party for her friends and fun outings with Mom and Dad, seems like an ultimately more loving thing to do.

One of her presents from us was a pirate costume (on her "list")

Why I Had a Mental Breakdown

R at the Lawrence Hall of Science

I have alluded before to the fact that our trip to the US was mostly disastrous, and ended with me more-or-less having a mental breakdown, that I am only now recovering from. It's still hard for me to pinpoint exactly what happened, but basically I had decided to go off psychiatric medication and try for a second child. One of these, or both, did not agree with me, and I found myself getting more and more unhappy. I decided to go see a therapist.

Dressed as a turtle

Unfortunately, she was highly incompetent. Among other things, I complained to her about B, blaming my unhappiness primarily on him, and using selective examples to bolster my case. I had already started to manifest some BPD-like symptoms, where depending on the day B was either perfect in every way or cause of everything unpleasant in my life. Rather than her noticing that my thinking patterns were distorted, and helping me to unravel them (as one would hope from a mental health professional), she accepted everything I said as the truth and even went farther, encouraging me to perceive B as abusive and mentally unstable (which he isn't). Partly this is my fault, because I wanted her to approve of me (another BPD-like symptom) and thus began to tailor what I said to meet what I perceived as her expectations. After three sessions, she began telling me that I had some serious decisions to make and urging me to divorce B. I did not want to divorce him at all, but felt so confused and mentally fragile that I had a hard time knowing what to do. Instead, B and I began constantly fighting as I quickly oscillated between clinging to him frantically and screaming at him.

On top of the life-size blue whale statue

In the middle of all this, we had to go to the US, to stay with my family for a month. B considered not going (among other reasons, because I had told my family the version of events in which everything was B's fault) but I begged him to come, so he did. However, he didn't want to stay with my family 1. for so long (their house is very small, with very thin walls) and 2. when I had basically turned them against him. I felt this was unacceptable, largely out of fear about what my mother would say/do. We fought about this issue over and over, moving back and forth from B in a hotel and R and me with my parents, to all of us in a hotel, to all of us with my parents, etc. etc. Meanwhile my mother wasn't really speaking to B, I felt caught in the middle and completely confused about what was going on, and B was under a tremendous amount of stress. Eventually things reached a point where I felt I had to choose between B and my family, and I felt that I just couldn't do it. Instead, I became suicidal and extremely depressed (I actually had to go back on medication while in the US). I cried pretty much every day of our visit, sometimes for hours at a time.

At Playland-Not-at-the-Beach

All the drama meant that I did not have a very good time on our visit, though Christmas Day was nice and our trip to Chicago was great (and a welcome reprieve from both fighting and drama in general). I also did almost none of the fun things I had planned on doing. In fact, I only have photos from three outings for the whole month (though we did go on a few more--to Fairyland and a holiday fair with a carousel, for example).

Christmas mini train set

R mostly had a great time--she loved hanging out with her doting relatives--but for me it was extremely traumatic, so much so that I am only able to write about it now, eight months later. We are planning to go back this Christmas, and even thinking of it makes me feel terribly nervous. It is really sad, because I love my family, and miss them so much, and yet being around them caused me so much stress and suffering.

Manatees and Monkey Children

We went to the River Safari yet again a couple weekends ago. It is my new favorite place to take R, because 1. we have a membership so it's very cost effective; 2. it is all covered so we can go even if it's raining (it is now rainy season in Singapore); and 3. I really like seeing the manatees.

A number of years ago B took a family vacation to Belize. I was not invited because his dad was paying and we were both very young (he was a sophomore in college then, I think? in any case we were still in "young couple dating" territory rather than "long-term married" territory). I was of course envious--they visited Tikal!!! and I have never been to central America--but was rather selfishly satisfied that in the end they did not get to "swim with the manatees" as had been planned. B got quite ill (he always does when traveling with his family, because they are dysfunctional and stress him out), and since he was the enthusiastic one about this possibility, they gave it a miss in favor of touring Francis Ford Coppola's resort (obviously not B's choice, hard to think of something that would interest him less). I told him we will just have to go back, together!

 R likes the manatees too, but mostly just enjoys climbing/exploring whatever she can reach. A few days ago she called to me, "Mommy, look at me!" and I turned to find her sitting on top of our kitchen island (she had opened the cabinet beneath and used the drawers inside as a kind of ladder). One reason I like getting out of the house: I feel like the zoo is a safer environment!

The highlight of this visit was seeing the Amazonian river otter for the first time: up to this point it has been hiding in the very furtherest inaccessible corner of its exhibit. The two of them seemed really relaxed, floating in the water and sunning themselves on the shore. Maybe they are finally adjusted to their new zoo home?

R's Second Christmas

I have pretty much no photos from R's first Christmas (because they were taken on my mother's camera, and  then she lost it before transferring the photos). Honestly the photos this year weren't any good either but I am going to put them here anyway, as an aid to memory if nothing else.

R is bemused by all the presents everywhere, just after she'd entered the living room

It was a great Christmas because R is now old enough to be excited about presents and candy (and yet not old enough to be greedy or disappointed in her expectations). We had it at my parents' house, with my sister, her husband, their daughter, B, me, R, my little cousin (who's 19 now, so not so little I guess), and my parents.

Little cousin V: isn't she beautiful?

Baby D, Mom, my sister and R with chocolate all over herself, looking at one of her new books

The usual traditions prevailed: the grand reveal of stuffed stockings and tons of presents under the tree; playing the yule log channel as we opened presents; and a enormous fattening breakfast (prepared by my father, natch, as none of the females in my family can do more than boil water: very funny to compare notes and realize that my brother-in-law is also the cook, and that even my little cousin has her boyfriend cook for her every night). Then we spent the rest of the day just hanging out together, which was my favorite part. It's so nice to be able to spend time with my beloved family!

Admiring her new baby doll and its accessories

Fake crying (Baby is supposed to be doing it; then R gives her a hug)

Do you hear the music? (Christmas carols are playing)

R's favorite part: removing wrapping paper

Eco friendly kitchenware from my sister (she and her husband are kind of hippies)

R got chocolate coins in her stocking

She wasn't sure what to do at first (I look so sleepy OMG: not a morning person!)

Can I eat this?

Hmm...not bad

Pixie feels very sad that she didn't get chocolate for Christmas too

And one more of baby D, because she's so cute!!

Visiting California

R enjoying my parents' backyard

We were in California for about two weeks. Despite my initial plans, we didn't do anything exciting and barely went on any outings either (a couple trips to kid-friendly museums and a farm was pretty much it). We did visit San Francisco multiple times, but it was to see various friends and family members (three new babies there: our friends are all starting to reproduce now). B and I went to see exactly ONE movie (The Hobbit, which I loved; B thought it was a bit dull, which it was, but my excitement over seeing dwarves etc. on the screen means I give it a lot of leeway).

Partly this lack of initiative was because my sister just had a baby (in October) and so we spent most days hanging out together at my parents' house in that "newborn haze". Partly it was because R stopped sleeping well. At home she is a great sleeper, but at my parents' she started waking up multiple times every night and screaming until I would break down and let her sleep in my bed. I am not at ALL a fan of cosleeping (not because I have moral objections, just for selfish reasons) and she is never allowed to do it in Singapore.

R meeting D: she was totally fascinated

But I was in a bad position at my parents', because their house is quite small and has very thin walls, meaning that if R yelled at night it would wake everyone up. Plus my parents did everything in their power to encourage R to sleep badly (getting her up to play whenever she woke up at night; begging me to "rescue" her whenever she cried, etc). As a result she never got over her jetlag fully and was pretty grumpy for the entire time we were there. It sort of makes me sad because my parents and everyone else didn't really see her at her best (she was still cheerful and energetic, because that's her personality, but much more whiny and high maintenance than usual). Oh well. The good news is that as soon as we returned to Singapore she reverted to her old sleeping patterns (12 hours straight at night in her own room; a daily 2+ hour nap; brief and easy bedtime routine). It's funny what a big difference having a well sleeping child makes in my mood and general attitude about parenting.

R with her grandmother and great-aunt

We still had a great time (and so exciting to meet all the new babies, especially my darling niece D!). I love watching R with her relatives: they all love her so much, and it's great to see her developing relationships with them.

R and my parents' dog: R loved feeding,  playing with and bossing around Pixie

R started calling her grandmother "Mama" and appealing to her whenever I made her do something she disliked

R loved going on walks: she always wants to bring a bag though

With her grandfather: a two-bag walk this time

Pa, R, baby D and my sister: R really wants to hold D but had to settle for petting her

Pixie, Pa and R enjoying Christmas time

My Grandfather Died

My grandfather died yesterday. He was quite old (in his eighties), extremely feeble, and demented, so it wasn't unexpected at all. I'm not very sentimental and so my main reaction upon hearing the news was muted approval. My mom (thanks to rather irresponsible sisters and an over-developed sense of obligation) has been heavily burdened with his care for years, as has my father to some extent (because naturally he helps her with her duties). Now they are finally free, with the additional benefit of a (very small, but even a little is nice) inheritance. My grandfather certainly hasn't been enjoying life, what with the paranoid hallucinations, confusion and agitation typical of dementia: he hasn't even been able to have a conversation of any kind, even the simplest, for maybe two years. Death is a release for him.

He was a very interesting person back in his salad days. An archaeologist, a scholar, and a greatly beloved teacher, he was very professionally successful and quite influential, particularly in improving relations between archaeologists and native groups (the relationship between archaeology/anthropology and Native Americans/Indians is historically mostly an exploitative one, and my grandfather was one of the first to envision a different path).

He was a well-known folk musician (he has a CD of his work put out by the Smithsonian), and lived a rather Bohemian lifestyle, being good friends with people like Janis Joplin's road manager and many other local artists, musicians and creatives. (My grandparents used to have a large purple cube in their living room for smoking pot with their friends, and one of my grandfather's most favorite activities was all-nude parties in their massive hot tub--it held about 30 people.) He also quilted (having learned when confined to bed for a year in childhood due to a bout with TB), sewing beautiful curtains, quilts, pillows and the like, and decorated all the ceilings in their house with elaborate designs done in different tints of gold leaf.

Generally speaking, he was a very unusual person, with very little interest in conformity. He wore only one outfit: jeans (had to be Levi's), cowboy boots, cowboy hat, dress shirt (with pearl or shell buttons), and a jean jacket. He loved order and meticulously organized everything, from his firewood (see the picture above) to the sausages served at Christmas (he created a guide for them every year). He was probably the most principled person I have ever known: once he believed something, that is what he would do, and he never deviated. For instance, he didn't believe in telling others what to do, and so even though he was a professor, he never encouraged (or discouraged) his daughters to pursue higher education. He never lied, cheated, exaggerated, or even speculated: what he said was always the exact truth, as far as he knew (and if he wasn't sure, he would tell you that as well). I can't remember a time when he spoke badly of someone: he always gave others the benefit of the doubt and refused to pass judgments (he didn't believe in that either).

He didn't care much about many things which concern others. He disliked travel of any kind, even weekend trips; didn't care about food (he ate the same thing every single day: beans from the can, white bread and hot dogs), fashion, or anything new (their house was entirely furnished with hand-me-down furniture from friends). He had no prejudices: all colors, genders, sexual orientations and backgrounds were the same to him.

I'm not sad that he died, but I am sad he's gone, because he was someone who enriched the world with his presence.

Being an Expat in Singapore

I really like Singapore, but sometimes I really miss the US.

Things I Miss Most:

Parents at Crater Lake

1. My family. In my ideal fantasy world, my parents, my sister, and I would all live next door to each other, and see each other pretty much every day. My sister and I have argued before about who gets to have my mom come live with them once my dad dies (he's 17 years older than her, so she will almost certainly outlive him, sob sob). Sadly B's job doesn't mesh well with my fantasies (maybe B is a little glad about this? as otherwise he would be spending every weekend at a minimum with my parents and sister).

Sister with our old dog (I think she's a college freshman here?). Isn't she cute? 

2. Grocery stores. American grocery stores are by far the best in the world.
--The selection! (Selection here isn't bad, but even so many things are difficult to find: good bread, American bacon, candy corn. In most places, though, variety just doesn't exist to the same extent.)
--The quality! (Thanks FDA! After living in China, where milk was poisonous, I really appreciate them. And even if food is safe, things like sugar, flour, jam, and so on just aren't as good. Making brownies with Chinese flour and sugar was a memorable, if futile, experience.)
--And the prices! American food is so so so cheap. Cheerios cost about $10/box here, for example. When we were visiting the US, and went to Trader Joe's to stock up my parents' house, I seriously wanted to buy everything in the store. It seemed almost free. We did fill up an entire cart with all kinds of extravagant goodies (pomegranate seeds, for instance), and it was still less than I spend in a mid-week restock of basics. No wonder Americans are fat.
--Plus, the store design: hugely spacious aisles, great lighting, fabulous freezers and temperature control... And the vegetables and fruit are so attractively arranged; it looks like a magazine spread.

3. Not being a foreigner. If you aren't a native, then there will always be things you don't understand. You never quite fit in, because there are so many little nuances you don't know about or can't pick up on. And you are always having to be understanding, because your preferences (like for not having to spend twice as long on every transaction due to inefficiency) cannot be honored (you're the foreigner, and thus the one who has to adopt the local customs).

4. The shopping. Cheap prices aren't just for food: almost everything else is cheaper in the US too (services are the exception). An outfit for R here costing $25 would cost $10 at home. Books are at least twice (and usually three times) more, as are electronics. I remember being shocked at this in China (since they make everything there, shouldn't it be cheaper? The answer is no, unless you're talking about intellectual property, which is cheap thanks to rampant piracy.).

Singapore is great in other ways though: the diversity, the travel opportunities, eating out, the weather (in my opinion, anyway), safety, medical care...I just wish a Target and a Trader Joe's would open up in the nearby mall. And if my parents and sister relocated here (say, down the hall), life would be pretty perfect.

My Parents' Final Days in Singapore

Once my parents, R, B and I got back from Malacca, we had just a few days in Singapore before our flight to Hong Kong.

Building in Little India

May 14th: In the morning R and I toured Little India with my parents. This is the neighborhood where all the Indian/Bangladeshi migrant workers are concentrated, and since there are huge numbers of them in Singapore (about 25% of the population are "non residents", meaning here only to work), it is a densely populated and extremely authentic place: it even smells of curry. It's also quite unlike the rest of Singapore (for instance, there is actual trash on the street).

Little India: note all the Indians!

After our walk and a stop for some Indian sweets/drinks, R and I went home for her nap. My parents continued onward to Kampong Glam (the center of Muslim life in Singapore) and Joo Chiat (famous for its Peranakan shophouses). They had a good time buying hand-ground Indian spices and Peranakan antiques.

Dad shopping for spices (he likes cooking)

In the evening, we all went back to Kampong Glam for dinner at a Moroccan restaurant. It was excellent but service was very slow. Luckily it was in a nice pedestrian area so R killed time by strolling around.

Sultan Mosque at Kampong Glam: it's prayer time so worshippers are on the move

We ate outside like this, though not here

May 15th: I spent several hours hanging out at the coffeehouse and read while my parents played with R.

R and Grammie

In the afternoon we took a stroll down Orchard Road (the major shopping district here).

The fancy McDonalds (!) on Orchard Road, Tang's department store in the background

We ended up eating superb Indonesian food at a slightly out-of-the-way restaurant (it was located on the second floor of a downmarket (the stucco was moldy) mall). Really fantastic tasting.

Very unusual dish: fried tofu, eggs, spicy/sweet "dark sauce",  topped with cucumbers

May 16th: We all traveled to Pulau Ubin via bumboat, where we went hiking.

R and my parents on the bumboat, watching sea hawks

It was a most productive day in terms of wildlife viewing: we saw monkeys, junglefowl, various birds, and wild boar with piglets. Back on land we dined near the pier (Western food, including imported beer), where I spotted a flock of wild parrots.

Mom on Pulau Ubin

After R went to bed, the babysitter came over and the four adults went to Singapore's Night Safari. This is actually a completely separate facility from the zoo, and is only open at night. Most of the animals are nocturnal, so it's a really unique chance to see them active and lively. And because Singapore is so hot, touring an open-air attraction after dark is much more pleasant. It's a definite must-see for any visitor (why we take everyone there).

Giant flying squirrel: it's quite big!

I think it looks like a fake stuffed animal, but actually it's a native to SE Asia

I got my feet groomed at the fish spa. Basically you stick your bare feet in a shallow pool full of a particular fish species, who then swarm your feet, eating all the dead skin. It's supposed to have health benefits, in addition to making your feet beautiful. It was interesting and not painful (it feels like tickling). Everyone else was too grossed out by the idea (wimps!).

I think it's fun! (B was too grossed out to watch)

My feet

May 17th: In the morning the family went to Sungei Buloh Nature Reserve to see the monitor lizards.

Lizard crossing the road

Some kind of migratory stork

We had to walk quite a distance on the way home (as we just missed the bus, and weren't able to catch a taxi), past Singapore's "rural district" (there are several farms here, including a crocodile farm: and yes, this meat is sold in our local supermarket).

In the afternoon, my mom and I went to the Raffles Hotel (so not B or my father's scene) to drink Singapore Slings (invented at the Raffles' Long Bar). They aren't very good (being incredibly sweet), but it's a tourist must-do.

Obligatory photo

It's quite a lovely (and big!) property

The main entrance, with the Sikh doorman (one of Raffles' hallmarks)

The next day we were off to Hong Kong.