101 in 1001: How Did I Do?

The time for my 101 in 1001 goals just recently ran out. How did I do?

Beautiful 3/6
Self Disciplinary 0/4
Explorations Abroad: 6/7 (one deleted, as right now I have little desire to visit Australia)
Explorations at Home: 10/10
Familial: 3/5 (three deleted)
Financial: 5/10 (three deleted)
Healthful: 3/10
Indulgent: 7/7
Intellectual: 1/8
Organizational: 4/7
Parental 8/10
Social: 2/5
Spousal: 1/3 (two deleted)

Total: 53/92 or 58%

This is not as well as I wanted to do, of course, but considering that I made the list almost three years ago and have been through a lot since then it's not terrible either. What is interesting to me is the differences between categories: I did very well in Indulgent and Explorations (ie things I like) and poorly in Self Disciplinary and Intellectual, both requiring substantial mental energy (something I frequently lack for various reasons). Healthful was also below average (my natural tendency is to sit around never moving and living off gummies, popcorn and coffee), as was Social (I have a lot of social anxiety/fears so this category is a challenge for me). In Parental I did better than average, while Spousal was below average even though my goals weren't that numerous: it is pretty obvious where most of my work/energy is going within the family! So sorry B.

I liked having goals to work towards, even if I did not accomplish them all. It gives a lot of mental clarity. I did not like the long time frame, because I already have a tendency towards procrastination and knowing that I had so long to complete the goals sometimes meant never completing them.

So this time around I am going to try a mini version: 36 in 365. It's especially appropriate as I will be turning 36 this year. I think I had too many categories before so this time it will be only six categories: two easy (or fun), two personally challenging and two important-but-not-too-difficult. Here's hoping for success and continued self improvement!

(Scroll down for the completed list details if interested.)
Beautiful: (6)
Get makeup professionally done: December 2012
Reassess wardrobe and get rid of all ugly/unflattering clothing: January 2012
Create a new and complete wardrobe
Learn how to style my hair in at least one style
Buy myself a pearl necklace: December 2013
Do skin treatment morning and night for one month (1/30)

(Self) Disciplinary: (4)
Go to bed by midnight, for two weeks
One hour or less of Internet use per day, for two weeks
Make my bed first thing in the morning, for two weeks
Create a daily/weekly schedule, and stick to it

Explorations Abroad: (8)
Visit Bali: October 2011
Go to Japan again and go to a rabbit-themed attraction: January 2013
Go to Italy again
Go to Australia
Visit Bagan: April 2014
Visit Borobudur: July 2013
Visit Malaysia: October 2011, March 2012, April 2012, May 2012, September 2012
Go to the jungle and look for wild orangutans: September 2013

Explorations at Home: (10)
Go on the Night Safari at the Singapore Zoo: September 2011
Visit all the museums in Singapore: click here for list to-date
Take a river cruise: May 2012
Ride the Singapore Flyer: September 2011
Day trip to Pulau Ubin: March 2012
Have a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel: May 2012
Visit Haw Par Villa: December 2011, August 2012
Go to Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve during migration season: January 2012
Tour the Goat Farm: September 2012
Attend a concert at the Esplanade: December 2012

Familial: (8)
Decide definitely whether to have another child; if yes, start working on it!: November 2013
Take a family vacation with my parents (May 2012: Malacca, Hong Kong) and sister
Get a rabbit
Get a dog
Help my cousin visit me in Singapore
Visit family in California (4/4): December 2011, June 2012, December 2012, December 2013
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (1/15)
Take a family photo once a month (7/33)

Financial: (13)
Pay off all credit cards
Pay off my student loan debt: November 2012
Pay off B's student loan debt: November 2012
Save $30,000 as a backup fund for emergencies etc: April 2013
Open a retirement account/Roth IRA
Save 10% of income, every month, in retirement account
Start a savings account for college fund
Buy life insurance for B (at least $1 million)
Donate $1000 to charity in 2012
Donate $1500 to charity in 2013
Donate $2000 to charity in 2014
Visit a financial planner
Hire a professional to do our taxes: March 2012

Healthful: (10)
Lose 15 pounds (weigh 125 pounds): May 2013
Hire a personal trainer for ten sessions
Exercise five days a week for a month: April 2013
Climb a mountain
Take a picture of everything I eat for two weeks
See a doctor for my heartburn: June 2012
Do yoga every day for a month
Dessert/sweets no more than three times/week, for three weeks
Drink 8 glasses of water every day for two weeks (1/14)
Floss my teeth every night for two months (1/60)

Indulgent: (7)
Have an all-day spa session: April 2014
Have an Indonesian massage: October 2011
Have a Swedish massage: December 2011
Have a Thai massage: June 2013
Get periodic pedicures: April 2014
Get a facial: January 2012
Blog every day, unless I am without internet access or really sick

Intellectual: (8)
Work my way through beginning Mandarin (Book 1)
Work my way through intermediate Mandarin (Book 2)
Take and complete a Mandarin class
Work my way through beginning Japanese book
Learn hiragana and katakana alphabets
Take a Chinese calligraphy class
Read 300 books (189/300)
Participate in a book group: April 2012

Organizational: (7)
Enter everyone's birthday/anniversary into Google Calendar
Declutter our possessions: get rid of everything neither useful nor beautiful
Write wills for me and B: select guardians for little R
Get new driver's license: December 2012
Change address on credit cards, student loans, with post office, IRS, DMV, for voting
Get antique scroll rematted: May 2012
Sort, reorganize and store files

Parental: (10)
Take swim classes with little R: May 2012
Take a music class with little R: November 2013
Take an art class with little R, when she's old enough to create
Attend a playgroup: September 2012
Take Mandarin class with little R: May 2012
Create a library of 100 quality children's books for little R: May 2012
Go on a beach vacation with little R: March 2012 (Pulau Tioman)
Bake cookies with little R, when she's old enough to help: December 2013
Complete photo album of little R's first year: May 2012
Complete photo album of little R's second and third years

Social: (5)
Make five real friends in Singapore: February 2013
Volunteer my time at a nonprofit I like (0/33)
Host a dinner party
Do random acts of kindness for non-family members (6/10)
Attend mothers' group once a month: March 2013

Spousal: (5)
Date night with B at least twice a month (20/66)
Overnight trip for anniversary, 2012
Overnight trip for anniversary, 2013: December 2013 (Chicago)
Go on an all-day bike ride with B
Make list of 50 things and do them with B (2/50)

Goal Progress: March

Goals for the second half of March were the following:

--Keep exercising at least five days a week. YES! I am totally killing at this.
--Keep saving for backup fund. YES! Almost there now: I think next month will do it...
--Get a pedicure. YES! (then I ruined it by tripping just as I was leaving the salon: oops)
--Read five books (ambitious, but I can do it). YES! This brings me up to 7 for the month of March, which is progress in the right direction.
--Visit a new museum. YES! The ArtScience Museum, which was awesome. I will write a post about it.
--Complete two chapters of Mandarin book. NO, absolutely no progress in this direction :(

Six out of seven isn't bad, though. I feel encouraged!

My new goals for April:
--Keep exercising at least five days a week (if I do this I will actually cross something off my 101 in 1001 list: exciting!)
--Keep saving for backup fund (another possible cross off!)
--Read 12 books.
--Complete first three chapters of Mandarin book.
--Get computer fixed: if this is not possible, get files retrieved and recycle computer
--Complete photo album of R's second year
--Visit two new museums
--Schedule handyman to come to hang pictures, finish childproofing
--Get my hair cut and dyed
--Go on two dates with B

Seems like I will be busy this month!

Why the Irregular Posting

I haven't been writing much, partly because my laptop broke (R opened the door to the study, got a chair from the other room, and fetched my laptop off of the desk: but then she dropped it; obviously none of this was with my knowledge. Reason #500 a silent toddler is ominous.), and partly because I've felt really depressed lately.

I don't have a good reason: nothing bad has happened. Actually I feel incredibly guilty about being depressed, because my life is pretty posh. I don't have to work, we have enough money for all necessities plus plenty of extras, my husband is kind, supportive and loves me, my child is even-tempered, happy and healthy...My typical day consists of hanging out with my daughter doing fun activities or seeing our friends, various chores and light housework (B even does almost all the cooking), and between 5-6 hours of child free time (since R takes a 2-3 hour nap, and goes to bed at least three hours before I do). Being depressed in this situation just seems whiny.

I have lots of experience with being depressed though, so I know that logic (or guilt) are of no use in this situation. Instead of chastising myself for being ungrateful and spoiled, I need to focus on proper self-care and mental hygiene. This means sleeping better (going to bed earlier, for example), exercising far more, improving my diet, and being more careful to engage in productive/social activities only. Which means I have to cut down Internet time a lot, it being my time-waster of choice. (Blog posting usually makes me feel productive though, so I can do it if I don't get sucked in to reading numerous sites at the same time.)

Hopefully I will feel better soon and then can go back to eating gummies on the regular and wasting hours reading stupid celebrity gossip.

Goal Progress: February

My goals for February/early March were the following:

--Exercise at least five days a week: YES! I am finally exercising consistently: involving B has definitely proved effective.

--Keep saving for backup fund: YES! Making good progress in this department

--Get a pedicure: NO. Haven't had the chance yet. Maybe this week though, now that R is back in school (she had school holidays, I guess because painting is very tiring?)

--Read 10 books: SORT OF. But I read 7, which is pretty good after such a long period of minimal reading.

--Visit two new museums: SORT OF. I visited one, plus three I'd been to before (the Singapore Art Museum, the Zoo, the Bird Park).

--Send family cards via mail (at least 5): NO. I have so much guilt about this whole issue: will have to discuss it another day when my internal resources are better.

I don't like having goals within the calendar month (seems so untidy), so I am just going to have a few goals for the next couple weeks, and start fresh April 1st.

--Keep exercising at least five days a week.
--Keep saving for backup fund.
--Get a pedicure.
--Read five books (ambitious, but I can do it).
--Visit a new museum.
--Complete two chapters of Mandarin book.

Let's see how it goes!

101 in 1001 Update

Goals? Oh yeah, I had so many...

I pretty much fell off the wagon and stopped tracking my progress altogether (seems like an infusion of grit is in order). Time to get back on it!

Here's my list of 101 in 1001 goals for 2012, with the ones I accomplished crossed out.

February 2012
Day trip to Pulau Ubin
Exercise five days a week for a month
Give up all caffeine for two weeks (really)

March 2012
Complete photo album of little R's first year
See a doctor for my heartburn
Hire a professional to do our taxes

April 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Buy life insurance for B (at least $1 million)
Lose 15 pounds (weigh 125 pounds)

May 2012
Overnight trip for anniversary, 2012
Work my way through beginning Mandarin (Book 1)
Have a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel

June 2012
Take swim classes with little R (complete 14)
Save $30,000 as a backup fund for emergencies etc.
Visit a financial planner

July 2012
Help my cousin visit me in Singapore
Buy myself a pearl necklace
Go on a beach vacation with little R

August 2012
Take Mandarin class with little R (complete 15)
Sort, reorganize and store files
Visit family in California (2/5?)

September 2012
Tour the Goat Farm
Open a retirement account/Roth IRA
Get antique scroll rematted

October 2012
Take a river cruise
Take a music class with little R
Get up right when my alarm goes off for two weeks

November 2012
Visit all the museums in Singapore (at least 26)
Do yoga every day for a month
Work my way through intermediate Mandarin (Book 2)

December 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Visit family in California (3/5?)
Get makeup professionally done

Hmm...THAT'S not very impressive, is it? Luckily hope springs eternal. It's already mid-February, but here are my goals for this month:

--Exercise at least five days a week (B is back on duty!)
--Keep saving for backup fund (over halfway there!)
--Get a pedicure (oh my life is hard)
--Read 10 books (reading has been very pathetic lately, too much time on the Internet)
--Visit two new museums
--Send family cards via mail (at least 5)

Goals for August

R at Mandarin class with her favorite toy mango

My goals for August were the following:

--Take Mandarin class with little R (completed)
--Sort, reorganize, and store files
--Visit family in California (completed)

Since I did two ahead of time, I'm changing the list to:

--Sort, reorganize and store files
--Exercise five days a week for a month (well, starting now: it's already the tenth so I won't finish this)
--Send family cards via mail (at least 5)

Also, I'm planning to make some progress on longer-term goals:

--Read at least five books
--Pay off $1000 of B's student loan
--Visit two new museums
--Take two more music classes with R
--Go on a date night with B

Kind of daunting when it's all written out like that. But honestly it's not THAT much, so I can do it! (Yoda says there is no try, so I am using more positive language.)

I Am a Whiner

I've fallen into a negative thought pattern lately, whining about my troublesome child (who, frankly, is really not that much trouble in the scheme of things, being 1. an only child; 2. mentally and physically healthy; and 3. naturally an extroverted, cheerful, even-keeled person). And while I didn't post all my complaints about B on the blog (I'd like to say for the "sanctity of our relationship" or something nice sounding, but truthfully just because I knew I'd read them later and think, "Boy, I'm a bitch!"), I have certainly been thinking them (and sharing them fully with B: I know, awful).

Generally I've just been feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how my life is SO hard, enumerating all the stresses and issues I have to deal with, envying other people who seem to have the things I want but cannot get, for various reasons (which is probably partly why I wrote this post).

This is all ridiculous because I am actually very lucky and privileged, by pretty much any standard that you choose (leaving aside the fact that as an American I am already one of the world's elite). In fact, some people do envy me (the Bangladeshi migrant construction workers here, for instance: not surprising as their lives are unjustly, grindingly hard). This isn't to say that my various struggles don't count: but on the other hand, I need to have a little perspective (like by remembering that actually I am fabulously, and undeservedly, blessed).

I've been reading several books about happiness lately, and one of the suggestions for becoming a happier person is to spend time daily counting your blessings (or practicing gratitude). So B and I are going to try listing three things we are grateful for each night at dinner (we always eat dinner together as a family). It sounds kind of silly, but I hope it will help me cultivate a better attitude. It can't hurt, in any case!

Goal Progress in 2012, So Far

Back in the day I had a whole list of self improvement goals I was going to work on. Then various things popped up, I lost motivation/focus, and somehow it's the middle of July already!

Let's review:
I made a list of goals for this year, divided by month.

So far these are the ones I've accomplished (through July):
Day Trip to Pulau Ubin
Complete photo album of little R's first year
See a doctor for my heartburn
Hire a professional to do our taxes
Have a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel
Take swim classes with little R
Save $30,000 as a backup fund for emergencies etc
Go on a beach vacation with little R

I also did these (not yet scheduled):
Get antique scroll rematted
Take a river cruise
Take a music class with little R (in progress)

I did NOT:
Exercise five days a week for a month (Big fail on this one)
Give up all caffeine for two weeks
Send family cards via mail
Buy life insurance for B (I know, awful)
Lose 15 pounds (I'm still hovering around 127)
Overnight trip for anniversary (logistically not possible, will have to wait until December)
Work my way through beginning Mandarin (Book 1)
Visit a financial planner
Help my cousin visit me in Singapore (she is now not interested, so not currently possible)
Buy myself a pearl necklace

Pretty mixed results. The good news is, with the exception of the italicized goals above, I can still get everything done if I am just willing to put in the effort. I have 11 days left in July, so let's see what kind of progress I can make!

As a good start, I exercised yesterday and today (which is a huge deal, given my laziness over the last few months).

My Dark Side

I had a little meltdown today (because I'm dramatic like that) and to cope with my feelings started yelling at B. This sadly is a recurrent habit of mine (in fact, it was the impetus for one of my New Year's resolutions): I get stressed out about something, and feel overwhelmed by my feelings, and as a coping strategy decide that everything wrong is his fault. Blaming and yelling at him paradoxically makes me feel calmer and more in control of everything (at least in the moment: later I feel horribly guilty and full of shame). Of course it tends to have the opposite effect on B (since having your wife morph into a raging bitch viciously telling you that "all you do is try to ruin things for me" is not very soothing).

In a way it's just a bad habit: in other words, it's a coping strategy for dealing with stress (just like eating too much, or smoking), which has negative effects far outweighing the benefits it provides. I don't need to scream and yell (it's a choice, not a compulsion); I just do it because I get something out of it. Obviously I need to stop, because 1. it hurts others; 2. it makes me feel bad about myself; and 3. the costs of the strategy far outweigh the benefits.

I know why I do it (for the immediate soothing effect), but the interesting question really is, why does verbally abusing others (in this case, B) make me feel calm? It's pretty much a horrible thing to admit about yourself, I must say. Maybe because I feel out of control, and at least can have control over others (by causing certain emotional reactions in them)? I am not sure.

My mother did the same thing (to my father), and I think my grandmother did too (to my grandfather), so it's likely that it's in large part a learned behavior. This is one reason why I need to change my behavior--because otherwise little R will begin copying me.

I've actually made pretty good progress this year so far (this is the first incident in a long time), but obviously have a lot more work to do.

Maybe It's Good Americans Are Fat

I recently read this description of the effects of low blood sugar on aggressive behavior. Basically, exercising self control of any kind requires a lot of glucose; if you don't have glucose available, then you aren't able to be self controlled. This means you behave badly: you can't pay attention well, you become impulsive, you cope less well with stress, and you commit more crimes.

One study found 90% of the juvenile delinquents in custody had low blood sugar. Another found that by looking at the blood sugar of recently released criminals, researchers could predict with 80% accuracy who would go on to re-offend.

Having a snack (especially the sugary kind) is the best way to restore one's glucose levels and thus give yourself willpower. Americans have gotten fatter in recent years because they eat too much, consuming massive quantities of sugar (over 150 pounds annually for every man, woman and child!). Usually this is seen as a public health problem, and articles regularly appear discussing the evils of sugar. But maybe this is all wrong: by consuming so much sugar, we may be fat, but we are also more productive, peaceable, and disciplined.

A new public service message: Eat sugar and reduce crime?

101 in 1001: March Progress

I had several goals to meet in March:

• Complete photo album of little R's first year: no, but I'm working on this (more complicated than I thought). Will move to April.
• See a doctor for my heartburn: no, because I am avoiding it (I am afraid of what they will say).
• Hire a professional to do our taxes: yes!!
• Day Trip to Pulau Ubin: yes!!
• Exercise five days a week for a month: no :(

This performance was better than last month, but still not very good. The real problem was that I didn't feel like doing two of these goals at all. There is a mismatch going on here between Aspirational Grace and the actual one running around Singapore. I am not sure whether it's better to give up, and embrace the real Grace, or try harder to become an improved version of myself. My tendency is to pick the second, so I guess I will see how I fare in April. Hopefully better.

Goals for April:

• Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
• Buy life insurance for B (at least $1 million)
• Lose 15 pounds (weigh 125 pounds) (am not sure if this is actually doable, but we will see)
• Complete photo album of little R's first year
• Exercise five days a week for a month (hopefully this will help with the weight loss goal!)

I am postponing the doctor's visit for now.

Guilty Pleasures

I am always trying various self-improvement kicks, making lists or resolutions of things I need to do to be a better person. Sometimes this means I become overwhelmed by guilt and the hopelessness of it all, since becoming the person I want to be is probably literally not possible. But most of the time it's a useful trait.

There are several things that I do that I am aware are not good for me, yet I have no real interest in giving them up. I feel bad about this, but not bad enough to do anything. I think this is the definition of "guilty pleasure".

This list includes:
1. Gummy candy. I eat some almost every day, even though eating so much sugar (or rather, nasty high fructose corn syrup) is not really a good idea for my teeth, body or weight loss plans. You know it's bad when the store owner makes fun of you for your candy habit. B suggests I start telling him it's for little R: maybe once she gets a few more teeth this will be believable?

2. Caffeine. I have serious heartburn problems and recurrent insomnia, but oh do I love my coffee. I even put "Give up caffeine" on my 101 in 1001 list, but honestly that was kind of a lie. I really don't want to give up caffeine. Right now I only have 1 or 2 cups/day (usually one), and even that fills me with regret. I would really prefer to channel Balzac, who drank pots a day, if I could physically stand it.

3. Surfing the Internet. The internet is immensely useful (communication, paying bills, etc.). But it is also my biggest time-waster. I have spent hours before following one link after another, on brain-rotting topics like celebrity gossip (Celebrities Without Makeup!) or weight loss surgery (I don't need this, I just like reading about it for some bizarre, probably psychologically disturbing reason). My 101 in 1001 list also has this on it to give up, another thing I don't really want to do.

Maybe someday my willpower will improve and these bad habits will become ancient history. For now, though, it seems as if they are here to stay.

101 in 1001: February Fail

Last month I posted about the specific goals I was going to accomplish in February:


Day Trip to Pulau Ubin
Exercise five days a week for a month
Give up all caffeine for two weeks (really)

I didn't accomplish a single one. Wahp wahp.

I did make some progress on other 101 in 1001 goals (including continuing to save money, taking little R to her classes, and reading some books). But overall my performance this month was not very good. I didn't even lose any weight (though I have mostly maintained the weight I've lost so far).

Reasons for this dismal performance include:
--illness. B was sick for the first two weeks; then little R got sick on her birthday and was ill for the next week or so. Then I got sick, and am only now getting better.
--marital bickering. B being sick made me grumpy, as he was not helpful at all during this period (spending a lot of time ill in bed instead). His sickness meant he got behind in his work, so as soon as he was better he had to spend all his time catching up: no family fun or house chores in the cards. So we had a lot of fights about how unsupported I felt. (Writing this out makes me look like a pretty selfish person: yikes! I am trying to work on this.)
--laziness. Sometimes I was too sick to exercise, but for the most part I just didn't feel like it.

I have three new goals for March, and will reuse two of the February ones (I am not ready to give up my caffeine indulgences):

Complete photo album of little R's first year
See a doctor for my heartburn
Hire a professional to do our taxes
Day Trip to Pulau Ubin
Exercise five days a week for a month

I can do it! Try, try again: or as the Chinese say "Jia you!" (literally means add oil, which I think is so funny).

101 in 1001 Road Map

I love my 101 in 1001 list, and check it regularly to remind me of what my long-term goals are. Meg of Moments Like This has one too, and recently posted about her new idea, in which she assigns a particular month to each goal. I love this idea, so I'm copying it.

February 2012
Day trip to Pulau Ubin
Exercise five days a week for a month
Give up all caffeine for two weeks (really)

March 2012
Complete photo album of little R's first year
See a doctor for my heartburn
Hire a professional to do our taxes

April 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Buy life insurance for B (at least $1 million)
Lose 15 pounds (weigh 125 pounds)

May 2012
Overnight trip for anniversary, 2012
Work my way through beginning Mandarin (Book 1)
Have a Singapore Sling at the Long Bar, Raffles Hotel

June 2012
Take swim classes with little R (complete 14)
Save $30,000 as a backup fund for emergencies etc.
Visit a financial planner

July 2012
Help my cousin visit me in Singapore
Buy myself a pearl necklace
Go on a beach vacation with little R

August 2012
Take Mandarin class with little R (complete 15)
Sort, reorganize and store files
Visit family in California (2/5?)

September 2012
Tour the Goat Farm
Open a retirement account/Roth IRA
Get antique scroll rematted

October 2012
Take a river cruise
Take a music class with little R
Get up right when my alarm goes off for two weeks

November 2012
Visit all the museums in Singapore (at least 26)
Do yoga every day for a month
Work my way through intermediate Mandarin (Book 2)

December 2012
Send family cards via mail, either for a reason or no reason (at least 5)
Visit family in California (3/5?)
Get makeup professionally done

Let's see if this helps me!

Resolutions for 2012

I love making resolutions. There is something so hopeful and optimistic about the whole process, that supposes that lasting positive change is not only possible but likely.

For 2012, I am making three, one for health, one for character-building, and one for intellectual development (mind, body and spirit I suppose?).

1. Exercise at least 5 days/week. This means actual exercise of at least an hour (walking at a normal pace doesn't count). This will improve my health, physical fitness and hopefully appearance (since I'd like to lose 10 pounds).

2. Study Chinese at least 5 hours/week. I really want to improve my skills in this area, especially because I've forgotten almost everything I used to know.

3. Consider my husband's needs/desires as equal in importance to my own. I have a fairly strong personality and am very fond of getting my own way. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, when you're married there is no such thing as a successful power grab, because your happiness and well-being are bound together. If one member of the couple is unhappy, then you both are, because you are a team. I need to work on being a better team player, not only because this will make my husband happier, but because it will benefit me too.

I Feel Entitled

I am very happy with B, but like any married couple we argue from time to time. Sometimes it's over basically insoluble issues (differences in values, for instance), sometimes it's because one or both of us is tired, stressed or grumpy, and thus short-tempered. However, sometimes it's because of personality flaws (usually mine, unfortunately).

One of the benefits of being married is that it provides you with an outside observer to your most intimate behavior, who is thus a witness to every act of selfishness, laziness or dishonesty that you might commit. If you married the right person, they will bring these defects of yours to your attention (in a loving and understanding way, hopefully). While painful, this is the only way to improve as a person, and thus very important. (I do not think that being married is necessary to this process; however, daily intimate contact is.)

While I try to be a good person, I have a large number of weak points (I suppose you might call them besetting sins). I try to work on them (one of this blog's purposes, hopefully), and have made progress in some areas. But it's definitely an uphill battle.

One of my weak points in particular is feeling entitled. I was lucky enough to have very kind, loving and generous parents, who gave me not only everything I needed but everything I wanted as well, if it was practical/possible. Then I was sent to private prep schools, which both provide an excellent education and train students in the culture of the American upper middle class (which among other things, encourage you to feel yourself entitled to everything). And of course I am an American female, which means from an early age I was told that I could do anything I wanted to, and that I deserved everything to work out for me.

As a result of these experiences (or maybe just because of my particular personality), I tend to believe that I am special. I should be able to buy whatever I want, only do work that pleases me, live the lifestyle I want to live, and get my way at all times, because I deserve it! Sometimes this is a helpful attitude, because it means I have confidence in my worthiness to accomplish things, am not easily intimidated, and don't put up with people treating me badly. Sometimes, however, especially in intimate relationships, it means I tend to be selfish, insisting on getting my needs (or wants) met at the expense of others.

B is really great because he doesn't put up with this (his even more intense upper middle class prep school training probably helps him here). I have actually improved my spoiled princess mentality a lot since I met him. However, I still have a long way to go. Being a mother is definitely not compatible with being a spoiled WASP princess, so now with little R I have even more of an incentive to improve. I do wonder sometimes how to make her feel unconditionally loved and supported, and that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to, without also endowing her with a similar conundrum.

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour yoga.
--Diet: Breakfast: Cheerios with soy milk; Lunch: Chicken and rice in tomato sauce, with bread and olive oil; Snack: frappucino; Dinner: Murtabak (pancake stuffed with minced mutton, egg and onion) with curry sauce.
--Other: Drank 8 glasses water; had a frappucino.

Should I Learn to Cook?

So I can't cook. AT ALL. This is what I can do in the kitchen: scramble eggs. boil pasta. make tomato sauce. toss a salad. Also, I can make coffee. I have occasionally ventured on more ambitious projects (I have made noodle soup before, for instance, which means boiling pasta in chicken broth and adding some carrots), but usually they don't turn out well (like the infamous incident in which I attempted to make pesto but misunderstood B's directions of 1-2 cloves of garlic for 1-2 heads of garlic because I didn't know what a clove was).

This has never bothered me, because my mother (and sister) can't cook either. My dad always made all the food (baked his own bread, homemade applesauce/chili/peanut butter etc.) and B is also a really good cook. However, now that I'm a housewife, while B works 12+ hour days on a regular basis, it seems sort of ridiculous that I can't cook (since honestly cooking dinner usually takes B at least an hour).

I asked B what he thought. He said that our marriage was equivalent to a small company, and so I should focus on acquiring skills which the company lacked. Since he already knows how to cook, he thought it was inefficient for me to learn as well. Rather, I should focus on something like Korean (so I could translate data for him). This is what you get when you ask an economist something.

But I am not so sure, especially since little R needs to be fed all the time now (she eats 3 meals a day at this point). I worry that I am not feeding her a proper diet (ie enough fruits and vegetables). Also, honestly it would help my weight loss efforts if I ate a better diet (steering away from bread and mayo meals). And B usually only has time to cook dinner.

So I am considering trying to learn how to cook (at least simple vegetable dishes, no need to get fancy). However, it's pretty daunting and I have no idea where/how to start. I wish I lived in Chicago so I could join That Wife's cooking club!

Progress:
--Exercise: 1 hour at the gym.
--Diet: Breakfast: Vegetable (cabbage and mushroom) buns; Lunch: Bread with goat cheese, olive oil and tomato; Dinner: Tortillas with pork and tomato mash, lettuce and tomato; Snack: Frappucino.
--Other: Did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino.

Weight Loss Failure

I'm feeling discouraged with myself today, because over the last week I really lost momentum on my weight loss/healthy living efforts. I hadn't exercised in 4 days, I had a frappucino today AND yesterday, I've been eating badly, etc. So unsurprisingly I haven't lost any weight or gained any physical fitness.

I always have a long list of things to improve about myself, sort of ongoing personal improvement projects. While in a way this is good, because I am trying to better myself, I tend to be very self-critical. When I slack off for whatever reason, instead of doing the correct thing (which is just simply recommitting to my goals with renewed vigor), I beat myself up instead and decide that there's no point in trying further, since I have failed already. Obviously this is the best way to assure failure, but rationality is not my strong point when upset.

HOWEVER, (as part of additional self-improvement) I will not give into my internal demons of bad advice. Instead I will listen to the good angel on my shoulder and reapply myself to the positive changes I need to make. To that end, I went to the gym today (even though B had to practically shove me out the door: thanks sweetie!). Also: recommitting to my list of goals.

Progress:
--Exercise: Gym plus 30 minutes+ of walking.
--Diet: Breakfast: Focaccia with olive oil and vinegar; Lunch: Tonkatsu (breaded Japanese style pork) with sides of shredded cabbage, miso soup and rice; Snack: Goat cheese sandwich on focaccia; also some of R's cheerios; Dinner: 4.5 steamed pork dumplings and a side of cooked lettuce with garlic (Chinese style); Drinks: bubble tea, cocktail, chocolate soy milk, frappucino
--Other: did not drink 8 glasses water; one frappucino consumed

Getting Back Into Reading

I have always loved books. Even before I could read, one of my favorite things to do was look at picture books. I learned how to read (taught myself) when I was four. I can still remember looking at one of my children's books as usual, when suddenly the words came together and made sense. It was incredibly magical. I read the whole book through and understood every word except one (it was Friendship, which was a little long for me). I told my mother but she didn't believe me until I proved it to her by reading the cereal box label (I suppose because I was rather young).

Since then, I have never been without my beloved books, even when traveling or living in foreign, non-English-speaking countries. In 2002, I started recording the books I read (although there have been some gaps in there), and have averaged at least 150 books a year. Some of these were sort of trashy or "light reading" (like lots of Agatha Christie) but for the most part I try to read either serious nonfiction (history and psychology are my favorites) or serious literature.

Sadly, when we left the US in July I stopped reading. I read nothing at all for three months! And in September, I read only two books (both of which were parenting books: I am of course interested in parenting but because I have many other interests, I don't want to become someone who only thinks of herself as a mom). I think the move was so stressful that I just couldn't focus well enough to finish anything. This makes me sad, because reading is such an important part of my life and self-image, and because it makes me happy.

Now I am starting to read again (part of my self-improvement quest), and have completed three books so far this month. I plan to continue reading until I'm up to at least 10 for the month (which is sort of my minimum self-imposed standard).

Weight Loss Progress (for yesterday, since today isn't over):
--Exercise: 1 hour at the gym
--Diet: Breakfast: taro buns; Lunch: ham sandwich; Dinner: pasta with tomato sauce (homemade). I need to eat more vegetables. Drinks: two glasses lime juice, a frappucino.
--Other: Drank probably 6 glasses water: this goal is really hard for me. One frappucino: it's hard to give them up as it's a little indulgence which improves my mood whenever I'm  feeling stressed, even though they are bad for me (my cigarette equivalent perhaps?). I think I'm not going to focus on it right now though since there are so many other things to worry about.

Becoming a Better Person

Today I feel really tired. B has been very depressed lately, partly because he quit smoking about a month ago, and partly because he has a great many work-related responsibilities, and is not satisfied with his progress on them. In his job there aren't clear expectations or tasks that must be completed; rather, pretty much everything must be defined and pursued independently. This aids both excessive procrastination (nothing must be done immediately) and angst (since when there aren't any boundaries, it means you should always be working)

We haven't yet reached a stable point in Singapore where we are both satisfied with the tenor of our existence and have found a happy routine. So everything feels like a work in progress: B has a huge to do list and self improvements to make, and so do I. At the same time, I promised to help him with his to do list (since after all I am not working).

I think most of the changes we've decided to make are really positive and necessary, and we will be both happier and better people once we've done it. But I also feel a little overwhelmed, because at times I feel like caring for little R and keeping myself and the house in some semblance of order is just about as much as I want to handle. (I realize this is rather wussy, as most other people have jobs, multiple children or other responsibilities, and seem to manage a lot more than that.)

Some of the changes we've committed to:
-regular exercise (almost every day if possible) for both of us
-finishing all household settling projects (getting a printer, completely child proofing, hanging up all decorations for example)
-more productive activity (for B, this includes getting papers finished/published; for me, this includes reading (books, not the internet) more and studying my languages)
-creating a budget, tracking all our spending, and being more frugal
-having a daily/weekly routine which works for both of us (instead of creating everything from scratch constantly)
-fighting bad habits (for B, quitting smoking among other things; for me, ceasing to yell/start fights as a way to deal with general life stress, among other things)

My hope is that if we make a little progress each day, and don't get discouraged, then it will soon add up and we'll be in a better position.

Weight Loss Progress:
--Exercise: Will do yoga video tonight, as soon as I finish posting (I did in fact do the whole hour!). Did not walk for 30 min (didn't have time today).
--Diet: breakfast was half a baguette with olive oil and vinegar; Lunch: a whopper from Burger King and a small fries (bad choice: I was really pressed for time but still not good); Dinner: Pork dumpling soup; cooked water spinach (or morning glory? it's hard to tell the difference); cold tofu salad; Dessert: gummi bears (also a bad choice, they were stale and not very good); Snack: some bread with mayonnaise. Drinks: bubble tea, a cocktail. Not a good eating day: it's hard for me to feed myself when B isn't around. I should learn to cook.
--Other: Drank water but not enough: work on this; no frappucino but did have dessert.