Having a D&C in Singapore

I spent all morning at the hospital having a D&C (dilation and curettage). This is a very common procedure after miscarriage. They open your cervix to insert an instrument, which they use to scrape off the lining of the uterus (and then suction it out sometimes). Basically it's a kind of abortion, but the kind you don't have to feel guilty about (B's description).

The Internet makes it sound quite simple, so I was surprised that I had to go to the hospital and be under general anesthesia. The day started at 5:30 in the morning, when I had to wake up to take some medication after fasting all evening. I was due at the hospital at 6:45 (easy enough as we live less than 10 minutes away),

After checking in, I had to pay for the procedure's estimated cost, in advance (I will receive a refund if the cost turned out to be less than estimated). The system for maternity care in Singapore is a little strange: typically, all maternity care is NOT covered by insurance (including ours) and there is basically no way to buy maternity insurance once you are pregnant. (You can buy it, but only at least 10 months in advance, meaning you would need to pay almost a year of high premiums--probably equalling the cost of care--before using it.) Since we have to pay for everything out of pocket, it's a lucky thing that costs are much lower than they would be in the US. I ended up paying about $1500 for everything. I still felt bitter about having to pay it though, because I didn't end up with anything good (like a baby), just an avoidance of something bad (getting an infection). I can certainly think of better things to do with that money, like go on a trip somewhere!

Then I waited around for a while, first in the waiting room and then in my hospital cubicle. I slept most of the time as I was tired from getting up at such an ungodly hour (by my standards, anyway: R usually wakes up around 7). The anesthesiologist visited, the nurse prepped me and in general it was just like having surgery in the US or any other Westernized country (I had my appendix out in Taiwan. A change from Taiwan was that in Singapore there are real nurses: in Taiwan, the hospital only had nurses' aides with minimal qualifications and did not provide food. Family members were expected to provide nursing care and meals. I was very lucky B was with me!)

Eventually they took me to the operating room and had me breathe oxygen in and out through a face mask while the drugs took effect. I woke up later in the recovery room feeling tired but otherwise not too bad. The recovery is definitely nothing compared to other surgeries I have had. I was very tired from the effects of the anesthetic though, and spent most of the rest of my time at the hospital sleeping. B greeted me when I awoke, and then went off to do some work while I slept. He came to pick me up at 2 pm, at which point I was feeling well enough to go out to Burger King for some lunch.

Since then I have just been resting (for the first day the doctor told me to not do anything). I feel tired and a bit achy, but overall pretty good and even antsy to stop resting and clean the house (which is a total disaster zone; I am trying not to look at it). I think by tomorrow I should be well enough to go back to my normal routine, with some caveats (I am not supposed to have sex, go swimming or exercise for one week).

The entire procedure went very smoothly and I received excellent, if rather impersonal, care. The whole experience gives me increased confidence in the Singapore medical system, making it a good choice to have a baby here (if I am so lucky). I will see what the future holds!

I Had a Miscarriage

I went in for my follow-up scan and prenatal appointment. The news continued to be bad: the baby has not grown at all and at this point my pregnancy is considered a miscarriage. Since I still haven't had bleeding of any kind, I need to have a procedure to remove the pregnancy sac and other byproducts of pregnancy. It is currently scheduled for this Friday.

Surprisingly, I wasn't that upset to receive the news from the doctor, as I already strongly suspected this would be the case, and had already largely worked through my feelings of disappointment and depression. It was more just a confirmation of something I already knew. When I told my mother the news, though, she warned me that I might feel very sad directly after the procedure itself (she had a miscarriage herself, and had a similar procedure, so she speaks from experience), which is something I will be on the lookout for.

Even though I don't feel especially devastated, I am still disappointed. I was really looking forward to having a small baby to love and care for, and to feeling as if our family was finally complete. My main hope now is getting pregnant again as soon as possible, which is the primary reason I chose to have the procedure done (as opposed to waiting for nature to take its course, or taking a course of medications to induce bleeding).

I hope that it won't take too long (since so far I have been able to get pregnant quickly). Thankfully for me, it is possible to get pregnant right after a miscarriage; in fact, there is some evidence that getting pregnant shortly afterwards results in better outcomes. If I am lucky, I could have a baby by the middle of next year: later than I hoped, but still not that far away. This is my main consolation at the moment (besides being able to travel for Christmas with my family in the United States), so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be lucky, and won't have to wait too long for my dream to come true.

Bad News at the Prenatal Appointment

I had my first doctor's appointment for my pregnancy yesterday, which included a scan of the developing embryo.

It did not go well. The pregnancy sac is measuring at 5 weeks, but according to my memory I should be around 9 weeks pregnant. Either I made a big mistake with calculating the pregnancy, or I have what is called a "failed pregnancy". I suspect it's the latter, though I have another scan and appointment scheduled for next week, when things will become more certain.

I feel sad and very disappointed. I so wanted to be pregnant, and was really looking forward to having a second baby. My fears about this pregnancy have come true. It also feels unfair, because I have suffered through multiple weeks of feeling pregnancy-sick, and now it turns out it was all for nothing. I didn't really have an emotional attachment to the embryo in itself, but to the idea of being pregnant I definitely did, and it is so deflating to realize what I longed for isn't going to happen, at least right now.

B points out there are some upsides to the situation, such as that now I will be able to visit my family over Christmas (before I would have been too pregnant). He also tells me that since I got pregnant so quickly the first time, I will probably get pregnant again soon and it will just be like it took a little while to conceive. He is right of course, and I am trying not to get too sad and discouraged, especially because it negatively impacts the rest of the family.

Disappointment and the end of a dream are hard to deal with sometimes, though.

Nine Weeks Pregnant

I am still pregnant. I still haven't seen the doctor yet (they do not like to see you earlier than eight weeks here, apparently: my first appointment is next week), which is one reason perhaps I keep thinking perhaps I am imagining the whole thing and I'm not really pregnant. Or I'm in denial for some sort of convoluted psychological reason. I kept taking pregnancy tests until B told me to stop as I was being ridiculous. I think I feel worried about not being pregnant because I so want the opposite to be true. Hopefully my appointment next week (at which I should be able to hear the heartbeat) will make me feel better and less fearful (especially as the odds of miscarriage once there's a heartbeat are quite low, around 5 percent).

Baby is now the size of a grape (per BabyCenter's rather strange fruit analogies) and I have been SO TIRED. I spent most of yesterday sleeping: slept all day while R was at school, picked her up, turned her over to B as soon as possible, slept some more, then ate dinner and went to bed early. Today I felt better, though: it varies tremendously day by day. Other than that, I still have little interest in food with the exception of sweets of all varieties, which also seems to be the only thing I can reliably keep down (other foods tend to make me vomit). I haven't even been interested in coffee and rarely finish my morning cup any more.

We told R about the new baby several weeks ago (shortly after we found out, really, under the premise that if something did happen I would be upset and thus need to explain things to her anyway). She is excited about being a "big sister", at least in theory. I expect that once the downsides of having a infant sibling become clearer, she will not be so enthusiastic. For now, though, it's really cute to hear her talk about "her baby" and how she plans to help me with it. The downside of telling her is that she told all her teachers at school (and everyone else she knows) I was pregnant, meaning I had to disclose it to them earlier than I would have liked. Preschoolers are not known for their discretion, I guess.

When I am not doubting the actuality of my pregnancy, I am wondering if it will be a girl or a boy. I can't decide if I have a preference or not. With R, I did: I passionately wanted a girl, and was so happy to learn my wish came true. Sometimes I think I would rather have a girl, so that I can have two girls (supposedly the maximally happy family arrangement) and R can have the pleasure of having a sister. Other times I think that having a boy would be more interesting, since I've already had a girl, and it would be a new experience. Plus my sister (who is expecting her second in October) is going to have two girls, and it would be nice to have a boy in the family, making him more special. In any case, I want to know as soon as possible to prepare myself and enable daydreaming about my future hopefully happy family life. Too bad I still have a while to wait!

Oh Right...I Hate Being Pregnant

I forgot in my drive to have another baby about the unpleasantness involved: as in, I don't like being pregnant. So far it's been a rediscovery/remembering of all the things I hated last time: feeling constantly slightly ill, being exhausted all the time, watching your body uncontrollably change into something (to me, anyway) really unattractive...

I also forgot how boring I find pregnancy, which is one reason I never recorded anything about my pregnancy with R. There is so much waiting involved (something I hate!) It certainly does not make me feel special or powerful, but rather the opposite. I have almost no control over the entire process, including whether I get to have a successful pregnancy or not. And I am doing something so common that the vast majority of mammals do it, generally more productively (as in, they produce more offspring and are pregnant more often) than me. Last time I felt as if I were downgrading, reduced to the same denominator as a brood mare or a cow.

This is a pretty negative view of pregnancy, which is ungrateful considering 1. how much I wanted to be pregnant and 2. all the people who can't get pregnant for whatever reason. But if you can't be whiny and ungrateful on your anonymous blog, where can you?

The thing I most like about pregnancy (planning about the future) I haven't been able to do because this pregnancy doesn't seem fully real to me. I keep taking pregnancy tests even though all my symptoms are marked and obvious. And when I do think about being pregnant, I keep worrying that I will have a miscarriage. Perhaps I am reacting this way because it was "too easy" to get pregnant, after all my angst on the subject? I am not sure.

Symptoms so far include exhaustion (I am SO TIRED), tender, larger breasts, vomiting, nausea, lack of appetite, and dizziness. Pregnancy is kind of unfair, because if I weren't pregnant I would assume I was ill and take to my bed with lots of medicine. But I'm "just pregnant" so there is no cure, no worthwhile medicine, and life as usual. Hopefully I will be better soon: I remember the first trimester last time was bad, but things improved as my pregnancy advanced.

Thoughts on Unplanned Pregnancy

I am saying that I am six weeks pregnant: in actuality, however, this is a guess because I didn't record the first day of my last period. The same thing happened this time that happened with my pregnancy with R: I assumed it would take a while to get pregnant so didn't bother to record my first period after going off birth control, but then I got pregnant immediately.

This is really a testament to the effectiveness of birth control, because despite getting pregnant immediately both times I tried (the second at the relatively advanced age of nearly 37) I have never otherwise been pregnant or close to it, even though I've been sexually active since 19. A little luck is of course involved (since birth control is "only" 99% effective), but for the most part this is just because I am not an idiot and know how to read and follow directions.

I have read that more than half of US pregnancies are "unplanned" which has always struck me as craziness. If you are fertile, then having sex without properly using birth control means you are accepting the possibility of getting pregnant. That is planned (although maybe also in denial). It is bewildering to me that anyone would make such a serious decision without thinking about it carefully, considering how cheap and safe birth control is (especially when compared to the alternative of pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing). Either the US is largely populated by people unable to think logically or incapable of long-range planning, or something else is going on, like people who secretly want to get pregnant, are not supposed to for some reason, and use the "unplanned" category as an excuse, either to others or more interestingly to themselves (this is the case with my sister in law, who despite having a PhD in science has had two "unplanned" pregnancies). I can think of all other sorts of reasons for "unplanned" pregnancies (sexual guilt, embarrassment, even sexual violence), none of which actually have to do with a lack of planning. "Unplanned" seems like a misnomer.

I am certainly very glad to live in times which make the concept of an unplanned pregnancy obsolete (because even in the very rare and unlikely event that birth control fails, there is always abortion). While people throughout history have always wanted to control their pregnancies (judging by their constant use of various birth control methods ranging from the highly effective to the dubious) it hasn't been until recently that this dream was a reality. The amount of suffering caused by not being able to control one's fertility has been (and still is, in some parts of the world) immense, and I am so grateful for modern technology in this respect.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I am feeling quite tired, though not as much as I did the first time around (for the first few months, literally all I did was go to work and sleep), perhaps because I am not working. The nausea is somewhat better as well, though I still suffer from it (threw up three times today). It makes eating somewhat challenging, as I tend to throw up all real food and only can reliably keep down sugar-based junk (like gummies: this was also the case with R).

Updates: I Am Pregnant

I just learned I am pregnant with my second child. I am really happy about this, because I have been longing for a second one since R was around two-and-a-half (R is 4 now), and for the last year in particular. We actually started trying in December of 2013, briefly, but then I had my mental breakdown and all such plans had to be tabled until I was more stable. Since the beginning of this year I have been much better, but B was very hesitant about having a second child at this time. In the end I convinced him (mostly because he saw how sad not having one was making me, rather than because of the intrinsic merits of having a second child right now). We started trying a month ago and to my surprise (since I am 36, almost 37) I got pregnant immediately.

I didn't start blogging until R was already born, so I think it would be nice to record more permanently what being pregnant was like (at least the second time around). I also miss blogging and regret not recording R's current preschooler cuteness more thoroughly. She is a delight to both B and me, as well as one of our favorite topics of conversation (we are those people, who like to sit around discussing their children even when enjoying childfree time).

R is currently learning to swim (she can swim about six feet so far), write (so far she can only write Os, Es and Ts, but is trying her best), recognize letters and numbers, sing in Mandarin and cook (with her father's help: she recently made cupcakes for everyone in her class). She is outgoing, cheerful, energetic and confident, and while sometimes she tires me out or maddens me, she is a constant source of joy.

Since our trip to Japan, we haven't traveled much. We went to Malaysian Borneo for a stay at the Shangri La, which has an onsite nature reserve complete with baby orphaned orangutans, for B's birthday, to Batam's Holiday Inn for a weekend yet again, and to Phuket, Thailand for a long weekend to celebrate Mother's Day. All three trips were to fancy resorts, which while relaxing is not very exciting. We don't have any firm future travel plans yet, but we may go for an extended trip to the US this summer, followed by another stop in Japan, this time to Kyoto.

Body After Baby

Seven months after having a baby, and how is my body doing?

The Good: I gained about 40+ pounds during my pregnancy (and you can tell from the photos of my pudgy face!). After our trip to the US, I now weigh 137, which is about the same that I did before (135). I wear the same size and most of my old clothes fit. I didn't get any stretch marks (thanks Mom for your genes!) or scars (no C section), so my body looks basically the same.

The Bad: My stomach sticks out more even though I'm not fatter, I think because the muscles aren't back to full strength. It's not as tight as it used to be: I really need to do situps/pilates. I still have some vaginal sensitivity where I tore (even though it was a very slight tear), although it doesn't hurt anymore. Also, I'm not as tight down there.

The Equivocal: I am still breastfeeding, so it's hard to make a final judgment about my breasts. Right now they are definitely bigger (C cup to DD/E cup) (why not all of my clothes fit, my chest is too big!), which does not please me as I thought they were too big to start with. They aren't very much droopier, but I will have to wait until after breastfeeding is over to really tell (and the chances aren't looking good); of course, breasts naturally droop over time anyway and I'm aging as I type, so there is that. The nipples and areola are also much bigger. Also, my body can't sleep more than 4 hours or so in a row: I wake up, even if little R is sleeping soundly.

On the whole, my body came through pregnancy/birth pretty well this time. It probably helped that I was pretty active and (relatively) young: I bet if I had children when I was 25, I would have done even better though.

Saturday night

I didn't post last night since I was so ill, coughing and throwing up and just generally miserable: I'm not sure if it was my illness or pregnancy or both. Today I am feeling better (Mom bought me some Robitussin which is my new favorite medicine) and hopefully on the mend.

I just did a pregnancy calculator online which suggested that I might be due in the middle of February (only a guesstimate since I was stupid and didn't record when my period was, since I thought it would take longer to get pregnant and I didn't need to), and am 8 weeks pregnant! Yikes, that is faster than I thought and I am not really pleased. I was hoping for a later date (somehow I had decided the middle of March) and less pregnant than that. I don't feel ready yet to be 2 months pregnant! I guess I will just have to wait until I see the doctor to confirm the actual date since I wasn't prepared enough.

I've been feeling kind of nauseous all evening. I wonder if this is a sign of things to come, or just my sickness back again? I am going to rest now, since I am getting my hair done tomorrow morning and must get up at a reasonable hour.

Notes on Wednesday Evening

1. My sickness has not improved at all: in fact, it may be worse. It is not actually serious, just annoying because I am constantly coughing and feel like I can't breathe properly. Stupid semi-asmtha.

2. The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now I have to arrange prenatal care for myself, buy prenatal vitamins, tell everyone, and try and take care of myself.

3. I miss B.

4. I am in debt due to: moving; B.'s trip to Japan (since he doesn't make anything until the middle of August, so I had to buy the plane ticket, his clothes and supplies and give him living expense money); visiting B. in LA; buying tickets to my aunt's wedding; buying B. the fancy computer; buying two bikes (one for me, one for B.), mostly at B.'s desire; and clothes shopping for me. I find this depressing and worrisome, especially because I won't be out of debt until September (and this is barring unforeseen circumstances). I hate owing money. Never again will I spend before I have it, even when money is definitely assured of coming eventually. It was a bad idea. I just got carried away with the idea of not being really, really broke any more.

Still sick

I am still sick which is discouraging. I did go to work all day, where I was very productive despite my cold. Maybe I tired myself out, because by the time evening came I was feeling worse and even threw up. I ate ham for dinner, which disagreed with me even though usually I love ham.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow evening after work, so I will find out then if I am actually pregnant and what I should be doing. I am looking forward to having any uncertainty be over, and to having an authority give me guidance about what I should do. I am also worried that me being sick is a bad sign, so I want input about that as well. Things to ask: 1. Am I pregnant? 2. What can I eat? 3. What kinds of exercise can I do? 4. What medicines can I take? (like can I have tylenol, since it would improve my cold symptoms) 5. Is my sickness going to cause a deformed baby? 6. Can I color my hair? 7. When should I get all the various tests done (girl vs. boy, genetic testing)? 8. What doctor should I pick? That's all I can think of at the moment.

Sick sick sick

I spent all day being sick and exhausted today. I have a cold which I caught from B before he left (boo!), meaning my nose is stuffy, I cough and feel generally sub-par. I'm not sure if it's being pregnant or the cold but I feel totally totally exhausted and spent several hours sleeping. Even so, now that it's 9:47 I feel ready to go back to bed. I'm just so tired that it's kind of incredible.

I did manage to finish two books today though, one on Chinese naval exploration during the early Ming dynasty (Zheng He, the original Sinbad the Sailor, is a very interesting character), and one on body language and what it means.

I know that fatigue is common in early pregnancy but I hope this is mostly just the cold since otherwise it's going to be an exhausting several months (without coffee). On the bright side, I haven't been nauseous at all (except for one time when I ate a fried chicken sandwich from Burger King while traveling: so disgusting), which is certainly lucky (though there's lots of time left to experience it). I have had acid reflux but since I frequently suffered from that before I was pregnant, it's not much of a change. I still haven't told my parents or anyone else yet because I want to go to the doctor first. I am having a hard time believing I am actually pregnant and keep thinking I am making it up (even though I took three pregnancy tests, all with the same result). I want someone official to confirm it before I make it real by telling others.

I'm Pregnant

I haven't posted anything on here in forever: apparently blogging does not satisfy me particularly. Actually I think it's because things have been so intense and crazy (not in a bad way, just really busy). Since I posted last, I got a job in the Bay Area and moved up here to start it, deciding not to go to Japan for the summer; B and I did long-distance with me traveling down to LA every weekend; we started trying for a baby; B. finished his PhD (congratulations B! you are so awesome!!) and graduated; we moved out of our apartment in LA and into a storage unit (reminding me yet again of how terrible it is to move: I'm so happy it's done); I found out I was pregnant; B left for Japan (just this morning, so I still feel a little sad since he'll be away until the end of September).

Now that B is off in Tokyo and I am settled in here, hopefully things will be more calm and relaxing. I am pretty adjusted to work now, and like it: the people are nice, I am appreciated, the hours and location are good. But I guess things aren't going to be too calm, since now I will be focusing on being pregnant and all that goes along with it.

I haven't seen the doctor yet (hopefully it will be this coming week) or told anyone except B. I really wanted to get pregnant, and was sure that it would take months, so getting pregnant within two months was a pleasant surprise. But it is a little overwhelming, because it's going to be such a change, and because having a new baby is going to be combined with many other changes (like the fact we will be moving to Singapore for three years, or that I will be becoming a housewife, or that B will have a high-powered, high-paying, high-stress job). This makes me nervous about our minds imploding from acculumated stress of all these transitions. There isn't really an easy solution though, since 1. I'm not getting any younger and want children; 2. we are already committed to Singapore; 3. I don't want to work if I have a small baby and if so, then B needs to make the big bucks (or at least a little bit big) and 4. I am, after all, already pregnant. So I will just have to take care of myself and make things as simple for myself as possible, so that I can take care of B and the baby when he/she arrives.

Right now I am focusing my worry on eating right. Reading about pregnancy I see that I am supposed to eat right, and many people list all kinds of dire consequences if I don't. But I don't really understand what is involved in "eating right": everyone seems to disagree, and since I can't cook, it is especially daunting. I wish B was here for this reason alone, since he is both really smart and a fabulous cook, and all I would have to do is eat. I guess the best thing to do is to get my doctor's confirmation and then tell my parents. Since I am living with them while B is away, it will be easy to have them help take care of me (my mom is a nurse and my dad is a great cook who loves feeding me: in my family cooking is a male activity). B told me not to stress about it, that as long as I am not chugging alcohol or taking drugs it doesn't matter that much. Of course he is right, people are too paranoid (after all, my grandmother ate a diet of pretty much only rice during her pregnancy with my father on the advice of a quack doctor, and he was fine). But then I think how guilty I would feel if I had permanently damaged my baby by eating too many jelly beans and I get nervous.

I guess this is good preparation for actually being a parent, when you get all kinds of stupid unsolicited advice/criticism whose main thrust seems to be to make you feel inadequate and guilty. I need to start developing a healthy disregard for parental paranoia so that I don't become one of those neurotic parents who are constantly worried about germs or trauma.