Nine Weeks Pregnant

I am still pregnant. I still haven't seen the doctor yet (they do not like to see you earlier than eight weeks here, apparently: my first appointment is next week), which is one reason perhaps I keep thinking perhaps I am imagining the whole thing and I'm not really pregnant. Or I'm in denial for some sort of convoluted psychological reason. I kept taking pregnancy tests until B told me to stop as I was being ridiculous. I think I feel worried about not being pregnant because I so want the opposite to be true. Hopefully my appointment next week (at which I should be able to hear the heartbeat) will make me feel better and less fearful (especially as the odds of miscarriage once there's a heartbeat are quite low, around 5 percent).

Baby is now the size of a grape (per BabyCenter's rather strange fruit analogies) and I have been SO TIRED. I spent most of yesterday sleeping: slept all day while R was at school, picked her up, turned her over to B as soon as possible, slept some more, then ate dinner and went to bed early. Today I felt better, though: it varies tremendously day by day. Other than that, I still have little interest in food with the exception of sweets of all varieties, which also seems to be the only thing I can reliably keep down (other foods tend to make me vomit). I haven't even been interested in coffee and rarely finish my morning cup any more.

We told R about the new baby several weeks ago (shortly after we found out, really, under the premise that if something did happen I would be upset and thus need to explain things to her anyway). She is excited about being a "big sister", at least in theory. I expect that once the downsides of having a infant sibling become clearer, she will not be so enthusiastic. For now, though, it's really cute to hear her talk about "her baby" and how she plans to help me with it. The downside of telling her is that she told all her teachers at school (and everyone else she knows) I was pregnant, meaning I had to disclose it to them earlier than I would have liked. Preschoolers are not known for their discretion, I guess.

When I am not doubting the actuality of my pregnancy, I am wondering if it will be a girl or a boy. I can't decide if I have a preference or not. With R, I did: I passionately wanted a girl, and was so happy to learn my wish came true. Sometimes I think I would rather have a girl, so that I can have two girls (supposedly the maximally happy family arrangement) and R can have the pleasure of having a sister. Other times I think that having a boy would be more interesting, since I've already had a girl, and it would be a new experience. Plus my sister (who is expecting her second in October) is going to have two girls, and it would be nice to have a boy in the family, making him more special. In any case, I want to know as soon as possible to prepare myself and enable daydreaming about my future hopefully happy family life. Too bad I still have a while to wait!