Mothers' Nights Out

After I wrote this post, it worried me. Then I re-read it and decided it's awful as I sound like such a smug, spoiled person. I thought about deleting it but after all I thought it at the time (at least for 20 minutes, which is how long I usually spend writing posts), so I will leave it here anyway. Sorry if it annoyed you! It annoys me too, now.

It's commonly accepted that parents don't get to go out at night. This is such a cliche that it's a staple of TV comedies and it seems like most Americans accept it as a commonplace: you have kids, and thus have no adult social life (barring occasional date nights if you are lucky enough to have a reliable babysitter or family close by).

This is totally not true for me. I go out all the time with my friends. Looking back at the last month, I went out at least once a week (and often more): dinners, cooking class, drinks, book clubs...If anything, I go out more now than I did before R was born (because I want the mental break more after baby wrangling all day long; plus we have more money now so I don't have to be as conscious of my recreational spending). And in this I am typical for expats here (obviously, since I'm not going out by myself); in fact, I go out less than  average. 

Partly this is probably a function of the special childcare situation here: most people never have to worry about finding a babysitter (since they have a full-time, live-in maid) and are thus free to go out every single evening if they feel like it. But after all I have no maid, so I don't think that's really the full explanation. 

For me it's incredibly simple. R always takes a bath with B directly after dinner, he changes her into pajamas,  I read her 1-3 books and then lights out and into her crib. The bath can take quite a while (it's their bonding time so they play all sorts of games in there) but everything else is about 10 minutes, so anyone could do it (let alone highly capable B). When she was younger and still nursing as part of the bedtime routine, it was more complicated (I had to pump and leave supplies: what a hassle; plus she disliked this and would cry a lot), but that was really only for the first year. After that, though she was still nursing, she could have cows' milk as necessary.

So all that's seemingly required for an active social life as a mother is an agreeable husband. (I know some people lack this--single mothers, for instance--but that doesn't explain the near-universal cliche of parents staying at home all the time). Why don't all mothers go out? Even if your husband works late or travels, it's the rare person who isn't home at least half the time. 

Maybe it's just a cultural expectation: Americans expect both parents to stay at home and give up virtually all their adult social lives, while expats (most of whom here aren't American) don't? Maybe B is just a really indulgent husband? If I go out more than twice in a week he gets a bit grumbly, but otherwise doesn't mind, even when I come home drunk at 1 am (this happened once, don't worry!).

I feel like I'm missing something.

Life Lately

I don't have anything special to write, so here's some things on my mind lately:

--R started "real" school yesterday. It's in the mornings (9-12) which means slightly earlier days for both of us (she is a late sleeper and almost never wakes up before 8 am, often sleeping in even later). One hour of school is Mandarin immersion. I was nervous about the change, but she had a great time the first day, even though she had all new classmates and mostly new teachers (there are 3). Actually I think she likes the bigger class (she's very social)!

--If I sign R up for the school "bus", I will have 8:30-12:20 or so free three days a week! I haven't had that much free time during the day since she was born. Now that I have reliable childcare (as opposed to occasional help) I can start thinking about pursuing other projects. Some possibilities: yoga/pilates class, studying Mandarin... Hopefully I will start making progress on the 101 in 1001 list again (has been in a slump as of late). R will probably start going 5 days/week early next year, at which point I'm going to look into part time work opportunities (exciting!!!)

--We have to move out of our apartment into the just-completed University housing complex. I hate moving. Luckily we don't have a ton of stuff, but it's still a horrible and time-consuming process (and I will have to do everything as B is too busy). Move-out/move-in date is probably around 20th December (and directly afterwards we will fly to the US, for extra chaos). Our lease here isn't actually up until mid-January, so a lot of finagling is going to be required. At least no international moves are involved this time.

--I signed up for a cooking class with a friend of mine. First one was last night: I made carmelized onion goat cheese tarts, which were actually really good. I might even be able to duplicate them again at home. It's a lot easier to make things when someone is there to tell you exactly what "blanching" and "carmelized" and "julienne" mean.

--My sister is still pregnant (the baby is a week "late" now). I'm sad I can't be there :( but excited, for her and to meet a new member of our family. I hope everything goes well for her and that the adjustment isn't too bad. Sometimes she has a hard time with change.

What's going on with you?

Trying to Learn to Cook, Part 1

I actually made lunch for R, twice!! and it was pretty tasty. It was a bean salad (she likes beans) and I used this recipe as recommended.

It was pretty much the easiest food you could possibly make (no actual cooking involved) but I was still surprised at how troublesome chopping vegetables into tiny pieces is (which is what "diced" means: you probably knew that already but I was a little unclear and had to look it up). The whole time I was doing it I kept thinking that this is the kind of mundane, pointless task that should be automated. Maybe there's a machine for it already and I just don't know it? If so, tell me what it is! I hate all manual labor.

I didn't use any paprika the first time (bugs had gotten into ours: things spoil much quicker here due to the climate), and substituted apple cider vinegar for red wine vinegar (which the grocery store was out of). I also didn't read the recipe carefully (cooking is tricky!), so didn't buy celery. The second time I followed the recipe exactly. It tasted fine either way.

I still need to buy a rice cooker and maybe a toaster oven (R has been ill or on school break, so I haven't had any time to shop yet) as the next step for using some of the other suggestions.

My next goal is to make an omelette. I am planning on trying this recipe per Gigi's suggestion (except with oil instead of butter, since I'm allergic. Hopefully it won't ruin everything?).

Staying at Home with a Toddler Is No Fun

Life lately has been really boring, because R has been sick for the last week with a bad cold. She infected me too, so the two of us have mostly been hanging out around the house feeling sick and fretful. I had to cancel everything this week (that's two afternoons at school, one swim lesson, one trip to the zoo, two playdates, and "free play" afternoon at the Reggio Emilia atelier).

R is fairly good at amusing herself, but only for limited periods. Let's say she spends 30 minutes looking at her books, 30 minutes playing imaginary games, and 60 minutes doing "house explorations" (stuff like running around with the mop pail on her head). If we are at home all day, that means the other eight hours of waking time are still unaccounted for: yet R is now bored of her own company. We couldn't even really go outside, either because she was too ill, or because the pediatrician told me she was probably infectious and should avoid other children.

I amused her by letting her watch much more TV than usual (I introduced her to Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and My Neighbor Totoro, which are both incredibly awesome and wonderful for small children). We also did a lot of coloring, reading books, playing with light/lanterns left over from the festival and playing with water (R loves water in all its forms, from washing hands to swimming, sadly off-limits currently). And there's always "helping" me with house chores (R is very enthusiastic if not skilled).

But I am not a fan of this variety of stay-at-home parenthood. I honestly wonder how other parents do it without going insane (because I know our usual jam-packed schedule is rather unusual).

Adventures in Feeding My Child

I'm trying to feed R better (and myself, because she's getting old enough to notice I am eating gummies for dinner).

Success has been kind of mixed. B was willing to go along with it (like with giving up meat), so I went food shopping. Based on some of the comments from the original post, I bought many packets of frozen vegetables (in particular spinach, one of my favorite foods). I also bought quinoa, (canned) beans, (canned) tomatoes, cottage cheese, mushrooms, and eggs. And I've been making an effort to buy fresh fruit more often (troublesome because it only lasts a few days in this climate). I still haven't had a chance to buy a rice cooker, but that's next on the agenda.

So far we've had many different healthy meals. B made them, so they were real dishes with many kinds of spices and ingredients. They included garbanzos and quinoa with carrots and one was quinoa, sweet potato and spinach. We also ate spinach and egg omelettes, pasta with fresh tomato sauce, mushroom and black beans with wraps, mushroom and goat cheese sandwiches, Asian-style noodles and vegetables, etc. R ate most of this (though she refused to eat quinoa the first two times, and the third ate it, but with a look of reproach when it was served, and only after covering the whole thing in parmesan cheese. Not a fan, apparently).

Basically, I went shopping and then talked my husband into cooking for me. So we've been eating more healthfully, but the basic problem (of me being incompetent to feed my child) has not been addressed.

B did teach me how to make easy Asian-style stir fry (so maybe I will make it next week). And I made R eggs for breakfast twice! (This is really big, I assure you). I've been trying to follow Jessica's advice to include a grain, protein, veggie and dairy for each meal (though for breakfast I count fruit as a veggie: it seems too sad to give R spinach first thing in the morning).

I don't really have good motivation to make dinner (since B is so much better at it). But maybe I can try to make lunch (like, a real lunch rather than from a can) once a week? and then work up?

Someone recommended the Daily Garnish as a possible recipe source, and it seems very helpful. I think I will try the suggested bean salad on Friday (tomorrow is too busy). Let's see how it goes!

Daily Schedule: Little R at 18 Months

It's that time again! (I did others at 4 months, 8 months and 12 months). There's some variation now, as R goes to school twice a week (I'm increasing it to three times starting next week), but otherwise this is a pretty typical day.

7:30 B's alarm goes off, waking me. R is still silent so I hide under the covers and gloat in the rare glory of getting to stay in bed longer than him.

8:10 R is making noises. I get up and go into see her. She is standing in her crib, giving me directions about changing her diaper. She's probably been awake for a little while, but typically she will quietly amuse herself in the crib for 10-30 minutes before summoning me (partly because I never fetch her before 8 unless she is screaming).

8:10-8:30 I change R's diaper: a huge poopy mess. Then I nurse her (she usually nurses twice a day now). She doesn't finish though, because B comes in to say goodbye and she gets distracted. Daddy is so much fun!

8:35 B leaves. R stays in her room organizing stuff, reading books, and playing with her toys. I get dressed, put on makeup, brush my hair and generally get ready. Then I go into the living room and look at the Internet.

9:00 R comes out to see me. She asks if she can watch Dora (No.) and then goes to play with her toys instead. I start making coffee and getting breakfast ready.

9:10 R is bored of playing. It's time for breakfast!

9:15 We eat. R has Cheerios with raisins and whole milk, I eat rice cakes with peanut butter and jam (because we don't have enough Cheerios for two people). She will only eat with a spoon now, so it takes her a long time. I read while she eats.

9:45 R is done eating. I know this because she starts trying to dump food on the floor. I wipe off her hands and face, dust off the Cheerio bits, and take her to get dressed for the day.

9:50 I dress R. I give her two outfits to choose from: today it's a white ruffled top and khaki pants.

9:55 R is dressed, fed and cleaned: we are officially ready to start the day.

10-11 R amuses herself while I do laundry, dishes, clean up the mess from breakfast, look at the Internet and do some crossword puzzles. I try calling my parents but they aren't home (it's early evening in the US).

11 R is getting a little bored, so she starts climbing on me as I sit at the computer. We watch her beloved Gummy Bear video twice: she is obsessed with it and would probably watch it 50 times in a row if I let her. But twice is enough.

11:10 Time to go out. I cycle the laundry, change R's diaper, pack the diaper bag, put R's shoes on (she picks the white ones), and stick her in the stroller. Then we walk to the mall.

11:30-12:15 At the mall. I go to the natural foods grocery store (for fancy chocolate for me and juice packs for R) and the regular grocery store. I rather disapprove of buying these juice packs, because I think R should eat regular people food. But she loves them and can eat them without making a mess, so they are the perfect on-the-go snack. She gets one now to give her something to do while I shop (she dislikes both the stroller and grocery shopping).

12:15 Shopping is done and stowed in the stroller. R and I go out to lunch at a cheap Italian restaurant (Pastamania) because I like it and B doesn't.

12:45 Lunch is over. R and I have to take a taxi home because it's pouring (when it rains here, it pours and you can get drenched in a couple minutes).

12:50 We are home. I unpack the stroller, put the food away, and change R's diaper. Then I nurse her (because she didn't finish eating before and I am uncomfortable).

1:10 R is in bed sleeping. I go to my computer: banking stuff, bill payment stuff, correspondence, planning the activities for R and I for this/next week. I look at some fun websites too.

2:15 R is still sleeping. I start the ironing.

2:45 Ironing is finished. I fold some clean clothes and cycle the laundry.

3:00 R is still sleeping. I do some more crossword puzzles. Then I read my book about Poland.

3:40 R wakes up. This was a longer nap than usual: she is probably tired from our trip to Kuala Lumpur.

3:45 I get R up. It's time for us to go out.

3:50 We catch a taxi. R sits in the middle with a seatbelt on (sometimes she will do this, though usually she prefers to sit on my lap instead). She amuses herself by playing with my purse and wallet.

4:15 We arrive at our destination, a play gym. This one is basically a very large padded room with different large toys (exercise balls, scooters/toy cars) and play structures (slides, padded tunnels) scattered throughout. R runs around exploring and getting other children to push her on the toy cars. I talk to the other mothers there (it's a scheduled meeting at the play gym, so I know a bunch of them) but must watch R carefully. This isn't because I am worried for her safety. It's because she and the other children are not yet socially reliable (meaning when left to their own devices, pleasant social interaction is only sporadic). I break up a couple tug-of-wars over toys, prevent a spoiled 3.5 year old from bullying R, make sure R doesn't smush a 7-month-old through clumsiness and over-enthusiasm, etc. At some point R gets hungry and comes to sit next to me and have a snack (animal crackers and another juice pack). Then she goes back to playing.

5:10 R is tired of playing and many of the other children have left. It's time to go home (R lets me know by getting our shoes out of the cubby and bringing them to me).

5:20 We are in the taxi after only a short wait (yes! at this time of day the wait can be as long as 30 minutes).

5:35 Back at our complex. We wander around the common area so R can examine everything (this means I follow her around as she explores, so that I can interfere whenever she does something unsafe/forbidden/rude). She spends a long time watching some older Japanese boys play some card game (the Japanese version of Magic? They were speaking Japanese only so I wasn't sure).

5:55 We go into the apartment. R immediately wants to watch the Gummy Bear video again, so we do, three times. Then she watches a little bit of Dora.

6:25 R is bored of Dora (it's a bad episode, about Christmas. I know because I usually watch all of them with her, even if I sometimes cheat by reading simultaneously.). It's time to go anyway. I change R's diaper first.

6:30 We leave to meet B for dinner.

6:45 We go out to Taiwanese food with B (he's leaving for Japan tomorrow and thus didn't have time to cook. I don't cook ever.). R is fussy so we have to amuse her instead of conversing. Once the food comes she's displeased because 1. it's too hot and 2. she wants to use chopsticks to eat it, like we are doing, but lacks the necessary skills. Eventually the food cools down and she deigns to use a spoon instead, so I get to enjoy my dinner after all.

7:30-7:45 We walk home together chatting. B says goodbye to us in the elevator as he has to go out to do more work.

7:50 I skip R's bath tonight (this is usually her father's responsibility) and just change her diaper and dress her in her pajamas. We read three books together (Blueberries for Sal, Go Dogs Go and a book my parents got in France), then diaper Baby (a doll of Zora's: she loves dressing/diapering/feeding it) and put her to bed. Then we collect R's necessary night-time objects (the elephant feely, a water bottle, a stuffed rabbit).

8:10 I nurse R and put her in bed. Lights out, air conditioner on, and curtains closed. She goes right to sleep.

After that, I blog, look at the Internet, finish the laundry, do the dishes, tidy the house, and read about Poland some more. If B were home I would go to the gym also. Bedtime is at 12 midnight so that's a fair amount of personal time, really. R almost always sleeps through the night, so I won't hear from her until tomorrow morning.

Bad Parenting Day: What Went Wrong

Today was not a very good parenting day, and now that it's done I am totally exhausted. How things went wrong:

1. I woke up with a bad attitude. I got up with R as always, went through the whole usual morning routine, and then like always went to wake up B. But instead of continuing on with the day, I crawled back into bed and hid there (making B get up with R instead). I didn't really sleep: I just couldn't face the thought of yet another day doing more of the same toddler stuff.

2. R is into everything, all the time. Eventually I had to get up. I made breakfast and fed R, running around doing the usual million-chores-at-once thing. I made myself coffee, and was waiting to drink it until she was fed, cleaned and safely playing: but just as I was almost ready, R decided to climb up on one of the dining room chairs to see what I was doing and accidentally knocked over the very large cup of coffee, spilling it all over the just-washed clothes there (waiting for me to iron them).

3. I lost my temper, and screamed at her. Because this is only the third or fourth time this has happened, R was really upset and burst into tears immediately. Bad parenting choice, especially because she hadn't actually done anything naughty (she is allowed to be on the chairs, and knocking the cup over was an accident). We made up (she needed some hug time after the trauma) but it still sucked.

4. I didn't plan anything for today. Usually we are very busy, but I neglected to make any plans for this weekend. That means we just hung out at home, which I dislike. It means more housework for me (as R is home all day to make a mess), more boredom (as I can't do any of the house-based activities I enjoy, like reading, and am not out experiencing other things), and a harder time parenting (because R then bothers me to entertain her, which means I am constantly redirecting her/going over the rules for behavior etc.). For one day it's fine, as R enjoys the rare opportunity to play with her toys, but after a few days of it, things become sticky.

5. R has a cold. This means she is whinier and more fussy than usual, and her ability to tolerate frustration (generally in the form of me not allowing her to do stuff) is much smaller.

The day wasn't all bad: R and I went for a walk around the condo in the morning, and in the afternoon, swimming, which we both enjoyed; we talked to my parents via Skype; B and I had a good conversation while R was napping. But mostly it was one of those days that seems like it will never end.

Tomorrow R has a playdate in the morning, preschool in the afternoon, and I am leaving the house early to attend a class, so things should be a lot better. I guess I will see!

Hurricane R Is Coming Through

In general I am a tidy person: I like things to be orderly. Everything has a place, and that's where it lives: no messy piles, clutter everywhere, or disorganization.

So in the past my house was always quite neat (if not necessarily clean, because I hate cleaning, especially floors), even with an extremely slobby husband.

But then Hurricane R came to town. She loves exploring the house, which means pulling everything out of its place, then leaving it on the floor. At first I tried to pick up after her, but soon I found it too frustrating: I was constantly tidying, then having all my work destroyed within minutes. (These pictures show what R did to a tidy house within about 15 minutes of waking up.)

So now I don't bother picking up until she goes to bed; I just step around the clutter and piles as I go about my day. It looks bad, which makes me a little sad, but since the alternative is constantly losing my temper, it's the best solution. It's times like these I am grateful for B's slobbiness, because he really doesn't care what the house looks like and never comments on its messiness in any way whatsoever. (Husbands who do nag their wives about an untidy house when a toddler lives there really deserve what they get.)

Having a Life That Looks Like a Catalog

I read the blog Rockstar Diaries. I'm not a huge fan, but I enjoy it for the pretty pictures. However, from a more analytic perspective it's a very interesting site because it consistently portrays a particular aesthetic, heavily influenced by women's magazines, advertisements and an overall sentimentality.

I was curious about who reads it, so I looked this up on Alexa (because it's free; obviously it's not really the best source of information and not what I would use if my interest went beyond idle curiosity). Seems to be mostly young, educated women, who tend not to have children. This isn't surprising to me, because what Rockstar Diaries shows is a fantasy of a specialized kind, like the domestic equivalent of a romance novel.

I was thinking about this in particular when I saw her latest post, of the happy, perfect family just at sunset having fun in a lovely location, because sometimes B and I look like that too. We went out to dinner with R a few nights ago. We were all dressed well, me in high heels, makeup and a cute dress that coordinated with everyone's outfit. R was well behaved and greatly enjoyed her food in a polite and socially appropriate manner, while B and I animatedly conversed about various intellectual topics. After dinner, just as the sun was setting, we took R's hands and danced together on the lawn in front of the restaurant's patio as we laughed and laughed, the charming colonial architecture evident in the background (we were at Chijmes).

It looked like something out of a catalog, and while I don't know what the other people there actually thought, possibly they would have had a similar reaction to the typical one for Rockstar Diaries. I do know that at times people do have that reaction. One of our friends (while visiting us for a week) told us that we had a seemingly perfect relationship and family, that we seemed to truly like each other, and that he hoped to have the same someday.

Hahahahaha. Of course, B and I do truly like each other (most of the time...). But real life isn't like a catalog at all. R cries and has tantrums, my hair inevitably looks awful because I can't style it, B usually looks like a hobo... and those things aren't really the difference that's important.

The big difference is in the emotions supposedly portrayed by idyllic family photos showing mutual love and enjoyment and carefree happiness. Often B and I can't stand each other: some weeks we quarrel constantly about anything and everything. I start fantasizing about my new single life and make lists of everything that he does wrong and ways he's disappointed me; he tells me that I'm impossible to get along with or please, and locks himself in his study for hours to avoid having to interact with me. And R, darling and cute as she is, drives both of us crazy with her energy and neediness and naughtiness, until we start bickering over who gets to escape to the coffeehouse. (R is too small to talk, but I know that sometimes she feels the same way about both of us: fed up with our rules, our ineptitude, and general slowness/boringness. She's bitten both of us, after all.)

It's not that the idyllic family photos or memories are a lie: B and I really did dance with R on the sunset-lit lawn. But to focus just on that gives a completely false impression of how human relationships work. They are messy, and painful, and boring, and complicated. Whenever there is great intimacy, there is also the ability to cause great pain: and humans being what they are, great pain is thus pretty much a given.

I think that's why mostly young non-mothers like the Rockstar Diaries. People with more life experience know the truth: that even happy marriages are full of days (or weeks, or months) of mutual dislike; that often parents and children hate each other (though those feelings are rarely anything but transient); that the sand in the vacation photo got all over you and made you itch; that the babies screamed all night because they weren't at home in their accustomed cribs.

I don't get jealous of others very often (to be quite honest, because I am too snobby), but when I do, I want to remember that things are never as they seem. Everyone is full of misery and angst and suffering, at least some of the time, because life is like that.

Hanging Out with the Trophy Wives

I recently went out to dinner with a bunch of women from one of the playgroups I participate in. The playgroup itself is really great for R. She gets to socialize with toddlers of the same age, develop her social skills and problem solving abilities (what to do when both of you want the same toy? how do you conduct yourself in the face of another's aggression? etc.), and generally has a wonderful time (she is pretty extroverted and social: I don't know where she got that from!).

I have a somewhat harder time. Everyone else has at least one 'helper' (this is the euphemism for maids among Westerners here), so they don't do any cleaning/cooking/other house chores. They vary a lot in terms of their involvement with parenting (some do pretty much everything, like typical parents in the US; some have the maids do much of the daily work instead, to the point that they aren't sure how to parent their children well if she's not there). They all have a lot of disposable income: so they live in enormous, lavish apartments (private elevators, thousands of square feet), buy their children pretty much every toy ever, especially of the overpriced, organic variety (like $70 for a toy push broom), and many wear beautiful clothes and are exquisitely groomed (this also varies quite a bit, since after all they do all have small children).

All this is fine of course, even if it's not my style. But it makes for dull conversation because we don't necessarily have a lot in common.

Some popular topics:
--40 minutes on the 'servant problem' (how their maids are inadequate).
--30 minutes on taking small children on vacations to lavish beach resorts (think Phuket or Bali). No one is interested in going to the places I want to visit, because they don't have private villas and butler service there.
--20 minutes on whether to take your maid on vacation (or back to the US when visiting): pros and cons.

They are mostly quite nice, and of course there are many other topics I can discuss with them (parenting issues, preschool options,etc.). It's just sometimes I feel like I've fallen into a episode of Real Housewives.

Friday Update: Travel and Making My Child Look Cute

Tomorrow we'll be on Tioman Island, a tropical island with lovely beaches off the coast of Malaysia. Whee! 

We're only there two nights because B has to go to work (boring!), but I am really looking forward to the break from the daily routine, especially given my mood lately. I am planning a trip to Penang next month as well, then in May my parents visit, and in June we are visiting the US again. Hopefully all this traveling will pep me up a little.

B thinks that I need to set goals for myself, so that I feel like I am making progress (unfortunately, mothering is basically a dead-end job and does not really give me a sense of accomplishment. Anything little R succeeds at becomes her triumph: I am just the roadie.). Neither of us wants me to start working yet (B made a face of horror at the idea: it is very nice for him to have me at home!), so I am going to try to recommit to exercising regularly (this has been pretty much a fail) and learning Mandarin again. I'll see how it goes.

In other news, thinking about how people favor the attractive in every imaginable way, I went shopping today and bought little R a whole bunch of cute new clothes. Even though she is only 13 months old, I have already noticed people are nicer to her if she's dressed in a darling little outfit. Sad but I can't fight biology; instead, I will just have to try stacking the deck in her favor. (She does look really cute in the clothes though.)

Boredom with Housewifery

Off on her journey

I mentioned before that I was feeling restless and dissatisfied lately. While planning some future trips helped, basically this serves as a distraction and doesn't address the real problem, which has to do with little R.

The problem isn't little R herself. She is so much fun now: today I took her for a walk in the park and she roamed independently for about 40 minutes, walking and climbing on her own power the whole time. She's just starting to talk, saying "likalikalik" for "I like this" and "Na Na Na!" for "no". She sleeps well and eats excellently; she's working on using a cup and spoon (very excited for this; once she can do it, meals will really be a breeze).

It's so much easier to care for her now, even with tantrums, mobility and the discovery of naughtiness (as in, now she is capable of deliberately disobeying/breaking rules). This is actually the problem. When she was a small infant, she really needed my constant attention (after all, she ate every two hours! that alone was a full-time job). Now she doesn't: she will play by herself for hours on end, busily rearranging her books, toys and various household objects. And living in an apartment and with only one child, I just do not have enough household chores to fill up more than a couple hours.

Climbing over a tree branch

This leaves me with a lot of spare time, in a sense. I can't do anything requiring sustained attention, because little R still needs to be frequently watched and checked on (a silence of more than five minutes often means she is doing something forbidden), and because she still frequently requires attention (hugs, diaper changes, comforting, etc.: I would say at least every ten minutes she likes to check on me), even if it's not a constant thing. I also am bound to the house for 14 or 15 hours of the day, when she's sleeping, even though I have free time then. Unfortunately I don't feel that she's ready for preschool yet: she still needs the security of my presence, and the calm predictability of staying at home.

But sitting around watching little R do her developmentally appropriate tasks is just not enough mental stimulation (especially all day long; if it was just a few hours, as it is for working parents, I think I would feel differently). I need something else to do. What, I am not sure.

It needs to be something home-based, productive, and non-screen-oriented. Reading doesn't work very well because of the sustained attention problem. Too bad I don't know how to sew: I could take up clothes-making like a old-time housewife (this used to consume most of the female population's working hours).

So far I have dealt with this problem by keeping busy: we do at least one activity every day involving leaving the house. But it's only a stopgap solution. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do.

Mothers' Night Out

I just got back from "Mothers' Night Out", which involved too many margaritas and yummy (if inauthentic) Mexican food. Now I feel rather tipsy: it's hard to keep up with all those Brits and Australians, who are so fond of drinking (Americans are total lightweights in comparison, I suppose it's our Puritan ancestry).

I worried about little R while I was gone, but she was just fine and slept the whole time. I am glad I have a baby who is a good sleeper: thanks Dr. Weissbluth!; she would have freaked out if she'd awoken and found me missing. Of  course B was at home the whole time, but while little R loves him with all her heart, he just is not as good when it comes to giving her comfort and security. For better or worse, I am still little R's living security blanket.

It's always great to talk to other mothers with small babies/toddlers, because it makes you realize how similar mothers' experiences are. Everyone is going through the same thing, and facing the same issues (of work vs. home responsibilities, changing relationships, guilt and family problems). I find it very soothing and validating.

B tries his best, but he just doesn't have the same experiences as me, and probably never will, so in a sense he is never going to get what it means to be a mother. I'm not sure if this is specific to him and our situation (me as a housewife, him working full time), or if it's just part of different parental roles (other women's experience suggests to me it might just be innate, but I am not sure). In any case, the vast majority of the "heavy lifting" of parenting is done by me, so it's nice to talk to other women who really get it.

But I'm glad to be home, reunited with my little R (B and I snuck in to admire her sleeping peacefully when I got home) and my darling B. He may not fully understand mothering, but he understands me in general. I always feel  a great sense of calm on being reunited with him, as if I am at last with someone who sees me fully and with whom I feel truly comfortable being myself.

Daily Schedule: Little R at 12 months

This post at Life Is Good reminds me I haven't done one of these in a while (the others were at 4 months and 8 months, so it's time!). We've definitely got a routine down now, and every day follows the same general outline. I actually find this consistency hard to deal with sometimes, because while little R likes it, I get bored and long for adventure (or at least change; I very much enjoy change just for its own sake).

8:25 Little R announces she is ready to get up, so I get out of bed and go in to see her. The time varies somewhat, between 7:00 (very very rare) and 9:30, but is usually between 8 and 8:30. She is delighted to see me as always, and stands up in her crib so that I can pick her up more easily. Often she wakes up earlier, but plays quietly in her crib for a while (30 minutes or even longer sometimes). This took some training but was totally worth it because I hate getting up in the morning.

8:25-8:45 I nurse little R. Then she plays for 5-10 minutes before squatting and having her first poop of the day. Generally this is very obvious and clockwork-like in its regularity. After that, I change her out of pyjamas and dirty diaper into her first outfit of the day.

9:00 Wake up B. He hates the morning and is always very groggy. Usually he tells me to come back in 10 or 30 minutes, but today he has work commitments and must arise.

9:00-9:45 B has coffee and gets ready for work. I read or look at the Internet while keeping an eye on little R as she plays by herself. I rearrange her toys every evening so there's always something new to check out. She also has a good time reading her books.

9:45 B leaves for work. I make breakfast for little R.

10-10:30 We have breakfast together. Today it was bread and mayonnaise with coffee for me, and brie, honey bread, and two sea plums (or marian plums) from Thailand for little R. She loves fruit.

10:30-11 I clean little R off and change her clothes and diaper. I don't bother with bibs; it's easier just to change the whole outfit. I read her a couple books and then we play together.

11 Little R is tired. Time for a nap! I check her diaper (it's ok), nurse her and put her in her crib.

11-12:30 Little R sleeps. I do chores: tidying, bill paying, emailing various people, packing the diaper bag. Then I putter on the internet.

12:35 Little R wakes up. She usually sleeps for 1.5 hours, so this is typical. I quickly get her ready and we are off to catch a taxi.

12:45 In the taxi on the way to Chinese class. It's a new mall nearby (like everything else in Singapore). We don't have a car, and don't live near a subway station, so taxis are the way we get around. Luckily they are fairly inexpensive.

1:00 We arrive at R's school. Class has the following schedule: half-hour free play, then singing and dancing, art project, free play in the larger playground area, snack time, singing and dancing, rest time, bubbles and good bye song. It is Mandarin immersion so everything is in Mandarin. Most of the other babies are Singaporean.

2:30 Class is over. Little R and I take a taxi home.

3-3:30 At home. B is back also, so we all have lunch together. Little R eats baked beans, apples, ciabatta, rice with pork and eggs, and a BBQ pork bun. The beans are her favorite today. B and I have rice with pork and eggs, and ciabatta (I went to the only good bakery in Singapore yesterday, so we are enjoying good bread very much). B and I have an interesting conversation about his students and Singapore; little R is busy eating so she just listens quietly.

3:30 Little R is tired. Time for nap #2! Diaper change, nurse, and into the crib.

3:30-5 Little R sleeps. I arrange some scheduling stuff and do dishes and laundry. Then I take a break. B does some work stuff.

5:10 Little R wakes up. She is so excited to be back in  the world again! Yay! I put her down on the floor and she runs out to see what trouble she can get into. She has another poop (this is usual for her).

5:30 Little R and I go off to the nearest mall to do some grocery shopping. She is very good, but gets bored towards the end. Shopping is not one of her favorite activities. B is at home working.

6:50 Little R and I are home. I put the groceries away and B makes dinner. Tonight it was hamburgers with lettuce and tomato on french bread. I am tired so I leave little R with him while I lurk in the other room. She loves "helping" in the kitchen.

7:10 We have dinner (hamburgers are easy to make! Usually it takes B about an hour to make dinner.) Little R eats hamburger, bread, and tomato with great gusto. She especially likes gnawing on the crusts of bread covered in meat juice. She throws the lettuce on the floor (she still hasn't developed a taste for it; maybe she doesn't have enough teeth yet?). B asks little R if her food is good and she says, "Good." We laugh because it sounds like she is really responding (I think it's still just mimicking).

7:25 I accidentally tip little R's food tray onto the ground and she cries because her food has suddenly disappeared. Very funny.

7:35 Dinner is over. B takes little R off for her bath. I rest.

7:55 Little R reappears at my side, clean and in her pyjamas. She enjoys tracking me down in the house, and always is very pleased with herself when she accomplishes this.

8:00 I put little R in bed after a final nursing. B goes off to play his computer game.

8:15 Little R is in her room, B is in his. I take advantage of the situation to blog.

After that, I will go to the gym, clean the house, and relax. Often B works more; sometimes we watch movies/TV shows together. We also usually chat for at least 30 minutes, just to check in. He goes to the gym now, if he hasn't already. We are in bed theoretically by 12; in reality, it's usually 1 (or even later, if I am naughty). Little R occasionally wakes up at some point between 8 and 1 (a couple times a week?); other than that, she sleeps through the night now.

Why I Want to Stay at Home with My Child

I posted a little while ago on daycare. Rereading these posts (which are largely pro-daycare), it might seem strange that I myself do not send little R to daycare, nor does she have a in-home caregiver (something that would be very easy and affordable here). Instead, I do virtually all of her care myself. Why?

There are a number of advantages to my decision, some of which have nothing to do with parenting (for example, I am able to be a more helpful wife because I am not working). But from a parenting perspective:

1. Little R can set her own schedule. If she attended a daycare, she would have to comply with their schedule (napping at the specified times, for instance). At home, the rhythm of the day can largely revolve around her. Even the best daycare cannot provide this, as there are more people to consider. While children are adaptable, this flexibility means on the whole little R is more comfortable and her physical needs are more fully met.

2. Sickness is more easily accommodated. For a working mother, a child's sickness is at best a serious annoyance, and at worst a crisis. This adds stress to an already-stressful situation; it also means that borderline-sick children are often going to be forced out of their preferred situation (resting at home with Mom or Dad). In other words, children's feelings must be ignored, even when they are vulnerable (relating to point #1). A little ignoring can be beneficial; however, this could easily tip over into undesirable territory.

3. I have complete control over what child-raising practices and emotional climate little R experiences. How people treat children varies wildly, and yet these differences are hard to quantify, even though they are so important. (Even scientists are stuck with descriptions like "detached" or "responsive".)

Little R, like all babies, is exquisitely sensitive to my moods and attitude towards her; yet what they are is something very very difficult to identify or even explain (especially because so much of my reaction to her is colored by subconscious motives). A seemingly friendly and competent childcare worker might actually be mean and abusive (not even in a physical way, but more subtly).

Even more insidiously, while they might be kind, their values might be very different from my own; and because children learn through example and experience, little R would absorb these values. This is a bigger problem in Singapore (where for example obedience is the highest virtue in children, something I strongly disagree with), as it's a different culture; but I imagine it might be a problem anywhere (especially as most childcare workers are significantly poorer and less educated than the parents they work for).

4. It is less stressful for little R. Being separated from one's parent as a small child causes a huge amount of stress (and this does not seem to change even if the child is used to separations, like with daycare). Some stress is inevitable, but too much means a child may be psychologically and physically harmed (probably why sensitive children (=those who deal less well with stress) tend to do badly in daycare). Most children find ways to cope successfully; but the fact remains that they are having to cope.

By being with me, little R is spared stress, and I think is a happier baby as a result. When we were in California for a month, after the first week (=time for adjustment) I frequently left her alone with my parents. They adore her, and she loves them (even crying sometimes when they left), and seemed to enjoy herself greatly; but it was also stressful for her, and she would wake up frequently at night calling for me (I think to assure herself that I was still there), something she rarely does under normal circumstances. Even though she was happy and social, I could tell that she was coping (well) with increased strain. The amount of strain did not change, even as she got increasingly used to my parents; this is because the strain was in the separation.

So for these reasons, I feel that it's important for me to be at home with little R (at least in her infancy; older children have completely different needs). Does this mean that I think everyone should make the same decision? No. But for me, and I believe for little R, right now this is what's best.

Each Child Is Different: More on Daycare

I've been researching the effects of non-maternal child care on children, to find out that for the AVERAGE child, the type of child care does not matter (so long as it's high quality: obviously, warehousing children in front of Jerry Springer for hours a day is always bad).

However, this doesn't mean that for one particular child all solutions are equal. In fact, for many children, one solution will be much better than another. There are two separate issues to consider.

First, because daycare is an option, how beneficial it is depends on the available alternatives. In fact, for children from families without many emotional, intellectual or monetary resources, daycare is tremendously beneficial: they are exposed to a far wider variety of experiences and intellectual stimulation than they would be at home. In addition, the staff at a high-quality center may be far more skilled at childcare (in terms of knowledge of child development, emotional responsiveness, and patience) than these parents. For these reasons, programs like Head Start significantly help disadvantaged children, because they provide them with non-maternal care. Here's one paper on the subject.

Daycare being not just a good option, but a better option, is not a fact limited only to the very poorest parents, with the least resources. For example, there is a lot of research on the extremely negative effects of maternal depression on children. If staying at home means a depressed mother (or working out of the home means a happier mother), then daycare would also be a far superior option. In addition, living in poverty has very negative effects on children, even when controlling for other factors (like other characteristics of the parents). If attending daycare means the child would not have to experience poverty, then daycare would again be the best choice.

The other issue is one of individual differences. Daycare is intrinsically stimulating (all that exposure to other children, strange adults, and different routines). Some children will love this (especially extroverted, adaptable types); for other children, however, this stimulation will be very stressful. It seems that boys are more sensitive to stress; also, children with "difficult" personalities (in other words, children who have a hard time adapting to change, are more emotionally reactive/sensitive, and who have less self control) are more likely to be negatively affected by daycare. Here's one paper on the topic. In other words, a cheerful, easy going girl baby/toddler will probably thrive in daycare; a sensitive, moody boy may have a very hard time.

There is reason to believe that these differences are largely genetic (in other words, just part of the child's inborn personality). In fact, there is evidence that genes determine how children react to having bad parents (original paper here). Some children would probably thrive even in a really bad daycare (or at home with a bad parent); others need just the right environment to flourish.

Perhaps in the future, genetic testing will have advanced to the point that parents will be able to make decisions about childcare based partly on their child's unique genetic susceptibility. For right now, though, it's important for parents to holistically consider what skills/weaknesses they have (as in, great skill in dealing with toddlers OR the tendency to get depressed when not working), and also what skills/weaknesses their children have.

There really is no one-size-fits-all solution, and anyone who proposes one is not only wrong, but positively harmful.

Previous posts on this topic here and here.

Go to Work or Stay at Home: It Doesn't Matter

So should mothers work or stay at home? In a way, there is no good scientific answer to this question, because there is no way to do a controlled study (this would require forcing women randomly to stay at home or work, and obviously will not happen in a free society; maybe an opportunity for North Korea to do some good in the world?). Leaving this issue aside, however...

The real answer seems to be two-fold:
1. In general, the type of childcare (so long as it's fairly high quality) doesn't matter. Children thrive equally well with constant maternal attention, 50+ hours in daycare, or something in between.

2. BUT: it depends very much on the particular child, parent and situation. Some children will be better off in daycare; others will be significantly harmed.

I was surprised by the results of point #1. You would think that with all the hullabaloo about working mothers and the importance of maternal care and warehousing children, that there would be a significant difference between children of working mothers and SAHMs. A lot of research has been done on this topic over the last 20+ years, and the scientists doing it are in general highly motivated to find dramatic results one way or the other (since that's what makes research well-publicized and them successful), but everyone has come up empty.

Here's a link to a summary of the results from the most comprehensive study on the subject, which spanned 15 years and included over 1000 children. Results: There's basically no difference, and the (small) differences which exist are conflicting. (For example, attending a child care center slightly increases cognitive and language development, and also behavior problems.)

Even studies on the effects of staying at home for mothers are contradictory. For example, this study shows that SAHMs of small children are more depressed and less healthy than working mothers; this study shows the opposite.

What these results suggest to me is that parents should feel free to make whatever decision they like best. The whole "mommy wars" thing and angst about mothers not personally caring for their children is a waste of time.

However, there is still point #2. I will discuss this (contradictory) point in a separate post.

Should Mothers Work or Stay at Home?

One parenting topic that's sure to bring out the judgmental, wacky side of otherwise normal people is the issue of non-parental child care. As the debate is usually structured, should women quit their jobs (or otherwise completely rearrange their schedules/careers) to stay home with their (usually small) children, or not?

I have some problems with this debate. First of all, for the majority of women (either in the US or elsewhere), framing this question as a "choice" is silly. Women need to work for the money or the benefits, and thus can't afford to stay at home, regardless of their feelings; or they are forced to stay at home, for financial reasons (as in, they can't afford the cost of daycare on their salary), or cultural ones (as in, they live somewhere without daycare options or any social support which would make working possible). For probably 95% of the world there is no choice, one way or the other. Mothers have to make the best of whatever flawed system and options are available.

Secondly, this is almost always seen as a women's issue, even though every child also has a male parent. Men just do not deal with the issue of work vs. childcare for the most part (as reflected in the fact that the average man makes more after he has a child, not less). This is unjust and sexist.

We are asking the wrong question. The real question is, what is better for children and their mothers? Society ought to adjust around the answer, rather than the current situation in which the most vulnerable members of society (small children and their parents) are expected to adjust their needs for the convenience of others.

Answering this question, especially as it relates to young children, is incredibly important. Infancy and toddlerhood are a critical time for a human's development. In fact, all available research suggests that much (perhaps even most) of a child's future success in life, and their future psychological and physical health, is mostly determined during this period. Giving every child an optimal environment in which to grow and develop would likely eliminate a huge number of social and physical problems.

Unfortunately (and surprisingly, given its crucial importance), the answer to the question of the optimal childcare situation for children remains somewhat unclear. I have been doing a lot of research on the topic though (as I want to make the best decisions possible for little R), and will post what I've learned here.

Edit: Posts on whether staying at home or working is better here and here.

2011 in Review

2011 was a year full of huge changes for me. I had a baby, quit my job, and then adjusted to being a mother and housewife.

In July we moved to Singapore, a country and region of the world I had never been to before. We had to learn how to do everything in a foreign environment, find an apartment, and unpack all our stuff. Since then we have been adjusting to expat life, B's first professional job, and a new culture and climate.

We traveled a lot: B went to the East Coast and southern California for work, R and I went to Washington to visit family, we moved to Singapore, B went to Japan (for work), we all traveled back to the US (and B went to the East Coast again), B went to China (for work) we took family trips to Hong Kong, Malaysia and Indonesia, and then we flew again to the US (with a third trip to the East Coast for B).

We saw many interesting things--wild monkeys, temples, historical artifacts, museums, tropical beaches--and learned a lot. Sometimes it was very fun and sometimes it was horrible. It was always both interesting and stressful.

This year was full of intense emotions, both good and bad. The good moments included getting to know little R, watching B develop into a great father, and visiting Hong Kong and Langkawi. There were also a lot of really bad moments: stress-fueled fights, sleepless nights, horribly long plane flights, money issues...

I would like 2012 to be a nice calm year without any more dramatic changes. However, to be honest, this is most unlikely. So instead I hope it will be a year full of personal growth, in which I become a better person, take care of my husband and baby in a way that I can be proud of, and make time for travel, relaxation and my family. Fingers crossed and braced for the ride!

Daily Schedule: Little R at 8 Months

Since I did this the last time, little R has grown tremendously. She's now mobile, which is a big shift, but life is a lot easier now (especially the sleeping part). This day is typical when we don't have something special going on (travel, playgroup, visitors...).

Results:
Meals: 6 milk feeds, 3 solid meals
Sleep: 3 hours nap, 12 hours at night
Diapers: 7 changes, 2 poopy
Chores (cleaning and other): 3 hours
Exercise: 1 hour

8:00 am: I go in to see Little R and she’s already awake and standing up in her crib. She greets me with a delighted shriek and a smile.

8-8:25 am: I nurse little R and change her diaper.

8:25 am: Little R and I go in to wake up B; he tells us to come back in 10 minutes (Grace snooze alarm) so we go out to the kitchen and I make him coffee while Little R crawls around.

8:40 am: Wake up B again; while he gets up I get dressed and ready; Little R explores the bedroom and bathroom.

9:00 am: I am ready and B is awake; we all go to the living room where he sips his coffee and looks at the internet. I supervise and play with little R as she explores the apartment and gets into everything. Sometimes I can read or surf the net too, but today she doesn’t feel like playing quietly by herself.

9:30 am: B leaves while I make breakfast for little R and me. Today it’s scrambled eggs and Cheerios. We sit at the table together to eat.

9:50 am: Little R is done eating. I wipe her off (not too messy today) and then call my parents on Skype.

10:15 am: We had a nice chat and they got to see little R and hear about her latest baby things. Now little R is tired and ready for her nap.

10:15-10:30 am: I change her diaper, nurse her and put her down to sleep with her lovey (an elephant blanket).

10:30-11:20 am: I have free time so I look at the internet.

11:20 am: B comes back and we chat.

11:45 am: I do some house chores: dishes, fold laundry, put in a new load; B works on the computer.

12:00 pm: Little R wakes up. I nurse her and change her diaper (poopy). Then we read a story together until she gets bored.

12:30 pm: I pack little R’s bag. She plays (with her toys for a change) while B finishes up some emails. I help him with some logistical stuff (including buying our tickets to the US for Christmas). Also I change Little R’s diaper again.

1:10 pm: We all go out for lunch to the local hawker centre. Little R eats some sweet and sour fish, cooked spinach, and rice.

2:00 pm: B and I go to the five and dime to get some wall hooks and other stuff. Then R and I drop him off at a coffeehouse to work, while we head home for R’s nap.

2:30 pm: Little R and I arrive home. She is tired and fussing, so I change her clothes and diaper, nurse her, and put her into bed.

2:45 pm: Little R’s second nap. I do various chores now (hanging up things, emails, another load of laundry, more childproofing, scheduling air conditioner appt, plane reservation stuff, correspondence with book vendors for B’s research etc.).

4:15 pm: Little R wakes up. I go fetch her and she is delighted to see me as always. I nurse her and change her diaper (poopy) as she attempts to roll off the changing table. Sitting still for diaper changes is not in her scheme of life: I hate having to pin down a wriggling baby covered in poop though (my least favorite part of the day).

4:40 pm: Little R investigates things while I get ready to go for a little walk.

4:45 pm: We’re off for a stroll.

5:20 pm: After dropping off the dry cleaning and seeing the outside world, we’re back home.

5:20-6:00 pm: More chores: laundry, phone calls, tidying, etc. As I go from room to room, little R follows me “helping” with everything. I sing and talk to her to keep her amused.

6:00-6:20 pm: I am very tired and rest on the couch while little R plays with her toys nearby: she’s not a bit tired!

6:20 pm: I start dinner: chicken and ham noodle soup. Little R plays with the pots and pans while I cook.

6:45 pm: B comes home and plays with little R while I finish cooking.

7:00 pm: We eat dinner together. Little R likes noodles pretty well.

7:30 pm: Dinner’s finished and it’s time for little R’s bath. B gives it to her while I read the NY Times.

7:45 pm: Little R is clean and changed. It’s time for bed so once B gives her to me, I nurse her and put her down for the night.

8:00 pm: Little R is in bed. I get changed into my gym clothes.

8:15 pm: Off to the gym; I work out for an hour.

9:20 pm: Back home, I take a shower. B goes off to work some more.

9:30-10:00 pm: Final house chores: cleaning up after dinner, dishes, final load of laundry, final tidy (so house looks nice in the morning before little R messes it up), ironing.

10:00 pm: All done for the day, I pour myself some cranberry juice and vodka and relax: blogging, internet surfing and a little reading.

12:00 am: B is home, we chat and get ready for bed. We are in bed and asleep by 1 am.

Little R sometimes sleeps through the night, but more often wakes up once (usually) or twice (rarely), generally after 3 am. She always eats and goes right back to sleep.

Oh, almost forgot this:
Weight Loss Progress:
--Exercise: One hour at gym; walked over 30 min.
--Diet: Breakfast: eggs and Cheerios; Lunch: sweet and sour fish, spinach and rice; Dinner: chicken noodle soup; Drinks: bubble tea, a frappucino, half a bottle of Coke, a cocktail.
--Other: Still didn't drink enough water; had a frappucino.