Of course, some situations do require drastic action (for instance, untreated mental illness, addiction or unceasing violent conflict, whether verbal or physical). But I doubt this is the case for Bialik, since she is asking for joint custody (meaning she considers her husband reliable enough to be solely responsible for their small children). Plus, in her book (written this year!) she goes on and on about how gentle, considerate, and responsible her husband is (of course, it could be all lies but let's assume not). Whatever is wrong, it's not due to serious character defects of the type that merit divorce.
Marriage is about a lot of things: love, companionship, finances, an efficient division of labor...But one of its main purposes is to provide a stable environment for children. Children in other societies thrive without securely married parents, but that's because those societies are very different from our own (usually the children are embedded in a secure framework of extended family, where the role of parents in raising children is relatively much less important). In modern America, providing your children with the best environment and upbringing means providing them with married parents. (For example, virtually all students at top universities have married parents, even though half the population has divorced parents.)
In other words, being a good parent generally means staying married. The ability to create and maintain a happy intimate relationship is actually the most important parenting decision you will ever make. Bialik obviously cares deeply about being a good parent: but she is investing her efforts in the wrong areas (homeschooling, for instance), and as a result is having a massive parenting fail.
I totally agree that divorce is one of the worst things for children - You sure are gutsy to write it like that :)
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you, divorce under non critical circumstances is bad parenting. The truth is that children need to see their parents love each other. A child is the product of both parents, if a child believes that the parent's do not like one another it is likely that they will feel as if the parents do not like one half of themselves. Why would a parent do that to their child?
ReplyDeleteIf you cannot love your partner and feel unsure about whether you could be with them for the rest of your life...why have children with them? I have known so many women who feel like they need to marry and have kids, so they settle with someone they really don't care for. They have kids, they end up divorced and the children are stuck hearing their parents (sometimes even grandparents) how they are nothing like their father/mother. How mean is that?
Yeah, I don't get that philosophy. R is mostly a clone of her father (she doesn't even like chocolate much!! Is she really mine?) and while this pleases me because I like him, I can't imagine having to invest all this effort in someone who's a clone of someone I dislike or don't respect.
DeleteIt seems like it would just make you bitter.
I love these posts, because you write in a way that very few people do. So frank!
ReplyDeleteHow can we set our own children up so they do better at marriage? I feel like there must be something that Americans are doing "wrong" for the divorce rate to be this high.
That's a really good question and something I have thought about a lot (though don't have a perfect answer yet). Research suggests that having a good marriage yourself is the best way (children of married parents are pretty unlikely to divorce; if they are college educated I think the rate is under 10%).
DeleteI think I should write a post about it!
You have no idea what her situation is or why she is getting a divorce. I'm really sick of people judging other people when they have no idea what the circumstances are. Shame on you!
ReplyDeleteWell, it's true I have no actual idea (though more than for another stranger, since she wrote a autobiographical book all about her family life). I have mixed feelings about not judging others though. On one hand, yes it's important not to be overly judgmental/critical (something I don't really do well); on the other hand, some judgment is necessary (because how else would you evaluate anything? Relativism is ultimately a barren and useless philosophy.)
DeleteI'm really sorry to read this post and the comments. Why do you assume the divorce is solely her decision or "fault"?
ReplyDeleteI've read studies on divorce and the effect on children, and my understanding is that a happily divorced set of parents is MUCH better for the children than parents who stay married but don't love each other or are unsatisfied with their marriage, sure, it'd be great if all parents could stay married always, but that isn't always reality. Getting divorced automatically makes you a bad parent? That's a pretty ballsy statement to make.
I have friends whose parents divorced and it was bitter and angry, and yes that had a pretty negative effect on them. I also know others like my own parents who split up but remained civil and friendly always, and to this day they get along great and I can't remember them ever fighting. I think things have been so much better for all of us than if they'd stayed married. Just because you part from someone doesn't mean you hate them or have to speak badly of them, etc.
My husband and I have been together for almost 9years now. I feel almost certain that we will stay married always, we have gone through enough to know we can work through almost anything together. I also know enough to know that it is naive to assume that it's so easy as "just stay married." Life, love, relationships, and family are so much more complicated than that. I'm not sure why I'm leaving a comment, really, as I'm sure it won't change your mind. It does sadden me to know you are so judgmental of divorced parents.
Most divorces are initiated by women, and in Bialik's case in particular she was obviously the dominant partner in the relationship (since he was the one to convert to her religion and give up his career and educational aspirations in favor of furthering hers). That's why I assumed it was her decision (though not only her fault, as everything in marriage is mutual).
DeleteIf you remember what studies you read, please share! because I love that sort of thing. My impression is that children are much better off with married parents, even if the parents are unhappy, as long as they have a "low conflict" marriage (meaning no violent/dramatic fights in front of the children). Children don't really care if their parents feel unsatisfied.
There's a book by Elizabeth Marquardt (Between Two Worlds) about the emotional effects of divorce on children, into their adulthood (conclusion: really bad) which you might find interesting? If you do read it, I would love to know what you think (since my parents aren't divorced, it's hard for me to evaluate it fully; B's parents are divorced, which was really bad for him, but other circumstances complicated things).
As far as marriage goes, sometimes divorce will happen (and who knows, perhaps to me and B? since life is unpredictable). But if you do make that decision, parents need to be honest with themselves about what that means for their children. What bothers me most is that so few divorced/divorcing parents ARE honest, instead pretending that the effects will be small/unimportant (or even solely positive).
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!